One can do a hundred right things and one single mistake is good enough to erase all the right things that one ever did. The is the harsh reality of life. A brilliant doctor can perform a thousand and one successful operations and all it takes is one single mistake to fall from grace. Of cos using the analogy of a doctor is quite far fetched because we are talking about life and death..afterall.
I am grateful for work, it gives me meaning in a small sort of way. It makes me feel useful to have a place to go to when i wake up in the morning and the best time of the day in the office. But is this work giving my life meaning?
I start clearing my work at 7.30am, working through lunch and then stayed back at work until 8pm in the evening, sometimes 9pm.. 10pm even. There were a few Saturdays and Sundays that i went back to work as well. Because i am still using a desktop! No one knew. I work silently, just to stay on top of work. Things got worst from February until now. I am a fast worker and i believe i am efficient and effective. But since ADI de-franchised the other global disty, and Altera de-franchised the other global disty in Europe, my workload seemed to have increased three times. It is not difficult work but "bulky".
Edwin seemed to think i am not working strategically. "It's not about the number of hours you put in. You need to work strategically." I was speechless when i heard that. It is a vicious cycle indeed. If i don't put in extra hours to plough through this increased in workload, there will be escalations like such as "why is the mso so slow.\" etc etc. I put in the extra hours and got greeted with "if you want to take it all upon yourself, then suck it up and don't complain." I wasn't even complaining. He once said Sarah is overloaded, Heidi does not have it easy etc etc, it seems.. everyone is having a hard time at work but me. I have a "good and easy life". It is tiring to be strong and taken for granted.
Weary. Grateful still. But weary. I am looking for a way out. If i am not happy anymore, i should get out of my comfort zone. Go out there and dabble in something else. At least he was right about one thing. If people kept complaining about the company and yet still chose to stay, it can only mean it is not the worst. The worst is yet to be haha
Monday, June 5, 2017
Sunday, January 15, 2017
15 Jan 2016 - Think like a lawyer
I am watching a Hong Kong drama about lawyers. This is an interesting serial. The characters argue the cases from all angles. Words are very important indeed. An open mind and the ability to see a problem from all angles is necessary.
Alex Fung is a good actor, and a very charismatic one. It got me thinking about how the mind of a lawyer works.
I do not know why the friendship between Edwin and me seems distant recently. I respect the fact that he is now my boss and i know there are certain boundaries that i must not cross. I will not make use of this friendship to get special treatments or gather extra information. In fact, i made a decision when he was assigned to lead this team, to help him settle in as quickly as possible with the team and help him gain their trust. Because i truly have trust and faith in this person.
Dec, 2015. I took leave in the last week of Dec and first three days of Jan 2016. That was when Samuel transit into primary school. I remember we had a conflict and we were not really talking. Siyun noticed that i was avoiding him and asked me why. I didn't tell her anything because i know by now that she will make use of conflicts to her advantage. I hold on to the belief that she didn't mean it. Because i truly believe in the good of human beings. But she persisted to tell me "i feel you do not have to listen or help Edwin, he is so harsh on you because he knows you won't desert him. He is smart but "i forgot the word" so he will always give chances to even people like Jenny Goh". And most recently, she told me deliberately, "wah, look at the way you colour, how can you be a mother" the moment Edwin is in the meeting room. I was angry. Angry because she has no right to question me being a mother. And angry because she actually said that to show she is on the same wavelength as Edwin. She has heard Edwin asked how can a person like Serene be a mother. To make use of a friend to gain favour from your boss is despicable. And then, she told others that it's easy to fish information from me. Which is ridiculous. I have seen and heard from herself how she manipulate Serene with Heng Chuan. I'm shocked but.. i like her when she is normal. There were so many other incidents, based on my observations. But this time, I am angry. I felt hurt too but i still believe God is in control. So, I'd like to think Siyun do treat me as a friend..when she is not trying to impress anyone.
Anyway, back to thinking like a lawyer. I am a scatterbrain on road directions, clumsy.. but my intuitions and logic are almost always accurate. Plus, i have slight OCD behaviour, my memory is not that bad. I might not remember where i put my things sometimes BUT remember what people said. I value truth, loyalty, and sincerity.
I wish i knew more about the career of a lawyer in my teens. So that i would have bloody study harder and got into a damn Junior college. I gave up the chance to do A'levels and went to a polytechnic to get an Engineering diploma instead. Because i needed to earn my keeps and also because my O'levels results suck. All i know then, was to quickly earn my keeps so that my parents won't have to support me anymore.
So sometimes when i argue in my head and i say it aloud to Edwin, i was really trying to see from the other person's point of view and understand the whole picture so that we can solve the problem in a most logical way. I am not trying to find excuses for the person. But he always cut me off by raising his voice and providing a far-fetched analogy. This is when i do not see the need to continue sharing my opinion. Because it would be fruitless and I do not want to waste time arguing.
Seriously.. i would be a good lawyer.
***************************************************
Thinking like a lawyer also means that you can make arguments on any side of any question. Many of you resist that teaching, thinking that we are stripping you of your personal principles and convictions, transforming you into a hired gun. On the contrary, learning how to make arguments on different sides of a question is learning that there are arguments on both sides, and learning how to hear them. That is the core of the liberal value of tolerance, but also the precondition for order in a society that chooses to engage in conflict with words rather than guns. It is our best hope for rational deliberation, for solving problems together not based on eradicating conflict, but for channeling it productively and cooperating where possible.
Thinking like a lawyer means combining realism with idealism. It means believing in the possibility and the desirability of both order and justice, and in the capacity of the law to help us achieve them. But it also means knowing the full range of human conduct, and understanding that grand principles will remain paper principles unless they are implemented with an eye to human incentives. Nevertheless, in the end the idea of law, and the ideals that it stands for, is what lawyers represent. It is much harder to be an idealist when you have all the reasons to be a cynic.
Thinking like a lawyer is thinking like a human being, a human being who is tolerant, sophisticated, pragmatic, critical, and engaged. It means combining passion and principle, reason and judgment.
***************************************************
Alex Fung is a good actor, and a very charismatic one. It got me thinking about how the mind of a lawyer works.
I do not know why the friendship between Edwin and me seems distant recently. I respect the fact that he is now my boss and i know there are certain boundaries that i must not cross. I will not make use of this friendship to get special treatments or gather extra information. In fact, i made a decision when he was assigned to lead this team, to help him settle in as quickly as possible with the team and help him gain their trust. Because i truly have trust and faith in this person.
Dec, 2015. I took leave in the last week of Dec and first three days of Jan 2016. That was when Samuel transit into primary school. I remember we had a conflict and we were not really talking. Siyun noticed that i was avoiding him and asked me why. I didn't tell her anything because i know by now that she will make use of conflicts to her advantage. I hold on to the belief that she didn't mean it. Because i truly believe in the good of human beings. But she persisted to tell me "i feel you do not have to listen or help Edwin, he is so harsh on you because he knows you won't desert him. He is smart but "i forgot the word" so he will always give chances to even people like Jenny Goh". And most recently, she told me deliberately, "wah, look at the way you colour, how can you be a mother" the moment Edwin is in the meeting room. I was angry. Angry because she has no right to question me being a mother. And angry because she actually said that to show she is on the same wavelength as Edwin. She has heard Edwin asked how can a person like Serene be a mother. To make use of a friend to gain favour from your boss is despicable. And then, she told others that it's easy to fish information from me. Which is ridiculous. I have seen and heard from herself how she manipulate Serene with Heng Chuan. I'm shocked but.. i like her when she is normal. There were so many other incidents, based on my observations. But this time, I am angry. I felt hurt too but i still believe God is in control. So, I'd like to think Siyun do treat me as a friend..when she is not trying to impress anyone.
Anyway, back to thinking like a lawyer. I am a scatterbrain on road directions, clumsy.. but my intuitions and logic are almost always accurate. Plus, i have slight OCD behaviour, my memory is not that bad. I might not remember where i put my things sometimes BUT remember what people said. I value truth, loyalty, and sincerity.
I wish i knew more about the career of a lawyer in my teens. So that i would have bloody study harder and got into a damn Junior college. I gave up the chance to do A'levels and went to a polytechnic to get an Engineering diploma instead. Because i needed to earn my keeps and also because my O'levels results suck. All i know then, was to quickly earn my keeps so that my parents won't have to support me anymore.
