17 July, 2015 - Am i a lousy mother?

As i am approaching 40, i have many mixed feelings. Not fear of growing old but fear of biological clock ticking away. I had a chat with Eunice when we were in the canteen of ACS having lunch. She is 41 and like me, she has only one son, Lucas. We both have days whereby we would be very firm and sure that one child was good enough and days when this belief waver.

Whenever Samuel plays his Lego set by himself, i truly think he is enjoying himself a lot until i see him dashing to the gate to see if our neighbour is back. And walks back to his Lego when he realised it is not Keller.. There are days he hugs me tightly and say "i wish i can have a didi, mummy, i will share my toys with him" And i will be reminded of Matthew and Joshua..and what it could have been. Lucas often make the request to have a sibling to his mother too.

Jfk and me were a pair of DINKS - dual income no kids couple. Samuel was an accident pregnancy and Jfk had said then that if we didn't plan on having any kids, we should abort it and never to regret it. But Samuel is like a forbidden fruit. We tasted parenthood and we enjoy every moment of it. And it is human nature to become greedy. We wanted another child and failed many times.

There are days when I am quite sure one child is enough since the world is so complicated and I don't really want to bring another human being to suffer on Earth. And there are days i got selfish harbouring the thought of bringing another human being to Earth because i want to go through the process of being a mother to a baby, a toddler and a pre-schooler..and breastfeed.

If i am in my early 30s, i think i will have no qualms about trying for another child without so much concerns. Eunice shared the same thought as me. Samuel and Lucas are both going primary 1 next year, it is a good age. We are now no longer sure if we want to go through the whole process of pregnancy and all. Anway, it is also not like i have a choice to become pregnant..

I was feeling guilty and emotional because i had not spend enough time with Samuel in the weekdays recently. I forgot all his spellings and 听写,  i didn't coach him at all. In the end, he got his 听写 almost all wrong. Instead, i spent more time at work in a dead end job and also time in the gym trying to get slimmer. A week ago, i was staring at my pc and i black out..Bryan came to my desk and asked me about ACS. Chatted abit about the school, student care and the school bus and then I don't know what got into me...i blah out that i am not a very good mother because my child has to go to student care after spending a whole morning in school. I thought i felt tears in my eyes..anyway he said quality time starts after work at 6pm on weekdays and weekends. The child will have a lot of activities in school and he will be so busy that he probably won't have that much time for his mother. A woman should continue to work blah blah blah.  Somehow i felt less guilty after hearing that, he was right.

I think it all started after Samuel told me "Mummy, i cannot take the school bus home because there is no one at home." I felt so sad after hearing that. I merely smiled and told him "student care would be fun as Lucas is there, both of you are good friends and you like him alot right?" Samuel smiled and gave me a tight hug and kiss my cheek, telling me how much he loves me. I love you alot too my precious child.

God, You know what i want badly, is it a "wait" now? Will it ever happen?

What an apt quote from Mr Lee Kuan Yew about working :)

16 July, 2015 - 6th birthday celebration

Samuel turned 6 today. He has grown so tall, reaching my shoulders already. It seems like just yesterday that i was still breastfeeding him. Mama pillow :)

Jfk and me took leave, we want to celebrate Samuel's birthday and make him a very happy child today. I hired a magician to perform in pre-school as this is the last year he gets to celebrate in school. The cost of hiring the magician was $330 and the cake cost $80.. not to mention the goody bags for Samuel's classmates, which cost about $60. Birthday parties are very expensive nowadays. 

All the K1 and K2 kids gathered in the music room and sang him a birthday song. I will miss this childcare centre when Samuel leaves at the end of the year.  The magic performance was 30mins and the balloon sculpting was an hour. After 30mins, the children from K1 and K2 Kindness left the music room and only K2 Gentleness stayed on. It was in chaos as the kids leave the room running, skipping and laughing. I was soaking in the atmosphere, i felt this was the last time i will get to celebrate my child's birthday in a childcare. 

Jfk decided that we should catch the movie Antman since Samuel wanted to watch that movie. So we went to catch it in Katong I12. After the movie, we went home to let Samuel rest. Flu and cough can be bothersome. 

We had dinner with my family at Canton Paradise in Bedok Mall later in the evening. It was a blessing to have Mum, Jervoise, Jervis, Jfk, Samuel and me sitting at the round table in the restaurant. It was just missing Pa and Alisa. Jervis bought a cake for Samuel. Samuel got two birthday cakes today :) My family means the world to me.

