11 May 2016 - Feeling Stupid.

Al***a is a shit line card.  One of the PM is clueless about what is going on and the other one is on an emotional roller coaster ride all the time.

I just heard the most absurd thing. Which is so manipulative.

I was happily pregnant after a miscarriage the year before.  And then i have to lose it again.  Indirectly because of Ms Inferiority Complex.  Al***a was going through a price increase and I didn't want her to face all the work alone because she was going through depression.  So despite the doctor's advice to be bedridden, i chose to work.. til late into the night. Because she was crazy emotionally at that time and she took it out on me, most probably unconsciously and unintentionally.  (But i take responsibility for not heeding the doctor's advice too) I never told her she contributed to my stress because i didn't want to hurt her with guilt.  It was only recently when i talked about the miscarriage that i found out from Siyun about something that bothered me. While i was on hospital leave, Ms Inferiority Complex told everyone (Kimchi, Siyun, Priscillia, Amy Woo etc etc) not to contact me so as not to upset me. She painted the picture to everyone that i was contacting no one but her.  Screw that. I was replying everyone's message EXCEPT hers.  And this behaviour meant that she was in denial and so selfishly still thinking of herself.  It is more important to let everyone think she is my only source of contact because we are so close than to let anyone show me some concern. Maybe because of guilt.  But this is so selfish.

She must have realised she was going through some sort of craziness at that time. Because once I'm back to work, she went to Beijing to work for a week.  And when she is back from Beijing, she took sick leave for a week.. for being mentally unsound.  No kidding. She said so herself. She said she was vomiting water and losing appetite.  What a loser.  And i was actually encouraging her to be strong.  I was the one who should be feeling depressed after a second loss.  I almost hate myself for being so stupid for a fleeting moment.

Ms Inferiority Complex is like a bottomless pit, never satisfied, never confident, always feeling inferior, always jealous and most of all..never grateful.  I realised i wanted to help her find confidence and be strong not because i see her as a friend.  She will never make it to be my friend based on my criteria.  Just pity.  And a firm belief that everyone should love themselves.  That's why i feel a need to take care of her.  But for how long?

But then again, i do not feel bitterness..the truth hurts but it also sets me free. I know how i should deal with her more effectively now.  I need to be sure i do not get suck in to the black hole of her depression or anxiety attacks.

Life is colourful and it actually makes me a better person than myself yesterday because these people are walking around for me to observe. It teaches me how to be a better human being.

8 May 2016 - Mother's Day

Today is Mother's day and it's the 7th year that i celebrate this day as a mother myself.

I messaged Jervis during lunch time to ask if everyone is available for dinner tonight and he told me our mother is throwing a tantrum. Felt xianz the moment i hear that. It has been so many years but somehow my mum's temper and black face always affect me. I do not understand why is my mother always so unhappy with life. I have never seen her truly happy since i was a child. Her mood swings were frequent and she always took it out on me. I used to think marriage and family took its toil on her. We were her burden. I was aware of this the day she said she wanted to divorce my dad and she only wanted Jervis..the youngest. But deep in my heart, i knew she loves Jervoise and me as well. I just did.

Anyway, we went ahead to mum's place for dinner. We bought food from a tze char stall in Bedok Reservoir and I was looking forward to a joyous dinner. There were sweet and sour meat, nai bai, chicken wings, ginger sliced fish, prawn balls, pork ribs, pork strips, sze chuan vegetables and eggs. Yummy right. My mum sat at the other end of the table and Jfk passed her the eggs. She replied "i don't eat eggs". After 5mins, she stood up and reached for the eggs.  If Jfk was livid, he didn't show it at the dinner table.

I felt caught in between my mum and my husband. It hurts every time we quarrel about each other's family. Over the years, i have learnt to deal with it. But it does hurt me. I am not immune to hurt and pain but i choose not to let it affect me in any way. I want to be happy and i really believe that life is too precious to waste it feeling negative.

I love you Mummy.

Happy Mother's Day to all!