So sometimes when i argue in my head and i say it aloud to Edwin, i was really trying to see from the other person's point of view and understand the whole picture so that we can solve the problem in a most logical way. I am not trying to find excuses for the person. But he always cut me off by raising his voice and providing a far-fetched analogy. This is when i do not see the need to continue sharing my opinion. Because it would be fruitless and I do not want to waste time arguing.
Seriously.. i would be a good lawyer.
***************************************************
Thinking like a lawyer also means that you can make arguments on any side of any question. Many of you resist that teaching, thinking that we are stripping you of your personal principles and convictions, transforming you into a hired gun. On the contrary, learning how to make arguments on different sides of a question is learning that there are arguments on both sides, and learning how to hear them. That is the core of the liberal value of tolerance, but also the precondition for order in a society that chooses to engage in conflict with words rather than guns. It is our best hope for rational deliberation, for solving problems together not based on eradicating conflict, but for channeling it productively and cooperating where possible.
Thinking like a lawyer means combining realism with idealism. It means believing in the possibility and the desirability of both order and justice, and in the capacity of the law to help us achieve them. But it also means knowing the full range of human conduct, and understanding that grand principles will remain paper principles unless they are implemented with an eye to human incentives. Nevertheless, in the end the idea of law, and the ideals that it stands for, is what lawyers represent. It is much harder to be an idealist when you have all the reasons to be a cynic.
Thinking like a lawyer is thinking like a human being, a human being who is tolerant, sophisticated, pragmatic, critical, and engaged. It means combining passion and principle, reason and judgment.
***************************************************
16 Jan 2016 - 关系
The Chinese are complex people. When you do business with them in China, it's all about relationship. "Guan Xi". I read an article today that says "in order to understand the Chinese, one can learn the game of Go" which is 围棋.
The western game of Chess is more straightforward. The object of Go is to place stones on the open board, balancing the need to expand with the need to build protected clusters. Chess is a hierarchical game where the object is to catch the king. Go players seeks to enclose more territory on the board than their opponent.
This sounds like China and Taiwan, China and Hong Kong. Strategic encirclement.. i think of this when i read about the rules of 围棋. Gain more market share, territories BUT don't burn the 关系. And I have been reading The art of war by Sun Tzu.
Office politics is about 关系 too. One stays vigilante on the surroundings, maintain a good关系with colleagues but be able to identify who are the potential enemies. 关系will help one to get information and "recruit" eyes to watch one's back when one's eyes are busy looking in front.
Sounds like a cunning fox. But i supposed, if 关系 is not used to harm others in anyway, but a means of protection, then it is still not against one's conscience. Networking is also necessary in all sorts of circumstances for no man is an island by himself.
The western game of Chess is more straightforward. The object of Go is to place stones on the open board, balancing the need to expand with the need to build protected clusters. Chess is a hierarchical game where the object is to catch the king. Go players seeks to enclose more territory on the board than their opponent.
This sounds like China and Taiwan, China and Hong Kong. Strategic encirclement.. i think of this when i read about the rules of 围棋. Gain more market share, territories BUT don't burn the 关系. And I have been reading The art of war by Sun Tzu.
Office politics is about 关系 too. One stays vigilante on the surroundings, maintain a good关系with colleagues but be able to identify who are the potential enemies. 关系will help one to get information and "recruit" eyes to watch one's back when one's eyes are busy looking in front.
Sounds like a cunning fox. But i supposed, if 关系 is not used to harm others in anyway, but a means of protection, then it is still not against one's conscience. Networking is also necessary in all sorts of circumstances for no man is an island by himself.
I wonder if the scholars in Singapore are trained to be as street-smart as they are academically. In China, it is all about survival. So people tend to be more conniving and selfish and i must say, very street-smart. But they are billions of people in China, it would be a sweeping comment to say everyone is selfish. I'm just saying survival instincts seem stronger in the Chinese people in China.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
10 Jan 2017 - Aggrieved and not
I missed my blog today, so.. here i go. Looking at screen of my MacBook Air :) It's really cool to use Apple products. I feel chic almost immediately hehe Even the mouse from Apple is slick.
Anyway, i felt aggrieved today. But i came up with a list of reasons why i shouldn't and now i don't. There was a quote request sent last friday evening, and everyone has to leave the office early that day because they were changing the carpets. And Nat was the one who shoo-ed me off with a stern look. He said "all of you must leave now because they have already started working on the carpets." This part is sensitive because the supplier void the previous quote as the contract manufacturer sold it to another end customer instead of the agreed end customer. It was a hoo-ha last year. And now, they are going to sell it directly to the end customer instead. Today, the sales informed us that if we don't ship the part today, there will be a line down tomorrow. But we do not have a valid quote..so i expedited for the quote approval while sales wrote to Nat to get his approval to allow shipment without a valid quote today. And Nat asked alot of questions like how come we didn't get the quote ready since we already know that the end customer will buy direct 2 weeks ago. He said marketing should be proactive since this is a special case. Ray and Ethan both admitted they forgot to inform me (only for my ears) But the way that Ray wrote to Nat..he make it sounded like "noted, i will inform the team to take note of this part and be more pro-active".. wayang. In the whole email chain, he suggested that sales did not send QLR hence we did not get a quote from the supplier. So Nat is probably going to think i am the one who is not pro-active. But to look at the big picture, Ethan didn't mean it..which means he is not a bad person and Ray..he answered Nat in the most politically correct way as he could... i think. If there are any consolations at all..these would be enough. Most of all, it's just work.
This reminded me of something that JFK told me recently. Sometimes, even if we are unhappy, there is no need to voice it out if it will sour relationships. I am beginning to understand this statement. But I must say that human beings tire me out. Sometimes i think if end time is coming, we deserve it. God should wipe out the human race. We are the scariest living things on Earth. We are destructive because global warming, animal extinction, war etc etc are all caused by us.
Everything becomes trivial when i see Samuel's face after another evening of OT. My precious child :)
Everything becomes trivial when i see Samuel's face after another evening of OT. My precious child :)
Sunday, June 12, 2016
12 June 2016 - Living a lie
Recently, our walk with the Boey family has gotten closer. All because i babysit Lucas in March for a day this year. We went for dinner and then a trip to Legoland was decided right there and then. And we met each other a few times in school every morning. And they invited us to their new place for a swim in May. We went to Johor for dinner after the swim and then a Bintan trip was decided. Right there. WOW
And secrets poured out. I can't believe what i am hearing..seriously. I hate lies. I know sometimes white lies are inevitable when we don't wish to hurt others. But living a lie is another thing altogether. I cannot be friends if our relationship is not build on honesty and trust. And so, i held a private debate and convinced myself, we are not friends yet. And because we are not friends, he does not need to tell us all about himself. There is no obligation to do so.
But i feel sad. That people could live like that. Life is too short and too precious to be so miserable. There are many people living in war zones, who just want to live a normal life. We are living a normal life that many people around the world are not able to. Yet, we got greedy. We harbour thoughts of feeling empty, feeling unloved etc etc. In short, it seems to me just plain greedy. Yes, we should all upgrade ourselves and strives to live a good life. But there is a thin line between being greedy and being ungrateful. I need to think about this statement. Because i could be wrong.
Anyway, i have been cooking these 2 days. We had dinner at home on a Saturday and Sunday night. It is cost effective to cook. And i feel a great sense of satisfaction. Cooked with love. :)
I gave my neighbour some soup and auntie taught me a trick to boil the peanuts separately before i add it into the rest of the soup. That way, the soup would be clear, instead of looking milky. Hehe And i have learnt to tell the butcher i want pork ribs with less blood, to cook soup for 3 persons. He chop up the pork ribs into nice small pieces, 9 pieces for $4.50. That is a steal! That is about 4 rounds of soup making hahaha
And in the wet market, i can buy 3 potatoes, 1 tomato and 1 onion. In the exact quantity that i need just as how i planned my meals. Unlike in NTUC, i need to buy a whole packet. By the time i cook again the following week, the potatoes have sprouts growing on them! And my onions almost became plants!
Ahhh the perils of a housewife. It is not easy for SAHMs. I salute them. I would much prefer to put on make up, dress up nicely and go to work. It would be extremely fantastic if we all have 28 days annual leaves for time to stone. :)
Annual leaves remind me of HC, an asshole at work. At first, it exasperates me to be at the receiving end of the stick of his sick humour. He pretends to use this "noncommittal, i am clueless, harmless, smiley face" to people to do things for him. But when he faces Heidi, who looks serious all the time and no-nonsense, he uses a business-like method to get her to do things. With Siyun, he uses the "sugar coated" method because he is unsure of her what she is really thinking about, if she will backstab him. And with Kwan, he has stereotyped him as beneath him. Because he has tested Kwan's tolerance by "suaning" him, one level higher each time. And Kwan has never flare up. I think he should, because HC is a coward. But then again HC will also backstab.. With Benedict, he is neutral because Benedict is harmless.