Samuel is indeed the biggest gift from God, for he is blessed with the intelligence and emotional maturity that Pa has prayed for. Thank You..

8 July, 2015 - Anglo-Chinese School

I am so happy today, i couldn't stoop smiling today. Today it's THE day. A very important day to us as we are going to enrol Samuel in ACS. It's like a dream come true, so surreal. I am very, very happy. I have no idea how are we going to work out our schedules and our time but I am very determined to give Samuel a head start in education..by not going to a neighbourhood school.  In Jervis's words "all your connections are made in your primary and secondary school. Your peers will greatly influence your ambitions in life one way or another." I thought there was some truth in it. Look at what i am doing.. and what the rest of my cousins are doing. All of them hailed from Hwa Chong, Raffles, Victoria, IB programs etc. All the jiak kantangs who can also speak ok mandarin here and there since they all took higher Chinese as a subject. And they are smart, very smart. Seriously, i pale in comparison, like very pale.  :(

Geylang Methodist is not exactly a neighbourhood school...  but i don't like it. Maybe because of the "Geylang". The only thing i like is the word Methodist, because of this, it is considered affiliated to ACS. I'm a sucker.

Side tracked.. maybe it is a good thing i have only one child. I can focus on him. The mind is willing but the biological clock is ticking away. I would be lying to say I'm not apprehensive about another pregnancy. What if the baby dies again or worst, what if the baby is deformed?

So.. today we went to the library, then the canteen. We ordered food and ate at the canteen, i wanted to eat there because that is where Samuel will eat next time.

I "heart" you ACS  :))

To God be the glory, the best is yet to be.

6 July, 2015 - Random Ramblings

1st July 2015 - the official date that Edwin will head our team. It is really like a dream come true too, from Pemco days. So this "coronation day" was really something to celebrate for :) Here is a very honest, sincere and intelligent man, not full of shit or wayang but jaded. Jaded because like a sponge, he absorbs the essence of everything that surrounds him. Knowing too much and seeing too much..thank God he is strong enough to be able to withstand and host all the knowledge. But anyway, it is better to be in touched with our surroundings than be oblivious idiots. It is important to be sincere and honest human beings with integrity and genuinely care about others,  than wayang. God bless the man :)

I "took a few days leave" as dabao king last week. I know mum is not too pleased..but i can't help it. The routine last week was interrupted. The routine of buying dinner, packing Samuel's school bag, making Jervoise and Jervis's beds, boiling the water..all these at my mum's place. And washing the clothes, ironing, sweeping the floor..at my place. Had to put in extra hours almost the whole of last week, the only bonus was..unfortunately, a little fire in the canteen of my workplace and we got the the whole of Tuesday off. But the next day was a nightmare when i saw the huge pile of work. So it was just work and work and work and gym.

And I went back to work on a Saturday. And that day, Samuel needed to visit the dentist to get his tooth extracted. While he was in the dentist, i was in the office clearing work. I had really felt like the worst mother ever... i hate it when i feel lousy as a mother. But i told myself i needed to do this in order to enjoy ourselves fully on the coming Tuesday, which is tomorrow. It's THE day that we register Samuel in ACS. I needed to be on top of work so that i get peace of mind. Something gotta give right? But shit. It never rains but it pours. When i turn on Oracle today, i saw 3 pages of quote line items to work on. That sucks. Considering the fact that i have cleared it to a page when i left the office on Saturday evening. Not to mention emails and EBS and all that shit besides quotes. For a fleeting moment this morning, a sense of desperation swept through me and my mind just went blank. It's hard to think when i am having a flu with a sore throat and wouldn't stop sneezing. I felt desperate because tomorrow is a very important day to us and I am nothing near "on top of work" despite trying hard. I went from desperation to my mind going blank and to anger. Angry at the person who worked on a Sunday, angry that i fell sick at this time, angry with everything. 

But in my 38++ years of life experiences, i have learnt that staying calm at trying situations is more effective than panicking. So..it was on anger mode when i worked today. But i wasn't rude and I didn't take it out on anyone. It was just anger but i am fully aware of how unnecessary it was to be angry. That's the best part, talking to myself in the head - the logical reasonings and the illogical emotions fighting each other. It was just like cruise control while driving, i was really just cruising through work today, which helped cos i was very calm. I even looked the part. Can complete great, cannot too bad. I popped 2 pills to stop the flu and I'm just feeling sleepy...and angry.