25 April 2016 - When weariness hits

I feel so weary. I cried last night, for no apparent reasons. I just felt like it and i did.

I felt tired having to juggle so many things at a time. 3 sets of families, but nothing i do is enough for JFK. It almost seems as if he is pushing my limits to see how far it can go. Every little things upset him. I am tired of the way we communicate..if it even count as communicating. We are just going through the routines of life. What is expected of us. Where we need to be. Who we need to meet up with. The responsibilities that we need to fulfil.

I want to make this selfish statement: I wish i can drop everything, including my mobile phone, and do what i want to do.  For many days. To re-charge. It is so simple. I want to watch a movie of my choice, eat alone in the middle of CBD area and watch people rushing about with their lives while i sit at a cafe with a cup of coffee. Just watching and relaxing. I want to have dinner at a Korean restaurant eating bbq meat. I want to go to a karaoke joint and sing my heart out and drink all the beer i can. I can if i want to. But someone or some voices in my head are always arguing with each other. Conflict of interest. Sometimes, i think I'm just weird and wired...mad.

I bet everyone makes checklists. At work, at home etc We make checklists to help us remember things. I make checklists all the time. I make a checklist of chores to be done at home and tasks that need to be completed at work. I even make a mental checklist on people. I know what works for me and what don't. I am so anal. First on my list to qualify as a friend would certainly be as real as can be. I loathe "fakeness", hypocrisy and selfishness.  Life should be as simple as can be and we should all be sincere.

Recently, things got busy. Like really busy. I think after the Chinese New Year, i have been frequently clocking in 12 hours shift. And a few Saturdays. I settle down in the office by 7.15am and start working. That would be about 1hr and 45 mins of OT at the start of day. And work seems to pile..i do not know why.  It just seem to have gotten worst. But i have been observing the work process. Sometimes, it is not the process that fail, it is the people and the different stages of the whole process.

I love life. I love people even though the ironic thing is i really like to be alone. No man is an island of his own. But it has been draining me recently and i wish i can pack my bags and disappear. Go somewhere more down to earth than materialistic Singapore.

I love Samuel. Very much. He is the only human being that i really love with all my heart. He holds the key to my sanity, to keep it all intact and be normal.  For him, i would do anything.

Anger. I got angry with Arrow for trying to control the way i use my annual leaves. I got angry with all the people who set the wrong rules and our job scope got expanded with expedites, claims, oracle issues etc etc etc all of which are not going to help make me a better person or climb any f**king corporate ladder. I got angry with the vegetables for turning yellow on the day i want to cook it. I got angry with the hot water flask for burning my hands. I got angry with the shower head for being so big. I know and I'm aware..such are irrational anger. That's the two voices talking to each other now.  Let's call them Logic the angel and Illogical the devil. Thanks to Logic, i am no where near depression.

Rules and conforming. I detest these words. I detest social norms and "politically correct" anything. But i still do it because it is necessary to do the politically correct things at home, at work, at social functions. So that no can can bite my ass and say "ha, there she goes again" Logic reminds me of this all the time.

I think so many thoughts go in and out of my head so fast, sometimes i blah things out mindlessly.  But I'm no big mouth.  I am very good at keeping secrets. Even Samuel commented that i am such a random mummy. "Mummy, how can you say this thing and you change to another thing so fast. We cannot understand you lei." Sometimes, this little boy seems remarkably intelligent to me. It is almost like God sent him to me as an anchor in my life. Solid like an Ox. An earthen Ox..no less. I feel like an airhead next to him sometimes. He is like this little solid rock, firm and strong in his opinions. I don't think he sits on the fence like his dad. I think he is a strong minded boy.

Emotional. I think i am slightly lacking in this department but the strange thing is, i can empathised with others. I can almost feel the pain, anxiety, fear, excitement, envy etc etc of others. Too much. So much so it bothers me when i can't solve their problems. Maybe I kaypoh. Thank God that i am adept at compartmentalising everything and separating my own well-being from everything toxic to my soul.  Else, i would have gone mad. I would be in IMH by now..or worst, suicidal.