I reckon that the only way to deal with him is to confuse him as well. Blow hot and cold so he will never figure out what method to use when he talks to me. Put him at the altar and treat him like "a hero" and then the next day/time, look at him as if he is dirt. This is literally slapping him on the right side of his face and kissing the left side of his face. But shit, people like him tires me. I loathe him. He puts a value tag on everyone and he has no qualms about making use of others to attain his objective. Why is he my colleague? Damn, just why? I hate it when he asked "is it my problem?"
Anyway.. it is people like him that makes some other people look like angels.
And secrets poured out. I can't believe what i am hearing..seriously. I hate lies. I know sometimes white lies are inevitable when we don't wish to hurt others. But living a lie is another thing altogether. I cannot be friends if our relationship is not build on honesty and trust. And so, i held a private debate and convinced myself, we are not friends yet. And because we are not friends, he does not need to tell us all about himself. There is no obligation to do so.
But i feel sad. That people could live like that. Life is too short and too precious to be so miserable. There are many people living in war zones, who just want to live a normal life. We are living a normal life that many people around the world are not able to. Yet, we got greedy. We harbour thoughts of feeling empty, feeling unloved etc etc. In short, it seems to me just plain greedy. Yes, we should all upgrade ourselves and strives to live a good life. But there is a thin line between being greedy and being ungrateful. I need to think about this statement. Because i could be wrong.
Anyway, i have been cooking these 2 days. We had dinner at home on a Saturday and Sunday night. It is cost effective to cook. And i feel a great sense of satisfaction. Cooked with love. :)
I gave my neighbour some soup and auntie taught me a trick to boil the peanuts separately before i add it into the rest of the soup. That way, the soup would be clear, instead of looking milky. Hehe And i have learnt to tell the butcher i want pork ribs with less blood, to cook soup for 3 persons. He chop up the pork ribs into nice small pieces, 9 pieces for $4.50. That is a steal! That is about 4 rounds of soup making hahaha
And in the wet market, i can buy 3 potatoes, 1 tomato and 1 onion. In the exact quantity that i need just as how i planned my meals. Unlike in NTUC, i need to buy a whole packet. By the time i cook again the following week, the potatoes have sprouts growing on them! And my onions almost became plants!
Ahhh the perils of a housewife. It is not easy for SAHMs. I salute them. I would much prefer to put on make up, dress up nicely and go to work. It would be extremely fantastic if we all have 28 days annual leaves for time to stone. :)
Annual leaves remind me of HC, an asshole at work. At first, it exasperates me to be at the receiving end of the stick of his sick humour. He pretends to use this "noncommittal, i am clueless, harmless, smiley face" to people to do things for him. But when he faces Heidi, who looks serious all the time and no-nonsense, he uses a business-like method to get her to do things. With Siyun, he uses the "sugar coated" method because he is unsure of her what she is really thinking about, if she will backstab him. And with Kwan, he has stereotyped him as beneath him. Because he has tested Kwan's tolerance by "suaning" him, one level higher each time. And Kwan has never flare up. I think he should, because HC is a coward. But then again HC will also backstab.. With Benedict, he is neutral because Benedict is harmless.
I reckon that the only way to deal with him is to confuse him as well. Blow hot and cold so he will never figure out what method to use when he talks to me. Put him at the altar and treat him like "a hero" and then the next day/time, look at him as if he is dirt. This is literally slapping him on the right side of his face and kissing the left side of his face. But shit, people like him tires me. I loathe him. He puts a value tag on everyone and he has no qualms about making use of others to attain his objective. Why is he my colleague? Damn, just why? I hate it when he asked "is it my problem?"
Anyway.. it is people like him that makes some other people look like angels.
Portrait of an INTP - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving (Introverted Thinking with Extraverted Intuition)
As an INTP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.
INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge. They are the "absent-minded professors", who highly value intelligence and the ability to apply logic to theories to find solutions. They typically are so strongly driven to turn problems into logical explanations, that they live much of their lives within their own heads, and may not place as much importance or value on the external world. Their natural drive to turn theories into concrete understanding may turn into a feeling of personal responsibility to solve theoretical problems, and help society move towards a higher understanding.
INTPs value knowledge above all else. Their minds are constantly working to generate new theories, or to prove or disprove existing theories. They approach problems and theories with enthusiasm and skepticism, ignoring existing rules and opinions and defining their own approach to the resolution. They seek patterns and logical explanations for anything that interests them. They're usually extremely bright, and able to be objectively critical in their analysis. They love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. They love to discuss these concepts with others. They may seem "dreamy" and distant to others, because they spend a lot of time inside their minds musing over theories. They hate to work on routine things - they would much prefer to build complex theoretical solutions, and leave the implementation of the system to others. They are intensely interested in theory, and will put forth tremendous amounts of time and energy into finding a solution to a problem with has piqued their interest.
INTPs do not like to lead or control people. They're very tolerant and flexible in most situations, unless one of their firmly held beliefs has been violated or challenged, in which case they may take a very rigid stance. The INTP is likely to be very shy when it comes to meeting new people. On the other hand, the INTP is very self-confident and gregarious around people they know well, or when discussing theories which they fully understand.
The INTP has no understanding or value for decisions made on the basis of personal subjectivity or feelings. They strive constantly to achieve logical conclusions to problems, and don't understand the importance or relevance of applying subjective emotional considerations to decisions. For this reason, INTPs are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others.
The INTP may have a problem with self-aggrandizement and social rebellion, which will interfere with their creative potential. Since their Feeling side is their least developed trait, the INTP may have difficulty giving the warmth and support that is sometimes necessary in intimate relationships. If the INTP doesn't realize the value of attending to other people's feelings, he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If the INTP is not able to find a place for themself which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical. If the INTP has not developed their Sensing side sufficiently, they may become unaware of their environment, and exhibit weakness in performing maintenance-type tasks, such as bill-paying and dressing appropriately.
For the INTP, it is extremely important that ideas and facts are expressed correctly and succinctly. They are likely to express themselves in what they believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, their well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others, but the INTP is not naturally likely to tailor the truth so as to explain it in an understandable way to others. The INTP may be prone to abandoning a project once they have figured it out, moving on to the next thing. It's important that the INTP place importance on expressing their developed theories in understandable ways. In the end, an amazing discovery means nothing if you are the only person who understands it.
The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways. Consequently, a lot of scientific breakthroughs in the world have been made by the INTP.
The INTP is at his best when he can work on his theories independently. When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things. These are the pioneers of new thoughts in our society.
"INTPs are perhaps the most intellectually profound of all the types."
- Isabel Briggs Myers
"What is important is that the underlying structures of the universe be uncovered and articulated, and that whatever is stated about the universe be stated correctly, with coherence and without redundancy."
- David Keirsey
"INTPs are free-spirited idea mills and absentminded professors, which makes them fun to be around, easily diverted, and a plethora of unending creativity."
- Otto Kroeger
Famous INTPs
INTP in the Population
INTP is one of the less common types in the population, especially for women. Among women, INTPis the fourth rarest type (after INTJ, ENTJ, and INFJ). INTPs make up:
3% of the general population
5% of men
2% of women
P.S.
Being the anal person that i am, i took the test, a few different tests, many times to confirm that i am indeed an INTP :) So I'm not mad after all, I'm a typical INTP, always having arguments in my head. Makes sense to me now. but yet, i didn't think i am smart.
11 May 2016 - Feeling Stupid.
Al***a is a shit line card. One of the PM is clueless about what is going on and the other one is on an emotional roller coaster ride all the time.
I just heard the most absurd thing. Which is so manipulative.
