Just a week ago, last Weds, i had my first dilation and curettage done..but it's the second miscarriage in nine months. Except that this time, i know it's a boy. This week, Matthew would have been 10 weeks old. Thank God that i have a brilliant gynaecologist this time. He did a good job, so i didn't have much cramps except for the occasional bleeding. He told us baby has no heartbeat, he didn't say "you have a dead foetus inside you" unlike the previous gynaecologist.
The first time it happened last May, baby was about 6 weeks and my body aborted the pregnancy naturally. Jfk injured his shoulder and needed an operation in Mt Elizabeth, Samuel was running a viral fever and was hospitalised in East shore. I needed to go Thomson to see the gynaecologist. Rushing to 3 hospitals in a week left me with not much time to grieve. Everything happened in such a rushing manner i had no time to think about what was going on. I simply deal with it mechanically, in the most logical way that i can.
Life sometimes send us the unexpected and disrupts our daily routine. I realised that it's easy to say "be strong" and dish out all kinds of positive comments to "snap out of it" quickly...but time heals all wound and time is also needed to grieve and have a moment of silence.
Found this poem, so beautiful
An Angel Never Dies (Author unknown)
Don’t let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold It doesn't mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
As for now, i found a push factor to do something different. I want to go into counselling. First, i need a certificate in that sort of stuff. And so i visited a school of counselling yesterday afternoon and am now looking into all possibilities to help me help myself..
Someday, somewhere, somehow, something's gotta change.
Dear God, please guide me if you already know what i am seeking in the deepest recesses of my heart.
"seek ye first his kingdom, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
Humbly housecat-wannabe