I am full of contradictions...maybe because i truly believe the world is one big playground that can accommodate all sorts of "children".

Ha..beware the barren-ness of a busy life.

Such random ramblings...but i am still grateful to God and life. And being in Singapore.

Today is Edwin's birthday, God bless this man.  :)

8 January 2016 - First week of school

This week is finally over and I'm so tired. We have been waking up at 5am everyday for the whole week. Samuel starts his primary school education this week and there were 3 days of school orientation. This was really a great idea as it helped both the parents and child to settle in.

I was overwhelmed with emotions as i watched Samuel from afar. He mingled around with friends and walked back to class independently.

This is the beginning of his official education in Singapore. And I'm thankful to be able to witness it.

3 January 2016 - God inspired

School re-opens tomorrow and we are all ready but i keep thinking that I might have missed out on something and this went through my head like almost a thousand times.  Samuel is happily playing at Kellar's place, oblivious to the fact that he will be starting a new milestone tomorrow. Children are so innocent.  I watched Samuel from a distance when we were in church this morning. He was singing praises to God and enjoying himself. I hope we are bringing him up the way that God intended for him to be, and set out to fulfil the plans that God has for him.

Tweet for Thought ftom Pastor Dom:

*********************************************************************************

A very blessed New Year to you and your family! It's the first weekend of 2016;I truly believe that it's a season of new beginnings and opportunities to see God's victory in your life.

God will pour new things into our lives in 2016, but we cannot fully embrace it until we have let go of 2015 and our past. Matthew 9: 16-17 says, "No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch with pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."

Regardless of how you feel, don't stay stuck because of your reluctance to change, surrender, reposition or simply let go and let God. It's time to throw the old wineskin and let God pour new wine into new wineskins. God has put in you all that you need to push through the threshold and move forward in 2016. His Spirit is upon you. His strength, His peace, His comfort, His wisdom - He makes all of His resources available for your to breakthrough into the new things.

It's time to let go, move forward and see God's victories happening!

*********************************************************************************

Today's sermon was on prayer. We should prayer as that is a form of communication to God, our heavenly Father. I agree..prayer should not just be a way to ask things or favours from God. I am tired of thinking of aliens and science..i will convince Jfk to join a family cell so that we can grow spiritually. Be that God centred family we should be..and honour God for blessing us with Samuel. 

2 January 2016 - Gossips and delusional acceptance

We went for dinner with Jfk's family today to celebrate his niece, Jasmin's birthday. And during dinner, Jasmin asked Jfk how was the Legoland trip with my mother *wink*. The look on Jasmin's face told me that her Nai Nai has said horrible things of my mother to her and she said Nai Nai has told her all about my mother bla bla bla. Well, Jfk had complained to my mother-in-law about my mum, once. That my mum can be quite difficult to get along with and sort of gives in to Samuel most times and she nags..alot. And Jasmin said Nai Nai talked to her for almost 2 hours in the hotel room in Genting while her parents went to the casino.

I really find it harder and harder to love someone like my mother-in-law. Or respect, for that matter. She really has no business to bad mouth my mother to Jasmin of all people. What did my mum do to warrant this? I cannot understand why is there a need for her to gossip about anyone and everyone. The whole time during dinner, i tried to think of a reason or circumstances that could lead to her talking bad about my mum to Jasmin. To find justification. None.

In her own words, everyone "eat shit" (in teochew) Don't she understand that gossip is like a boomerang that will come back full circle to the person who threw it? I mean at her age? All the time she will try to pry me about Jervoise's marriage to "that Mongolian",  perhaps hoping that i have something bad to say and she can use this juicy piece of story to act as a great conversation piece to another group of people. Anyway, I'm always very cautious with her questions. My instincts on a person's character seldom fail me and I always reply her with "they are doing great, thank you for asking." You know the difference when someone ask out of concern or someone ask out of kaypoh-ness.

