18 April 2015 - Father-in-law's birthday

We went for dinner at Char in Guillemard Road to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday. The char siew is very nice and it sort of melts in your mouth.  Yea yea watch that waist really..  :(  After dinner, we shop in One KM. There was a line dance performance by old folks and it was quite entertaining. I would like to do that when I retire, to pass time and keep fit. Window shopping for me became shopping when i bought a pair of exercise pants and a t-shirt from Adidas. I'm very serious about getting into some form of exercises one way or another. I need to lose a lot of weight to look what i used to look like. Arrrggghhh

Sharon baked a birthday cake, a strawberry and blueberry rainbow cake. It was delicious. When the family gets together and there are laughter, it's such a joy. Even though it was boisterous, with Sharon shouting at the 2 boys, Marvin raising his voice at the 2 boys, father-in-law scolding the 2 boys, it was still a joy. And i would like to say, it is always the TWO BOYS, Samuel and Benjamin. Running around, jumping about and arguing all the time.

Sometimes, i miss my dad. We used to celebrate his birthday on 25 Feb, my family would get together for dinner and end off with a birthday cake too. Things happen and we deal with what life gives us.

If only i can donate fat like how people donate blood. How nice and convenient that would be.

When i turn 40, i was thinking of getting the bunions removed or should i get my first cosmetic surgery on my eye lids to get abit of a deep set eyes?

17 April 2015 - Friday Night

Once upon a time, friday nights were filled with anticipation on where to go for a party, big or small. Dressing up to go somewhere after a hard day's work was reason enough to look forward to work on thursday night.  Some friday nights were spent catching midnight movies with Jfk or going to JB for a massage in the wee hours. Some fridays were with my bak bak sistas, Rubes and Viv, having dinner happily. Some fridays were spent with Edwin and Sean.

Age has been catching up. Either that or I became so unfit due to the lack of exercise. Or worst, both reasons haha But the thought of a party is no longer as enticing as it was before. Though the drinking part is till a favourite pastime. These days, i prefer sitting down sipping wine where i can have a decent conversation and not have to shout to say something because of loud music.

Tonight, Jfk fetched both Samuel and me. Dinner was settled at a coffee shop at Siglap. Nothing fanciful, char siew rice and mixed vegetable rice. But the feeling was great. It felt good to sit at the corner of the coffee shop surrounded by aunties (i am an auntie too), uncles, 2 chio bu(s) and a bunch of JC boys.  And the birds were flying around a nearby tree chirping away loudly. This is really "gong jiao wei" literally. After dinner, all of of us went to the clinic for different reasons. Then it's time to go home. It is indeed a blessing to be healthy and alive to spend time with our loved ones.

Samuel changed me. Much as I teach him as his mother, he taught me not to fret the small stuff in life. Now and then, he would sprout out some words of wisdom, which is of cos unknown to him that those were wise words haha  He taught me how to enjoy the company of our extended family, he taught me that everyone was equal in the eyes of children. He showed me the kampong spirit by insisting that we keep the main door and gate open so that he can go over to our neighbour's place to play, and them to come over ours.  His little eyes are filled with love, hope and kindness, in a world where it is easy to become jaded and cynical. Simple joys of life is watching him eat his favourite pasta as if that was the best food in the world. He does not understand the difference in value of a meal in a restaurant and a hawker center yet. The only difference to him now is "got air con or not?" His concept of happiness is very simple, just like how it should be even for adults. Daddy and mummy by his side, eat his favourite food, play with anyone who would play with him, play his favourite toy and stay very curious about what is going on around him. Such as why did the pigeon pooped in our window? Why are there pamphlets on the floor? Why the lift is like that? Why I need to go to school? Why is Lucas shorter than me? Why you know more words than me? Why i need to do this? etc etc

Quite a number of terrible things happened recently, homo sapiens are creatures that are complex and sometimes dangerous. But there are always the nicer ones just round the corner, if we bother to look around carefully.

Everything happens for a reason indeed and there is a season for every change. I think I'm over the "champion grumbling" that i have been feeling for weeks.

I feel very blessed, and tonight, it became clearer to me again. Thanks for the reminder.

1 April 2015 - April fools day

April Fools day and i feel like a fool.

I have been feeling tired lately. I imagined that i might be pregnant because pregnancies make a woman very tired uncontrollably. But i am definitely not pregnant.  Perhaps it is because of the responsibilities in life and routines to follow? Chores to do around the HDB apartment. Fulfilling family and friends obligations like buying dinner, outings, chatting, tuition etc.  Basically it just means hanging around. 

And then the guilt kicks in because i am aware that i am blessed. Why, then, am i feeling this way. It almost feel like a cardinal sin to gripe about being tired. And when i mean tired, i am not sure if i am mentally tired. But i am sure i am physically tired because i fall asleep in the sofa and in the car nowadays. Which brings disgust to myself because it is not as if i lead a very active lifestyle. 

So.. its a struggle within myself. About the right to feel tired inside out.

Today marks my 8th year in this company. It's the only job that i have ever worked so long in a company. But 8 years in the same role makes me seem like a loser. If i have wore tinted glasses in the past, that must be the only reason why i could tolerate the nonsense that people gave me. I carry my magnifying glass now. And it is one of those "x10 enlarge" type of magnifying glass. I can see the flaws so big and clear that i really find no reason to partake in any sort of yakking. To the ones who are generally nice people, i make an effort to be polite and chat. This magnifying glass helps me to suss out all the hypocrites, loud, selfish, boastful ones and in the process make me lose faith in human beings. Or at least some human beings. I really hate it that some women use flirting (mild flirt, big flirt) to get the men to do things, or get away with things. But this is how the world works. And some suckers just fall for it. 