Sometimes i feel like a robot, i need to complete many tasks in a day,  a week, a weekend. It's all about wearing many different hats and masks and play the juggling game. But it is a blessing to be able to juggle because it means I'm alive and healthy and useful. But i am not a robot, and i get "feel under the weather" days.. hence this cyber space of mine is such a therapeutic place. 

I am determined that tomorrow is going to be a great day. It's ACS. It's THE school..my dream school since young and Samuel is going there.

:)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  

Curiosity made me checked out NCSS web just now. And i saw Iris Lin, director or Fei Yue, on the first page again. I also just found out that Joyce and Valerene were her friends. I wonder if that could mean something..since Valerene is going to invite us to her wedding. God, are You doing anything? Anything at all?

But I felt a need to join a cell group..to get back to a spiritual family. There was a prompting but i shut it down. Because it was not convenient to attend cell every week. But i could be wrong..

23 June, 2015 - Wayang ~ part two

At some point of life,  all of us would have acted in some circumstances or situations. We act as if we are the most generous, nonchalant person around and then when we see a sign that says "Free" we would be part of the queue to collect the freebies... because "we gian ben and kiasu and we scared we miss out."

Where i work, we need to act. Act busy, act important, act tough, act weak, act most piteous, act smart, act dumb etc etc Maybe because there are about 100 employees in this office and the hit rate of the above roles are higher. If it is a small company, there will just be the odd one or two weirdos. It is funny why people behave like that... when all we need to do is get the job done, get our pay at the end of the month and the company sales grow healthily. But, sometimes it is necessary to wayang a bit, 人在江湖，身不由己

Let's talk about the unfair treatment. Some people are either just born lucky with a pretty face/handsome face, find an "umbrella" as in a leaning mountain (literally translated from Mandarin), and the world is their oyster. I guess that's life, when you are in the right place, right time, right opportunity. Wham! Jackpot!

I've met my fair share of bad leaders. I've been told "hey, I'm sorry i can't promote you since you want to take all 4 months of your maternity leave". Ouch, and on the same note, informed me that i need to be prepared that this job won't be around after my maternity leave because the whole team is shifting to Penang. Did i mention she told me this when she herself just came back from her maternity leave and we had to cover her share of work while she is at home looking after baby. Not to mention i work at night on days that i took leave to accompany my dad for chemotheraphy. This was the same lady who told me i need to position myself to look very busy and make sure everyone sees it. See, i need to act. Act super duper busy and make sure there are audiences.

The next leader after is a nice guy who is so nice, he confuses me at times. Just like Liu Bei. You know Liu Bei is talking shit when he said his son does not deserves to be saved from the enemies by his general because it endangered the life of his precious general. Which parent would wish for the death of his/her own child?? So you know he talked shit. I know beneath that kind demeanour is a pretence to look safe and harmless and be liked by all so that he can get information and get by, i can't help thinking he is a nice guy..which he is. And the rest of the team adores him..but it's so hard to dislike him. I need to act like i don't know he is pretending.

Then there is the alcoholic leader. Who called me in the middle of the night to get the quotes out just because i was replying emails and he happened to receive it in his blackberry while he was half drunk picking up girls in Zouk! And who expects me to pay for his cab to customer's place. Duh! I need to act civil with him when sometimes i would like to smack his head.

Another one is the act amitabha-beware-of-karma type of shit leader. This is the political one..who wants to dictate who i can speak to or who i cannot speak to. And gives me dirty looks if i "betray" him for talking to his enemies. He imagined those enemies i think.. My anger for him has turned to pity because the way he carry himself is not exactly aligned with all the life quotes he posts on FB.

I wish i can be a house cat minus the guilt.

And today, it's day 2 that we need to act like we are so enthusiastic about having the 3 Presidents of this company. We clapped, stood by cubicles, smiled as wide as we can. This is really cheena bongster behaviour. I realised companies ran by the Taiwanese, the Chinese, the Hong Kongers are like that.  Rubes said Agilent didn't have to do this when they had presidents visiting. It's call coffee talk and staff are ENCOUARAGED to join.  But we..we do it big. We renovate part of the office, repainted some of the walls blue, hide all food from our tables and the guys had to wear blazers in this sweltering heat, and the central air-con in our office is not fantastically cold. And we have scripted questions to be asked during Q&A. And we have the lion dance. The last time i felt like i worked in a KTV sort of company was when i was asked to entertain an old Taiwanese man in F/R. I refused and the rest was history.

I am not gripping but I'm sharing my amusement :) I work in an interesting place, a robust environment. Where angels lurk in corners and makes my day brighter and happier while I'm at work.  Now and then i get to watch some scenes and be amused.