I was happily pregnant after a miscarriage the year before. And then i have to lose it again. Indirectly because of Ms Inferiority Complex. Al***a was going through a price increase and I didn't want her to face all the work alone because she was going through depression. So despite the doctor's advice to be bedridden, i chose to work.. til late into the night. Because she was crazy emotionally at that time and she took it out on me, most probably unconsciously and unintentionally. (But i take responsibility for not heeding the doctor's advice too) I never told her she contributed to my stress because i didn't want to hurt her with guilt. It was only recently when i talked about the miscarriage that i found out from Siyun about something that bothered me. While i was on hospital leave, Ms Inferiority Complex told everyone (Kimchi, Siyun, Priscillia, Amy Woo etc etc) not to contact me so as not to upset me. She painted the picture to everyone that i was contacting no one but her. Screw that. I was replying everyone's message EXCEPT hers. And this behaviour meant that she was in denial and so selfishly still thinking of herself. It is more important to let everyone think she is my only source of contact because we are so close than to let anyone show me some concern. Maybe because of guilt. But this is so selfish.
She must have realised she was going through some sort of craziness at that time. Because once I'm back to work, she went to Beijing to work for a week. And when she is back from Beijing, she took sick leave for a week.. for being mentally unsound. No kidding. She said so herself. She said she was vomiting water and losing appetite. What a loser. And i was actually encouraging her to be strong. I was the one who should be feeling depressed after a second loss. I almost hate myself for being so stupid for a fleeting moment.
Ms Inferiority Complex is like a bottomless pit, never satisfied, never confident, always feeling inferior, always jealous and most of all..never grateful. I realised i wanted to help her find confidence and be strong not because i see her as a friend. She will never make it to be my friend based on my criteria. Just pity. And a firm belief that everyone should love themselves. That's why i feel a need to take care of her. But for how long?
But then again, i do not feel bitterness..the truth hurts but it also sets me free. I know how i should deal with her more effectively now. I need to be sure i do not get suck in to the black hole of her depression or anxiety attacks.
Life is colourful and it actually makes me a better person than myself yesterday because these people are walking around for me to observe. It teaches me how to be a better human being.
I just heard the most absurd thing. Which is so manipulative.
She must have realised she was going through some sort of craziness at that time. Because once I'm back to work, she went to Beijing to work for a week. And when she is back from Beijing, she took sick leave for a week.. for being mentally unsound. No kidding. She said so herself. She said she was vomiting water and losing appetite. What a loser. And i was actually encouraging her to be strong. I was the one who should be feeling depressed after a second loss. I almost hate myself for being so stupid for a fleeting moment.
Ms Inferiority Complex is like a bottomless pit, never satisfied, never confident, always feeling inferior, always jealous and most of all..never grateful. I realised i wanted to help her find confidence and be strong not because i see her as a friend. She will never make it to be my friend based on my criteria. Just pity. And a firm belief that everyone should love themselves. That's why i feel a need to take care of her. But for how long?
But then again, i do not feel bitterness..the truth hurts but it also sets me free. I know how i should deal with her more effectively now. I need to be sure i do not get suck in to the black hole of her depression or anxiety attacks.
Life is colourful and it actually makes me a better person than myself yesterday because these people are walking around for me to observe. It teaches me how to be a better human being.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
8 May 2016 - Mother's Day
Today is Mother's day and it's the 7th year that i celebrate this day as a mother myself.
I messaged Jervis during lunch time to ask if everyone is available for dinner tonight and he told me our mother is throwing a tantrum. Felt xianz the moment i hear that. It has been so many years but somehow my mum's temper and black face always affect me. I do not understand why is my mother always so unhappy with life. I have never seen her truly happy since i was a child. Her mood swings were frequent and she always took it out on me. I used to think marriage and family took its toil on her. We were her burden. I was aware of this the day she said she wanted to divorce my dad and she only wanted Jervis..the youngest. But deep in my heart, i knew she loves Jervoise and me as well. I just did.
Anyway, we went ahead to mum's place for dinner. We bought food from a tze char stall in Bedok Reservoir and I was looking forward to a joyous dinner. There were sweet and sour meat, nai bai, chicken wings, ginger sliced fish, prawn balls, pork ribs, pork strips, sze chuan vegetables and eggs. Yummy right. My mum sat at the other end of the table and Jfk passed her the eggs. She replied "i don't eat eggs". After 5mins, she stood up and reached for the eggs. If Jfk was livid, he didn't show it at the dinner table.
I felt caught in between my mum and my husband. It hurts every time we quarrel about each other's family. Over the years, i have learnt to deal with it. But it does hurt me. I am not immune to hurt and pain but i choose not to let it affect me in any way. I want to be happy and i really believe that life is too precious to waste it feeling negative.
I love you Mummy.
Happy Mother's Day to all!
I messaged Jervis during lunch time to ask if everyone is available for dinner tonight and he told me our mother is throwing a tantrum. Felt xianz the moment i hear that. It has been so many years but somehow my mum's temper and black face always affect me. I do not understand why is my mother always so unhappy with life. I have never seen her truly happy since i was a child. Her mood swings were frequent and she always took it out on me. I used to think marriage and family took its toil on her. We were her burden. I was aware of this the day she said she wanted to divorce my dad and she only wanted Jervis..the youngest. But deep in my heart, i knew she loves Jervoise and me as well. I just did.
Anyway, we went ahead to mum's place for dinner. We bought food from a tze char stall in Bedok Reservoir and I was looking forward to a joyous dinner. There were sweet and sour meat, nai bai, chicken wings, ginger sliced fish, prawn balls, pork ribs, pork strips, sze chuan vegetables and eggs. Yummy right. My mum sat at the other end of the table and Jfk passed her the eggs. She replied "i don't eat eggs". After 5mins, she stood up and reached for the eggs. If Jfk was livid, he didn't show it at the dinner table.
I felt caught in between my mum and my husband. It hurts every time we quarrel about each other's family. Over the years, i have learnt to deal with it. But it does hurt me. I am not immune to hurt and pain but i choose not to let it affect me in any way. I want to be happy and i really believe that life is too precious to waste it feeling negative.
I love you Mummy.
Happy Mother's Day to all!
25 April 2016 - When weariness hits
I feel so weary. I cried last night, for no apparent reasons. I just felt like it and i did.
I felt tired having to juggle so many things at a time. 3 sets of families, but nothing i do is enough for JFK. It almost seems as if he is pushing my limits to see how far it can go. Every little things upset him. I am tired of the way we communicate..if it even count as communicating. We are just going through the routines of life. What is expected of us. Where we need to be. Who we need to meet up with. The responsibilities that we need to fulfil.
I want to make this selfish statement: I wish i can drop everything, including my mobile phone, and do what i want to do. For many days. To re-charge. It is so simple. I want to watch a movie of my choice, eat alone in the middle of CBD area and watch people rushing about with their lives while i sit at a cafe with a cup of coffee. Just watching and relaxing. I want to have dinner at a Korean restaurant eating bbq meat. I want to go to a karaoke joint and sing my heart out and drink all the beer i can. I can if i want to. But someone or some voices in my head are always arguing with each other. Conflict of interest. Sometimes, i think I'm just weird and wired...mad.
I bet everyone makes checklists. At work, at home etc We make checklists to help us remember things. I make checklists all the time. I make a checklist of chores to be done at home and tasks that need to be completed at work. I even make a mental checklist on people. I know what works for me and what don't. I am so anal. First on my list to qualify as a friend would certainly be as real as can be. I loathe "fakeness", hypocrisy and selfishness. Life should be as simple as can be and we should all be sincere.
Recently, things got busy. Like really busy. I think after the Chinese New Year, i have been frequently clocking in 12 hours shift. And a few Saturdays. I settle down in the office by 7.15am and start working. That would be about 1hr and 45 mins of OT at the start of day. And work seems to pile..i do not know why. It just seem to have gotten worst. But i have been observing the work process. Sometimes, it is not the process that fail, it is the people and the different stages of the whole process.
I love life. I love people even though the ironic thing is i really like to be alone. No man is an island of his own. But it has been draining me recently and i wish i can pack my bags and disappear. Go somewhere more down to earth than materialistic Singapore.
I love Samuel. Very much. He is the only human being that i really love with all my heart. He holds the key to my sanity, to keep it all intact and be normal. For him, i would do anything.
Anger. I got angry with Arrow for trying to control the way i use my annual leaves. I got angry with all the people who set the wrong rules and our job scope got expanded with expedites, claims, oracle issues etc etc etc all of which are not going to help make me a better person or climb any f**king corporate ladder. I got angry with the vegetables for turning yellow on the day i want to cook it. I got angry with the hot water flask for burning my hands. I got angry with the shower head for being so big. I know and I'm aware..such are irrational anger. That's the two voices talking to each other now. Let's call them Logic the angel and Illogical the devil. Thanks to Logic, i am no where near depression.