Fear stops me from quitting without a job. I have unintentionally tied my self-worth-being-employed to a job. I do not mean it as the job makes me feel worthy as a person, i have no issues with my own confidence. But in a society where unemployment is fawn upon, especially now that the retirement age has went up, i feel "normal" to have a job. Shit, i hate the whole sentence because it makes me see that i have allowed myself to be subjected to conforming to social standards.

I have been wondering of this is an onset of mild depression. But if it is, why am i aware of it? Isn't it supposed to hit you when you least expected it and leave you in denial?

But I'm so tired i really have no desire to do anything at all. I just want to space out for as long as i can. 

It can only get better. I will sort it out one way or another. NEVER FEAR.

Mr Lee Kuan Yew was such an inspiring person. "Self-confidence, jaunty"

23 March 2015 - Thank you Mr Lee Kuan Yew

Thank you, our founding father of modern Singapore. Without your endless passion to build a better Singapore, we will not be able to stand tall and proud and say "I am a Singaporean."

R.I.P

15 March 2015 - Random ramblings

Today would have been the deadline to secure a job placement in order to qualify for the social work program. And AMK has not got back to me.

The feeling i have towards God now is exactly the same when i lost Joshua and Matthew. I was pregnant... twice after Samuel. I was happy and excited at being a mother again. And I lost it all. Again. And again. Both pregnancies brought me happiness for weeks. And then misery for months. I got over it but i will never forget the pain. Miscarriage almost seemed like a dirty word to me.

If i didn't hear wrongly, God said obey and take this leap of faith. I did. I jumped in with anticipation, went through the whole process beginning from Nov 2014, went through two rounds of formal interviews. Hopeful and excited from November 2014 til now, March 2015. And BANG. I wonder what did i do wrong, or what did i not do. Same as how i felt for both pregnancies. Why?

Yes God, i am angry with you. I can't help it but yes i am angry. I have no right to be and I'm sorry for that. I still count my blessings and am contented with what i have now. But I am angry because i feel like a fool and a failure. "Feel" in present tense because i am still feeling like a fool who is a failure now. It is not your fault but mine. For having so little faith.

Whenever things like these happen, nothing seemed to change exteriorly but something did inside of me. My heart has changed, my thoughts too. Are you trying to stretch my patience in order to mould me?

I heard the devil mock me, saying "if your God is so almighty, ask Him to help you." (i am not a crazy bitch who is schizophrenic. My spiritual parent said the devil used voices to communicate with me) Yes..i am dark enough to hear from the devil. It sounds out of this world to say this.. even to my own ears. (i am really not crazy, please be assured that there are people who really do hear from the devil, in other ways) JFK thinks it's just a little voice in my head. Haha a man's little voice in my head? He a cynic who finds it hard to believe that there are 101 things that can happen in a spiritual world.. coming from a man who does not really believe that goodness in mankind still exists. Ironically, he also remains the naive and kinder one, between us. I hate the devil.

Thank you for giving me a very positive, optimistic and pragmatic nature. These help a lot, to survive.

I need to re-adjust myself to adjust to what i already am doing before you drop the "leap of faith" on my laps a few months back.

Nonetheless, forgive me if i have been ungrateful. And thank You for all that has/has not happen. Thank You for keeping us all alive. Good night world.

12 March 2015 - Waiting is...

Been awhile since i last updated my blog. Chinese New Year came and went, in a flash.  I went for the second interview and I am still waiting for AMK family centre to call me...hopefully.  Since that interview, i have been incessantly checking my emails and phone. Many thoughts came to my mind. Many what ifs. What if i didn't do well in the interview, what if they didn't like me that day. What if I wore the wrong set of clothes. What if I was too honest. What if I was too nervous. What ifs. What ifs.

I dislike myself for being so nervous waiting. I had prayed that God will open doors if He deemed fit. Close doors if it is not the one. I should surrender the results to Him, instead of wondering everyday. 15 March is the deadline to get hired by one of these organisations before I can proceed to submit my application to study in UNISIM.  Despte the anxiety, I know that this is an added bonus in my life. Since if Yan hasn't let me know about the whole programme but cutting that newspaper clip, I wouldn't have went through the whole process since last Nov. So life is still great technically speaking. Continue to work, get paid, live the life that i have already became so familiar and accustomed to. Try to have another baby.

The only difference is, my heart has changed. Period.

I no longer see anyone in this company as people I have worked together with for almost 8 years as "families". In  fact i seemed to have grown detached from many people by choice. It is almost like i no longer see a need to even just smile and say hi. Even to people in the same department. Screw formalities. I'm not sure if I'm being a prick and rude but I'm certainly following my heart. I find all these yakking among colleagues so meaningless. I really can't find any reason why I should bother to make small talk at all. Not one single reason, most practical reason i can think of is because i should try not to be rude. Hence smile and talk. How's the weather, how are you, nice dress, great hair, nice watch blah blah blah. But the thought of it makes me tired already.

Good night world. Tomorrow, life goes on, thank You God for keeping me and my family alive.  :)

2 February, 2015 - The very important interview

Today is it. If I'm successful in securing a second interview after this first round, it would be another milestone. Very nervous but more excited. If this is the plan for me, God will be with me and open doors. If it is not, He will also be there to guide me, and it would be an experience I treasure.

A social worker is something that is so different from my past work experiences. But when i think of the path that i want to embark on, it makes me feel alive and gives work a new meaning.

Jfk and me took leave today and while i am preparing for what to expect later, i pray also that everything will be fine. He will be sending me there, bless this man :)

Dear God,
I ask for peace, wisdom and strength to handle whatever comes my way. Please guide me to make the right choices, choices that are in accordance with Your plans for me. I surrender all to You, Amen.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.