I felt drained, because i couldn't deal with so much pretence in 2 days..and the price increase..shit thing, i have a phobia because this price increase has made me lost a lot the last 2 times.. but i read some articles about Mr Lee Kuan Yew and felt very inspired and stronger. Exercises help too.

And Rubes's car had to be towed away on Mon at my mum's place. I enjoyed talking to the tow truck uncle. He told me how the whole thing works, including the mechanism of the tow truck. It made me feel sort of happy hahaha Sorry Rubes, that your white knight has to be towed away and i gained a lesson on how to tow cars hahaha

11 June, 2015 - The 40 year old virgin

There is this woman in my office, who is 40 this year, i think this month to be exact. And i'm quite sure she is a virgin. We were those hi, bye, smile smile, how's the weather type of colleagues. And out of the blue, one day, she seemed to morph into a different person and started to give me those quick smile like those "i-see-a-face-i-force-a-smile" type of smile. After a few attempts of smiling sincerely back and getting snubbed, screw it. I ignore her whenever i see her. Let's call her GAP.

And this guy, ACSian let slipped today that she pretty much dislike most women in the office. People like her makes the air stale in the office. I think she dislike me and xiao mei because we made LK a prettier lady. She has this on going feud with LK. This is so childish. It is two different matters altogether. I'm beginning to think women who worked in Achieva for too long are all weirdos.

Anyway, i have this thought today. If a woman turns 40 and is still a virgin, and still harbour hopes of getting attached unsuccessfully, she will probably become a bitter woman. Even pandas who do not procreate easily as other animals, would have had sex at some point of their panda lives. 

GAP probably does not realised she has issues, on the contrary, she probably thinks she is far superior and prettier then us mere mortals. She is not ugly but she is weird. I think that's probably why she is not attached. I feel like telling her "if you want a boyfriend, upgrade to a nicer character. Or at least not be such a cheena bongster AUNTIE. I was mad at her, now I'm curious.

So which brings me back to...are single, virgin women all weirdos? It's a vicious cycle, wanting to get a man but behaving in all possible ways that turn men off. Then turning weird because no love, no sex and no companion.

But if GAP has got the right mindset, she would probably have been a happier woman, attracting the right attention and gaining friends. And most of all, not feel lonely even if she is single.

GAP, i hope you find a guy who completes you and you turn normal. 

9 June, 2015 - Curiousity will kill the housecat

“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.”

I thought about the people who came into my life at some point of time and then poof, disappeared without a trace. People like Baoyu and Anna, who were the "bad ones" who taught me lessons. And there are people who walked in and connected because we were at the right time at the right place. And we drifted apart..just because. People like Lynn, Jeremy, Han, Steven..just to name a few. These people didn't disappear, we are just at different stage of our lives. 

Baoyu and Anna have a few things in common and the list seems to go on.

- Low self esteem

- both teaches kids (Baoyu was a tutor while Anna is a teacher)

- good in Mandarin

- ashamed of their own family

- prone to jealousy

- hen pecked their men - control purse strings tightly

- surname Lin

- Hokkien

- self centred

- married men with birthdays in October!! Lovey dovey Libra

It's disgusting how i missed these points when i made friends with Anna. I spent time and effort being there for them at their lowest, I'm not expecting anything in return honestly. But what i got was a stab at the back and sudden disappearance. I think that's rude and i would be lying to say I'm not curious about the reason for the behaviour of both women. And how unfortunate that i have to meet this type of character twice..darn. I think i hated Baoyu because that friendship lasted more than 10 years. Thank God that the friendship with Anna lasted from her divorce til she got a new man. Now, there is no more hatred but really just curiosity. But between having them back in my life or staying curious forever, i choose the latter :)

But for every terrible people i met, there seem to be more angels around. Past and present angels..will always be angels.

One thing remains unchanged. My intense dislike for hypocrites and selfishness. Over the years and with age, i have developed a refined detector to pick up these 2 undesirable traits in people. I really do not have the patience or time to put up with fake-ness in any relationship. I would be 40 next year, and if i live to 80, that would mean I've half a lifetime left. If i don't live to 80, it means i have less than half my lifetime left. I really can't imagine living up to my 90s..so. Life is too precious to hang around people who gives us crap. 

Family is all that matters at the end of the day :) They are the characters in a book that will always be there, even when they are gone, the memories will always be important and filled with love. 

Oh I'm so sleepy..goodnite til i pen my thoughts again