Rules and conforming. I detest these words. I detest social norms and "politically correct" anything. But i still do it because it is necessary to do the politically correct things at home, at work, at social functions. So that no can can bite my ass and say "ha, there she goes again" Logic reminds me of this all the time.
I think so many thoughts go in and out of my head so fast, sometimes i blah things out mindlessly. But I'm no big mouth. I am very good at keeping secrets. Even Samuel commented that i am such a random mummy. "Mummy, how can you say this thing and you change to another thing so fast. We cannot understand you lei." Sometimes, this little boy seems remarkably intelligent to me. It is almost like God sent him to me as an anchor in my life. Solid like an Ox. An earthen Ox..no less. I feel like an airhead next to him sometimes. He is like this little solid rock, firm and strong in his opinions. I don't think he sits on the fence like his dad. I think he is a strong minded boy.
Emotional. I think i am slightly lacking in this department but the strange thing is, i can empathised with others. I can almost feel the pain, anxiety, fear, excitement, envy etc etc of others. Too much. So much so it bothers me when i can't solve their problems. Maybe I kaypoh. Thank God that i am adept at compartmentalising everything and separating my own well-being from everything toxic to my soul. Else, i would have gone mad. I would be in IMH by now..or worst, suicidal.
I am full of contradictions...maybe because i truly believe the world is one big playground that can accommodate all sorts of "children".
Ha..beware the barren-ness of a busy life.
Such random ramblings...but i am still grateful to God and life. And being in Singapore.
I want to make this selfish statement: I wish i can drop everything, including my mobile phone, and do what i want to do. For many days. To re-charge. It is so simple. I want to watch a movie of my choice, eat alone in the middle of CBD area and watch people rushing about with their lives while i sit at a cafe with a cup of coffee. Just watching and relaxing. I want to have dinner at a Korean restaurant eating bbq meat. I want to go to a karaoke joint and sing my heart out and drink all the beer i can. I can if i want to. But someone or some voices in my head are always arguing with each other. Conflict of interest. Sometimes, i think I'm just weird and wired...mad.
I bet everyone makes checklists. At work, at home etc We make checklists to help us remember things. I make checklists all the time. I make a checklist of chores to be done at home and tasks that need to be completed at work. I even make a mental checklist on people. I know what works for me and what don't. I am so anal. First on my list to qualify as a friend would certainly be as real as can be. I loathe "fakeness", hypocrisy and selfishness. Life should be as simple as can be and we should all be sincere.
Recently, things got busy. Like really busy. I think after the Chinese New Year, i have been frequently clocking in 12 hours shift. And a few Saturdays. I settle down in the office by 7.15am and start working. That would be about 1hr and 45 mins of OT at the start of day. And work seems to pile..i do not know why. It just seem to have gotten worst. But i have been observing the work process. Sometimes, it is not the process that fail, it is the people and the different stages of the whole process.
I love life. I love people even though the ironic thing is i really like to be alone. No man is an island of his own. But it has been draining me recently and i wish i can pack my bags and disappear. Go somewhere more down to earth than materialistic Singapore.
I love Samuel. Very much. He is the only human being that i really love with all my heart. He holds the key to my sanity, to keep it all intact and be normal. For him, i would do anything.
Anger. I got angry with Arrow for trying to control the way i use my annual leaves. I got angry with all the people who set the wrong rules and our job scope got expanded with expedites, claims, oracle issues etc etc etc all of which are not going to help make me a better person or climb any f**king corporate ladder. I got angry with the vegetables for turning yellow on the day i want to cook it. I got angry with the hot water flask for burning my hands. I got angry with the shower head for being so big. I know and I'm aware..such are irrational anger. That's the two voices talking to each other now. Let's call them Logic the angel and Illogical the devil. Thanks to Logic, i am no where near depression.
Rules and conforming. I detest these words. I detest social norms and "politically correct" anything. But i still do it because it is necessary to do the politically correct things at home, at work, at social functions. So that no can can bite my ass and say "ha, there she goes again" Logic reminds me of this all the time.
I think so many thoughts go in and out of my head so fast, sometimes i blah things out mindlessly. But I'm no big mouth. I am very good at keeping secrets. Even Samuel commented that i am such a random mummy. "Mummy, how can you say this thing and you change to another thing so fast. We cannot understand you lei." Sometimes, this little boy seems remarkably intelligent to me. It is almost like God sent him to me as an anchor in my life. Solid like an Ox. An earthen Ox..no less. I feel like an airhead next to him sometimes. He is like this little solid rock, firm and strong in his opinions. I don't think he sits on the fence like his dad. I think he is a strong minded boy.
Emotional. I think i am slightly lacking in this department but the strange thing is, i can empathised with others. I can almost feel the pain, anxiety, fear, excitement, envy etc etc of others. Too much. So much so it bothers me when i can't solve their problems. Maybe I kaypoh. Thank God that i am adept at compartmentalising everything and separating my own well-being from everything toxic to my soul. Else, i would have gone mad. I would be in IMH by now..or worst, suicidal.
I am full of contradictions...maybe because i truly believe the world is one big playground that can accommodate all sorts of "children".
Ha..beware the barren-ness of a busy life.
Such random ramblings...but i am still grateful to God and life. And being in Singapore.
Today is Edwin's birthday, God bless this man. :)
Monday, May 2, 2016
8 January 2016 - First week of school
This week is finally over and I'm so tired. We have been waking up at 5am everyday for the whole week. Samuel starts his primary school education this week and there were 3 days of school orientation. This was really a great idea as it helped both the parents and child to settle in.
I was overwhelmed with emotions as i watched Samuel from afar. He mingled around with friends and walked back to class independently.
This is the beginning of his official education in Singapore. And I'm thankful to be able to witness it.
I was overwhelmed with emotions as i watched Samuel from afar. He mingled around with friends and walked back to class independently.
This is the beginning of his official education in Singapore. And I'm thankful to be able to witness it.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
3 January 2016 - God inspired
School re-opens tomorrow and we are all ready but i keep thinking that I might have missed out on something and this went through my head like almost a thousand times. Samuel is happily playing at Kellar's place, oblivious to the fact that he will be starting a new milestone tomorrow. Children are so innocent. I watched Samuel from a distance when we were in church this morning. He was singing praises to God and enjoying himself. I hope we are bringing him up the way that God intended for him to be, and set out to fulfil the plans that God has for him.
Tweet for Thought ftom Pastor Dom:
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A very blessed New Year to you and your family! It's the first weekend of 2016;I truly believe that it's a season of new beginnings and opportunities to see God's victory in your life.
God will pour new things into our lives in 2016, but we cannot fully embrace it until we have let go of 2015 and our past. Matthew 9: 16-17 says, "No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch with pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."
Regardless of how you feel, don't stay stuck because of your reluctance to change, surrender, reposition or simply let go and let God. It's time to throw the old wineskin and let God pour new wine into new wineskins. God has put in you all that you need to push through the threshold and move forward in 2016. His Spirit is upon you. His strength, His peace, His comfort, His wisdom - He makes all of His resources available for your to breakthrough into the new things.
It's time to let go, move forward and see God's victories happening!
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Today's sermon was on prayer. We should prayer as that is a form of communication to God, our heavenly Father. I agree..prayer should not just be a way to ask things or favours from God. I am tired of thinking of aliens and science..i will convince Jfk to join a family cell so that we can grow spiritually. Be that God centred family we should be..and honour God for blessing us with Samuel.
2 January 2016 - Gossips and delusional acceptance
We went for dinner with Jfk's family today to celebrate his niece, Jasmin's birthday. And during dinner, Jasmin asked Jfk how was the Legoland trip with my mother *wink*. The look on Jasmin's face told me that her Nai Nai has said horrible things of my mother to her and she said Nai Nai has told her all about my mother bla bla bla. Well, Jfk had complained to my mother-in-law about my mum, once. That my mum can be quite difficult to get along with and sort of gives in to Samuel most times and she nags..alot. And Jasmin said Nai Nai talked to her for almost 2 hours in the hotel room in Genting while her parents went to the casino.
I really find it harder and harder to love someone like my mother-in-law. Or respect, for that matter. She really has no business to bad mouth my mother to Jasmin of all people. What did my mum do to warrant this? I cannot understand why is there a need for her to gossip about anyone and everyone. The whole time during dinner, i tried to think of a reason or circumstances that could lead to her talking bad about my mum to Jasmin. To find justification. None.