Anyway, i was really seething with anger while eating my fish and chips at Swensons. I wanted to walk up to her and tell her off. But i didn't. I needed a plan on how to deal with her behaviour. It was getting extremely hard to look her in the eye without disdain, so i avoided looking at her altogether.

I realised that she has this thought of herself being righteous, straight forward, well-liked, easy going and may i say adventurous. But the number of people i heard her complained about and fell out with, well..  She likes to be in control, albeit subtle way. And is certainly not as straight forward as me. So because she thinks she is that perfect person that she is, it is always someone else's fault..regardless. That's what i call delusional acceptance. "I accept that i am a person without flaws, therefore there is no need for me to improve, i accept that this IS me and the best IS already here". That's under a delusion..in my opinion. And unfortunately..that would mean no improvement and growth as a person.

Gossiping is also an insecure behaviour. Putting others down to feel superior because "I'm DA BEST" haha And I'm not so angry with her today because i accept that gossiping about everyone and anyone is a character flaw driven from a rather small heart cum small mind. That is enough reason to garner sympathy from me instead of anger. Also, i cannot be selfish, i need to look at the big picture and maintain harmony in the family. I need to teach proper family values to Samuel,  therefore, i will let this slide. No one is perfect and I'm guilty of gossiping too.

I do have this feeling that I'm pyscho-ing myself to let go and stay calm lol

31 December 2015 - Last day of 2015

December had been hectic. It is my favourite month, next to November. This is the time of the year where people are more relaxed and Christmas trees spring up everywhere. Orchard road is lighted up in neon lights and stars are hanging on lamp posts. People are buying presents and there are many gift papers in lovely designs. Everything is so dreamy and cheerful.

And so Winnie rang me up in November to ask if i could volunteer to be part of the make up team for our church's Christmas's production . I agreed..almost immediately. This was the closest i can get to serving God. Because i am not with any cell groups, not a celebration host, car park warden or Sunday school teacher.  Besides this year, Mr Brown was taking part in the play as well. This would be the second time that we are working together in the same production. And so, there were rehearsals and 3 days of working on the production. I woke up at 5am on Christmas day and reported to the backstage at 6am, worked through the almost the whole day. When it all ended, i felt tired but fulfilled. I was given a MC on the 23 December to go for a Xray for this persistent cough. But i went ahead to work because it wouldn't be right to be on MC for work and report to church to serve God at 4pm. So.. i missed that Xray. 

As i am approaching my 40th birthday soon, i think i might have mid life crisis. I got emotional on the last day of Samuel's pre-school. I got emotional just thinking that it meant my mum will not be able to pick up Samuel and me after work, it also meant our dabao-ing days are over. We had the same routine for almost 5 years. And now, as a new chapter begins, we will have to find a different set of routine. I can see mum miss Samuel already. She gave him extra hugs whenever possible now. Everyday after work, she look forward to picking Samuel from church and then me. We will then decide where to get dinner for the whole family..Siglap, Bedok Reservoir, Bedok Central, Bedok mall, Bedok Point, Chai Chee, Bedok South and 110. Pasta Mania on special days and accompanying mum to buy clothes on some Fridays. I feel sad as i write this. 

I took leave from 4 Jan to 6 Jan to prepare for school. Samuel starts his primary school education and i have anxiety attacks. But if we won't be having anymore kids, this would be a momentous time for us. i want us to be there for him, in this new milestone. To be able to enjoy packing stuff for the first day of primary one, buying school uniforms, school shoes, socks, bag, books etc  While we were in Malaysia, I received a message from Edwin asking me if he could now reject the leave and if i need to be involved for all 3 days of school orientation. I was not amused and i was actually saddened by it. Maybe no matter how much i do or how hard i try, i will always be one of the scumbags. I took leave to spend more time with Samuel and be away from work, instead of going on a vacation. I thought that was a decent thing to do as his mother. To be there.

Looking for fulfilment and at 40, i do not know what else can i do... but i do know that when there is a will, there is a way. Always.

Happy New Year everyone. Have a blast.