In her own words, everyone "eat shit" (in teochew) Don't she understand that gossip is like a boomerang that will come back full circle to the person who threw it? I mean at her age? All the time she will try to pry me about Jervoise's marriage to "that Mongolian", perhaps hoping that i have something bad to say and she can use this juicy piece of story to act as a great conversation piece to another group of people. Anyway, I'm always very cautious with her questions. My instincts on a person's character seldom fail me and I always reply her with "they are doing great, thank you for asking." You know the difference when someone ask out of concern or someone ask out of kaypoh-ness.
Anyway, i was really seething with anger while eating my fish and chips at Swensons. I wanted to walk up to her and tell her off. But i didn't. I needed a plan on how to deal with her behaviour. It was getting extremely hard to look her in the eye without disdain, so i avoided looking at her altogether.
I realised that she has this thought of herself being righteous, straight forward, well-liked, easy going and may i say adventurous. But the number of people i heard her complained about and fell out with, well.. She likes to be in control, albeit subtle way. And is certainly not as straight forward as me. So because she thinks she is that perfect person that she is, it is always someone else's fault..regardless. That's what i call delusional acceptance. "I accept that i am a person without flaws, therefore there is no need for me to improve, i accept that this IS me and the best IS already here". That's under a delusion..in my opinion. And unfortunately..that would mean no improvement and growth as a person.
Gossiping is also an insecure behaviour. Putting others down to feel superior because "I'm DA BEST" haha And I'm not so angry with her today because i accept that gossiping about everyone and anyone is a character flaw driven from a rather small heart cum small mind. That is enough reason to garner sympathy from me instead of anger. Also, i cannot be selfish, i need to look at the big picture and maintain harmony in the family. I need to teach proper family values to Samuel, therefore, i will let this slide. No one is perfect and I'm guilty of gossiping too.
I do have this feeling that I'm pyscho-ing myself to let go and stay calm lol
I really find it harder and harder to love someone like my mother-in-law. Or respect, for that matter. She really has no business to bad mouth my mother to Jasmin of all people. What did my mum do to warrant this? I cannot understand why is there a need for her to gossip about anyone and everyone. The whole time during dinner, i tried to think of a reason or circumstances that could lead to her talking bad about my mum to Jasmin. To find justification. None.
In her own words, everyone "eat shit" (in teochew) Don't she understand that gossip is like a boomerang that will come back full circle to the person who threw it? I mean at her age? All the time she will try to pry me about Jervoise's marriage to "that Mongolian", perhaps hoping that i have something bad to say and she can use this juicy piece of story to act as a great conversation piece to another group of people. Anyway, I'm always very cautious with her questions. My instincts on a person's character seldom fail me and I always reply her with "they are doing great, thank you for asking." You know the difference when someone ask out of concern or someone ask out of kaypoh-ness.
Anyway, i was really seething with anger while eating my fish and chips at Swensons. I wanted to walk up to her and tell her off. But i didn't. I needed a plan on how to deal with her behaviour. It was getting extremely hard to look her in the eye without disdain, so i avoided looking at her altogether.
I realised that she has this thought of herself being righteous, straight forward, well-liked, easy going and may i say adventurous. But the number of people i heard her complained about and fell out with, well.. She likes to be in control, albeit subtle way. And is certainly not as straight forward as me. So because she thinks she is that perfect person that she is, it is always someone else's fault..regardless. That's what i call delusional acceptance. "I accept that i am a person without flaws, therefore there is no need for me to improve, i accept that this IS me and the best IS already here". That's under a delusion..in my opinion. And unfortunately..that would mean no improvement and growth as a person.
Gossiping is also an insecure behaviour. Putting others down to feel superior because "I'm DA BEST" haha And I'm not so angry with her today because i accept that gossiping about everyone and anyone is a character flaw driven from a rather small heart cum small mind. That is enough reason to garner sympathy from me instead of anger. Also, i cannot be selfish, i need to look at the big picture and maintain harmony in the family. I need to teach proper family values to Samuel, therefore, i will let this slide. No one is perfect and I'm guilty of gossiping too.
I do have this feeling that I'm pyscho-ing myself to let go and stay calm lol
31 December 2015 - Last day of 2015
December had been hectic. It is my favourite month, next to November. This is the time of the year where people are more relaxed and Christmas trees spring up everywhere. Orchard road is lighted up in neon lights and stars are hanging on lamp posts. People are buying presents and there are many gift papers in lovely designs. Everything is so dreamy and cheerful.
And so Winnie rang me up in November to ask if i could volunteer to be part of the make up team for our church's Christmas's production . I agreed..almost immediately. This was the closest i can get to serving God. Because i am not with any cell groups, not a celebration host, car park warden or Sunday school teacher. Besides this year, Mr Brown was taking part in the play as well. This would be the second time that we are working together in the same production. And so, there were rehearsals and 3 days of working on the production. I woke up at 5am on Christmas day and reported to the backstage at 6am, worked through the almost the whole day. When it all ended, i felt tired but fulfilled. I was given a MC on the 23 December to go for a Xray for this persistent cough. But i went ahead to work because it wouldn't be right to be on MC for work and report to church to serve God at 4pm. So.. i missed that Xray.
Happy New Year everyone. Have a blast.
As i am approaching my 40th birthday soon, i think i might have mid life crisis. I got emotional on the last day of Samuel's pre-school. I got emotional just thinking that it meant my mum will not be able to pick up Samuel and me after work, it also meant our dabao-ing days are over. We had the same routine for almost 5 years. And now, as a new chapter begins, we will have to find a different set of routine. I can see mum miss Samuel already. She gave him extra hugs whenever possible now. Everyday after work, she look forward to picking Samuel from church and then me. We will then decide where to get dinner for the whole family..Siglap, Bedok Reservoir, Bedok Central, Bedok mall, Bedok Point, Chai Chee, Bedok South and 110. Pasta Mania on special days and accompanying mum to buy clothes on some Fridays. I feel sad as i write this.
I took leave from 4 Jan to 6 Jan to prepare for school. Samuel starts his primary school education and i have anxiety attacks. But if we won't be having anymore kids, this would be a momentous time for us. i want us to be there for him, in this new milestone. To be able to enjoy packing stuff for the first day of primary one, buying school uniforms, school shoes, socks, bag, books etc While we were in Malaysia, I received a message from Edwin asking me if he could now reject the leave and if i need to be involved for all 3 days of school orientation. I was not amused and i was actually saddened by it. Maybe no matter how much i do or how hard i try, i will always be one of the scumbags. I took leave to spend more time with Samuel and be away from work, instead of going on a vacation. I thought that was a decent thing to do as his mother. To be there.
Looking for fulfilment and at 40, i do not know what else can i do... but i do know that when there is a will, there is a way. Always.
Looking for fulfilment and at 40, i do not know what else can i do... but i do know that when there is a will, there is a way. Always.
Happy New Year everyone. Have a blast.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
13 December, 2015 - John Lennon and Yoko Ono
I got curious about John Lennon and his love for his wife this weekend. He was assassinated on the 8th Dec 1980 and Yoko saw him fell down onto the floor after getting shot. Five shots, to be exact. He was 40 when he died, the moment a famous person died uneventfully, he/she is almost immediately immortalised. Which is strange because people die all the time, everyday.
He was part of the Beatles and they were one big band back in those days. The Beatles fans didn't like Yoko because they thought she broke up the band. But I think he was the one who was obsessed with her. He brought her everywhere and he constantly wants her by his side. Plus, he was as asshole. I read somewhere that he made fun of disabled people and dig at his fellow band mates whenever possible.
Anyways..why do most artistic people have warped characters?
Let it be..let it be, let it be oh let it be.. Let it go, let it go...OOPS
He was part of the Beatles and they were one big band back in those days. The Beatles fans didn't like Yoko because they thought she broke up the band. But I think he was the one who was obsessed with her. He brought her everywhere and he constantly wants her by his side. Plus, he was as asshole. I read somewhere that he made fun of disabled people and dig at his fellow band mates whenever possible.
Anyways..why do most artistic people have warped characters?
Let it be..let it be, let it be oh let it be.. Let it go, let it go...OOPS
Thursday, December 10, 2015
9 December 2015 - Mid life crisis?
40 is a big number to me where i am now. It's mid life if i live up to 80. And if i don't, i do not have many years 10 years left.
What memories did i create for myself in my teens, 20s and 30s? I spent most of my early 20s working with 2 bitches, Cecilia and Catherine. And a horny bastard. But no regrets, else i wouldn't have been exposed to the colourful world of doing business in China. It is addictive, if one has no self control. And of cos dating with my then boyfriend. Boyfriend sounds like a younger word than husband. Saving up to buy our own place and our own car. Having a job meant having money to spend on drinking, eating and making myself look "nerd free". A job was just that, a money making machine to finance my "live in the moment' type of life.
30s was discovering and accepting that I'm just that. Dad died from cancer. Family ties. Motherhood. Love. Miscarriages. Weddings. Birth. Death. Cancer. People can actually just drop dead on any other day. These are some major events, i didn't mention the many happiness that i have. Maybe if i mention it, devil would read it because he is hovering above my laptop floating around. He might think this girl has too much happiness on her plate and he will come and kill, steal and destroy. F**k devil.
40-ing soon. No more babies. No one understands how i feel. I hate to hear "aiya bla bla bla"
40-ing soon. No more babies. No one understands how i feel. I hate to hear "aiya bla bla bla"
This is a bad entry, it's all over the place. The thoughts are all in my head but i can't express them out in order. Properly. And I'm feeling weird now, that's for sure.
If i have a choice, i would pack my bags and go London to get away from it all..oh with Jfk and Sam. I do not even know what is that "all". Or the easier alternative is to hole up at home and hide for a week or 2. At least there is lower risk of me getting killed by terrorists while travelling. Is this better than choosing a mask to wear everyday? A happy mask, a happier mask, a talkative mask, a friendly mask, a oh-i-am-so-excited mask, a nice and sweet mask. There are many people i wish i can throw a plate of spaghetti over their head, spicy ones like Aglio Olio so that their eyes will sting from chilli or pepper but i act smiley smiley and maintain a cordial front. I am so bloody fake.
Small... i am.
Small... i am.
Oh how i love the Beatles. And everything British.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
28 October 2015 - Emo
Today was one of those day that i felt emotional at work. I was being cornered by people who tried to tai-ji. I hate the feeling of being cornered to do the tasks that other people refused to even try. If you are able to lift your finger and make an effort to they to make the whole process a better one, and help someone, why won't you try? I felt angry. People can be so selfish and senseless. So..i wrote out a few harsh emails, direct and it sounded angry. But i cannot deal with such selfish attitudes and i started to draw boundaries with all the stupid assholes. The terrible behaviour of showing me selfishness made my chest became tight cos i was overwhelmed with anger and exasperation. Boundaries made me feel balanced.
I was restless. And for a moment, i miss Sean. Lunch escapades to nice food and more nice food. Talk nonsense and laugh. The gentle demeanour. On the last week of his notice period, i told him i will miss him. And he said "I'm just a few blocks away from you". He meant it literally.
At this moment on my bed, i willed myself to cry. By thinking of Matthew and Joshua, and how bad my life would be if i lose my family. Crying releases all the pent up negative emotions and cleanses the soul. An hour ago, Samuel has trouble falling asleep and he started crying and said "i keep on crying, it's a sad day today" hahaha Talk about being connected.
I really should sleep now.
I was restless. And for a moment, i miss Sean. Lunch escapades to nice food and more nice food. Talk nonsense and laugh. The gentle demeanour. On the last week of his notice period, i told him i will miss him. And he said "I'm just a few blocks away from you". He meant it literally.
At this moment on my bed, i willed myself to cry. By thinking of Matthew and Joshua, and how bad my life would be if i lose my family. Crying releases all the pent up negative emotions and cleanses the soul. An hour ago, Samuel has trouble falling asleep and he started crying and said "i keep on crying, it's a sad day today" hahaha Talk about being connected.
I really should sleep now.
Random Thoughts
This post is very late. We have since bought a new washing machine. :)
We went to the 24 hours laundry shop in Hougang this afternoon again. There are 3 washing machines for laundries up to 11kg and 3 other washing machines for laundries up to 17kg. At the other corner, there are 6 dryers. There is a row of chairs just opposite the washing machines. There is a ceiling fan, a wall mounted fan, 2 small tables, clothes baskets and a coin dispenser.
We went to the 24 hours laundry shop in Hougang this afternoon again. There are 3 washing machines for laundries up to 11kg and 3 other washing machines for laundries up to 17kg. At the other corner, there are 6 dryers. There is a row of chairs just opposite the washing machines. There is a ceiling fan, a wall mounted fan, 2 small tables, clothes baskets and a coin dispenser.
We were here last Saturday after the elections on Friday. I'm not sure if i had been sensitive but the atmosphere seemed sombre haha After all, the Worker's Party didn't win big in Hougang this time round.
Sitting in the laundry shop makes me feel more down to earth somehow. I like to sit and stare at the washing machine. Sssuuuusshhhing away, washing our clothes. People walk in and out of the shop. I wonder where do they live, what do they do for a living, what will they do after doing the laundry etc.
In the laundry shop, i can stone. Basically we are stuck at that area to do nothing except to wash our laundry and have lunch. I feel awesome to be able to walk from our car to the laundry shop carrying our big bag of laundry. It reminds me that we are alive and together as a family. We are able to make the choice of having lunch at the coffeeshop with Samuel..before he grows up and lead a life of his own. Time waits for no one.
Sitting in the laundry shop makes me feel more down to earth somehow. I like to sit and stare at the washing machine. Sssuuuusshhhing away, washing our clothes. People walk in and out of the shop. I wonder where do they live, what do they do for a living, what will they do after doing the laundry etc.
In the laundry shop, i can stone. Basically we are stuck at that area to do nothing except to wash our laundry and have lunch. I feel awesome to be able to walk from our car to the laundry shop carrying our big bag of laundry. It reminds me that we are alive and together as a family. We are able to make the choice of having lunch at the coffeeshop with Samuel..before he grows up and lead a life of his own. Time waits for no one.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
24 August, 2015 - Life..as it is
Life is like a gift, we never know what is inside unless we open it.
We just got back from a family trip to KL yesterday evening and I must say, it had been a really much awaited trip together as a family...my family. It is not easy to get both Jervoise and Jervis to travel together because both have very different habits when it comes to traveling. The last trip together was to Malacca and that was almost 3 years ago.
I saw a mother carrying a baby, about 3 months old, sitting by the roadside begging for money. The baby, wrapped in a piece of dirty linen, was fast asleep on the mother's lap. Which mother would carry her newborn begging on a polluted street unless she was being driven to desperation. I have wondered, for a split second, if that was even her baby, or was she just part of a syndicate. But i felt sadness in my heart. Sad that there were people who lived in abundance and not counting their blessings and on the other spectrum, people were suffering and dying from hunger due to poverty.
Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression. I used too think that only losers get these. Because they have not been strong and because they allowed their negative state of mind to take control of themselves. This weekend, i came to my own conclusion that perhaps it is not the weaker human beings that could come under such attacks, these are some sort of mental sicknesses that cannot be controlled. These people need medication.
But after seeing all the beggars on the streets of KL, i have second thoughts. What if these people who have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression live in such conditions? Living in hunger, with no shelter, no money, no hope, no tomorrow. If you live in hunger everyday, would you still care for attention for vanity reasons, fear of losing precious love ones or items, sense of insecurity etc? Perhaps not. There will be different other worries such as "when would the next meal be?" etc. Because you don't own anything you won't have the fear of losing anything. Perhaps the only fear would be losing one's life. It is really with anger when i typed these words. Because if you think life is a bitch and you live in fear all the time, fear of getting hurt, fear of loss etc, it is as good as not living.
I know of someone, who is constantly under such attacks. Let's call her W. W has been under anxiety attacks leading to depression so many times that i have lost count. And i sort of suffered due to her behaviours because she is my colleague in the same team..unfortunately. W stays with her family and has a decent job. A job that probably pays well enough to put food on the table..obviously. W has irrational fears. Fears that are unfounded. Because i see W as a closer colleague (not close enough to share things about my family and close friends), i unknowingly fell victim to W's unreasonable behaviours..because i did care and in the process i subjected myself to emotional stress. And in 2013, i lost Matthew.. 2nd loss in 2 years. Of cos, i take responsibility for losing Matthew as I made the choice to prioritise work then. I am adamant about not allowing W to abuse my care this time as i am sick of her wallowing in self pity - in my words not being emotional bullied by "someone who is not mentally sound". I see a soul-less person behind W's eyes. At least, i could still see desperation and sadness in the eyes of that beggar, i saw someone defeated by fate. For W, the soul is not in that body.
Before the trip to KL, I was thinking of ways to positively influence W but now i just see W as someone who fails to see the glass as half full all the time. Jfk had depression once, but he is family and i love him enough to want to be by his side regardless. I guess i will probably still be there for W but i will need to draw the line from now on. And I have told her that i will and i am capable of dropping her like a hot potatoe if she starts her nonsense again. That was really my ultimatum. I felt instant relief after i said that :)
We just got back from a family trip to KL yesterday evening and I must say, it had been a really much awaited trip together as a family...my family. It is not easy to get both Jervoise and Jervis to travel together because both have very different habits when it comes to traveling. The last trip together was to Malacca and that was almost 3 years ago.
I saw a mother carrying a baby, about 3 months old, sitting by the roadside begging for money. The baby, wrapped in a piece of dirty linen, was fast asleep on the mother's lap. Which mother would carry her newborn begging on a polluted street unless she was being driven to desperation. I have wondered, for a split second, if that was even her baby, or was she just part of a syndicate. But i felt sadness in my heart. Sad that there were people who lived in abundance and not counting their blessings and on the other spectrum, people were suffering and dying from hunger due to poverty.
Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression. I used too think that only losers get these. Because they have not been strong and because they allowed their negative state of mind to take control of themselves. This weekend, i came to my own conclusion that perhaps it is not the weaker human beings that could come under such attacks, these are some sort of mental sicknesses that cannot be controlled. These people need medication.
But after seeing all the beggars on the streets of KL, i have second thoughts. What if these people who have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression live in such conditions? Living in hunger, with no shelter, no money, no hope, no tomorrow. If you live in hunger everyday, would you still care for attention for vanity reasons, fear of losing precious love ones or items, sense of insecurity etc? Perhaps not. There will be different other worries such as "when would the next meal be?" etc. Because you don't own anything you won't have the fear of losing anything. Perhaps the only fear would be losing one's life. It is really with anger when i typed these words. Because if you think life is a bitch and you live in fear all the time, fear of getting hurt, fear of loss etc, it is as good as not living.
I know of someone, who is constantly under such attacks. Let's call her W. W has been under anxiety attacks leading to depression so many times that i have lost count. And i sort of suffered due to her behaviours because she is my colleague in the same team..unfortunately. W stays with her family and has a decent job. A job that probably pays well enough to put food on the table..obviously. W has irrational fears. Fears that are unfounded. Because i see W as a closer colleague (not close enough to share things about my family and close friends), i unknowingly fell victim to W's unreasonable behaviours..because i did care and in the process i subjected myself to emotional stress. And in 2013, i lost Matthew.. 2nd loss in 2 years. Of cos, i take responsibility for losing Matthew as I made the choice to prioritise work then. I am adamant about not allowing W to abuse my care this time as i am sick of her wallowing in self pity - in my words not being emotional bullied by "someone who is not mentally sound". I see a soul-less person behind W's eyes. At least, i could still see desperation and sadness in the eyes of that beggar, i saw someone defeated by fate. For W, the soul is not in that body.
Before the trip to KL, I was thinking of ways to positively influence W but now i just see W as someone who fails to see the glass as half full all the time. Jfk had depression once, but he is family and i love him enough to want to be by his side regardless. I guess i will probably still be there for W but i will need to draw the line from now on. And I have told her that i will and i am capable of dropping her like a hot potatoe if she starts her nonsense again. That was really my ultimatum. I felt instant relief after i said that :)
Thursday, August 13, 2015
12 August, 2015 - SG50 National Day weekend
The long weekend is over..SG50 National Day weekend. Time flies past when we are having fun :) We went to catch the fireworks at Jervis's office. The company has catered food for staff and family members, arranged for a photo booth and also spray paint tattoo. His office has a great view of the city. We could see almost the whole of Marina Bay Sands from the conference room area.
I love Singapore. I love being a Singaporean. I love it that i can speak English, Mandarin, Hokkien and Cantonese effectively. I am proud to be part of a very successful little island led by a man with a vision. With that vision, we grew and we grew and we grew. It is so amazing what the man did to change the fate of so many people past, present and future.
So we celebrated, we felt the warmth in our heart when we sang along to Kit Chan's rendition of Home and we felt so strongly that day, here is home, truly.
And then life goes on, we went back to work and we corresponded with the Malaysians, the Thais, The Filipinos, the Burmese, the Chinese and the Hong Kongers. I am not a xenophobic but i do wish we do not have that many foreign talents crowding our country. Just saying..
Great to be born in Singapore :)
I love Singapore. I love being a Singaporean. I love it that i can speak English, Mandarin, Hokkien and Cantonese effectively. I am proud to be part of a very successful little island led by a man with a vision. With that vision, we grew and we grew and we grew. It is so amazing what the man did to change the fate of so many people past, present and future.
So we celebrated, we felt the warmth in our heart when we sang along to Kit Chan's rendition of Home and we felt so strongly that day, here is home, truly.
And then life goes on, we went back to work and we corresponded with the Malaysians, the Thais, The Filipinos, the Burmese, the Chinese and the Hong Kongers. I am not a xenophobic but i do wish we do not have that many foreign talents crowding our country. Just saying..
Great to be born in Singapore :)
Thursday, July 30, 2015
29 July, 2015 - Hospitals
Samuel had high fever over the weekend and it fluctuated between 37 degrees Celcius and 39.7 degrees Celcius. So i had to sponge him and feed him brufen and paracetamol alternately every 3 hours. And also to take his temperature. We had to do this on Friday night and Saturday night. And on Sunday, Jervoise hurt his back again..from a cough, while preparing to go to the Changi hospital to see our grandma with mum. So in the end Jfk and me sent him to Tan Tock Seng and we spent the whole afternoon sitting outside the waiting area in A&E while he gets treated. By the time we got back to mum's place, it was already 9pm. The whole time we at there, i saw almost 20 ambulances bringing people in. It is really a blessing to be healthy and alive and be able to walk, talk, breathe, eat, drink and sit.
Yesterday, i finally went to the doctor because the left side of my neck hurts. The pain started on Saturday but there was really no time to see the doctor with so many things to take care of. So i went on a Monday evening and the clinic refused to take in any more patients because it was closed, that was only 8.30 and the clinic is supposed to close only at 10pm. Damn.
And so..the doctor said it was lymph nodes that was swollen and causing the pain. I had the cough for almost a month now. And he gave me a letter to go get an X-ray. I also got some antibiotics, cough pills, logenges and flu med. And i truly thank God that yesterday and today were not busy days at work. Because i really feel tired and drowsy..and just really tired.
Jervoise picked me up from work and we went to Changi hospital to visit grandma. She was hospitalised because her red blood cells were too low. As i stared at her face, i realised my grandma has aged alot. She used to wear cheongsums when i was younger and she was tall and regal. She could cooked up a storm and make fantastic soups. So typical of a Cantonese family. It's double boiled soup for every meal. It's a must. She looks frail and...aged. There were many fine lines on her face and she was playing Facebook haha I have never been close to her because she doted on Jervoise, i was just there because. I had to eat char siew rice for lunch almost everyday after school because grandpa will buy that for us, because it was Jervoise's favourite food. I hated char siew rice. I still do, must have given me a phobia. But YeYe and MaMa would bring Jervoise and me for long bus rides. I have memories of the 4 of us taking a double decker bus and feeling happy..in those days, there were no MRT yet. And after the rides, we would walk the long road back home in Geylang. Maybe the bus rides wasn't so long and the road home is not far, but when we were kids, the world looked alot bigger :) And there were many afternoons spent in the open air playground at the top level of parkway parade. I wish we had photos to show..but there are only memories.
As i walked to the canteen in Changi hospital, it brought back memories. The last time i stepped foot in the canteen was 6 years ago, with mum and Auntie Eugenia..with Samuel in my womb. The fishes in the pond were still as big as before. Pa used to sit at the bench and stared at the fishes and of cos to sneak a smoke. There was once when both of us sat there for half an hour..in silence, just staring at the fishes. But Qi Ji is gone..and so is the open air car park. The hospital is going through some renovation to make it more enticing. Duh. It's really not the place, the doctors and nurses have to buck up. Patients really do want to have accurate diagnosis, gets admitted and DISCHARGED.
It had been an eventful week..with health issues for all. But all is well :)
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