I got curious about John Lennon and his love for his wife this weekend. He was assassinated on the 8th Dec 1980 and Yoko saw him fell down onto the floor after getting shot. Five shots, to be exact. He was 40 when he died, the moment a famous person died uneventfully, he/she is almost immediately immortalised. Which is strange because people die all the time, everyday.
He was part of the Beatles and they were one big band back in those days. The Beatles fans didn't like Yoko because they thought she broke up the band. But I think he was the one who was obsessed with her. He brought her everywhere and he constantly wants her by his side. Plus, he was as asshole. I read somewhere that he made fun of disabled people and dig at his fellow band mates whenever possible.
Anyways..why do most artistic people have warped characters?
Let it be..let it be, let it be oh let it be.. Let it go, let it go...OOPS
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
9 December 2015 - Mid life crisis?
40 is a big number to me where i am now. It's mid life if i live up to 80. And if i don't, i do not have many years 10 years left.
What memories did i create for myself in my teens, 20s and 30s? I spent most of my early 20s working with 2 bitches, Cecilia and Catherine. And a horny bastard. But no regrets, else i wouldn't have been exposed to the colourful world of doing business in China. It is addictive, if one has no self control. And of cos dating with my then boyfriend. Boyfriend sounds like a younger word than husband. Saving up to buy our own place and our own car. Having a job meant having money to spend on drinking, eating and making myself look "nerd free". A job was just that, a money making machine to finance my "live in the moment' type of life.
30s was discovering and accepting that I'm just that. Dad died from cancer. Family ties. Motherhood. Love. Miscarriages. Weddings. Birth. Death. Cancer. People can actually just drop dead on any other day. These are some major events, i didn't mention the many happiness that i have. Maybe if i mention it, devil would read it because he is hovering above my laptop floating around. He might think this girl has too much happiness on her plate and he will come and kill, steal and destroy. F**k devil.
40-ing soon. No more babies. No one understands how i feel. I hate to hear "aiya bla bla bla"
40-ing soon. No more babies. No one understands how i feel. I hate to hear "aiya bla bla bla"
This is a bad entry, it's all over the place. The thoughts are all in my head but i can't express them out in order. Properly. And I'm feeling weird now, that's for sure.
If i have a choice, i would pack my bags and go London to get away from it all..oh with Jfk and Sam. I do not even know what is that "all". Or the easier alternative is to hole up at home and hide for a week or 2. At least there is lower risk of me getting killed by terrorists while travelling. Is this better than choosing a mask to wear everyday? A happy mask, a happier mask, a talkative mask, a friendly mask, a oh-i-am-so-excited mask, a nice and sweet mask. There are many people i wish i can throw a plate of spaghetti over their head, spicy ones like Aglio Olio so that their eyes will sting from chilli or pepper but i act smiley smiley and maintain a cordial front. I am so bloody fake.
Small... i am.
Small... i am.
Oh how i love the Beatles. And everything British.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
28 October 2015 - Emo
Today was one of those day that i felt emotional at work. I was being cornered by people who tried to tai-ji. I hate the feeling of being cornered to do the tasks that other people refused to even try. If you are able to lift your finger and make an effort to they to make the whole process a better one, and help someone, why won't you try? I felt angry. People can be so selfish and senseless. So..i wrote out a few harsh emails, direct and it sounded angry. But i cannot deal with such selfish attitudes and i started to draw boundaries with all the stupid assholes. The terrible behaviour of showing me selfishness made my chest became tight cos i was overwhelmed with anger and exasperation. Boundaries made me feel balanced.
I was restless. And for a moment, i miss Sean. Lunch escapades to nice food and more nice food. Talk nonsense and laugh. The gentle demeanour. On the last week of his notice period, i told him i will miss him. And he said "I'm just a few blocks away from you". He meant it literally.
At this moment on my bed, i willed myself to cry. By thinking of Matthew and Joshua, and how bad my life would be if i lose my family. Crying releases all the pent up negative emotions and cleanses the soul. An hour ago, Samuel has trouble falling asleep and he started crying and said "i keep on crying, it's a sad day today" hahaha Talk about being connected.
I really should sleep now.
I was restless. And for a moment, i miss Sean. Lunch escapades to nice food and more nice food. Talk nonsense and laugh. The gentle demeanour. On the last week of his notice period, i told him i will miss him. And he said "I'm just a few blocks away from you". He meant it literally.
At this moment on my bed, i willed myself to cry. By thinking of Matthew and Joshua, and how bad my life would be if i lose my family. Crying releases all the pent up negative emotions and cleanses the soul. An hour ago, Samuel has trouble falling asleep and he started crying and said "i keep on crying, it's a sad day today" hahaha Talk about being connected.
I really should sleep now.
Random Thoughts
This post is very late. We have since bought a new washing machine. :)
We went to the 24 hours laundry shop in Hougang this afternoon again. There are 3 washing machines for laundries up to 11kg and 3 other washing machines for laundries up to 17kg. At the other corner, there are 6 dryers. There is a row of chairs just opposite the washing machines. There is a ceiling fan, a wall mounted fan, 2 small tables, clothes baskets and a coin dispenser.
We went to the 24 hours laundry shop in Hougang this afternoon again. There are 3 washing machines for laundries up to 11kg and 3 other washing machines for laundries up to 17kg. At the other corner, there are 6 dryers. There is a row of chairs just opposite the washing machines. There is a ceiling fan, a wall mounted fan, 2 small tables, clothes baskets and a coin dispenser.
We were here last Saturday after the elections on Friday. I'm not sure if i had been sensitive but the atmosphere seemed sombre haha After all, the Worker's Party didn't win big in Hougang this time round.
Sitting in the laundry shop makes me feel more down to earth somehow. I like to sit and stare at the washing machine. Sssuuuusshhhing away, washing our clothes. People walk in and out of the shop. I wonder where do they live, what do they do for a living, what will they do after doing the laundry etc.
In the laundry shop, i can stone. Basically we are stuck at that area to do nothing except to wash our laundry and have lunch. I feel awesome to be able to walk from our car to the laundry shop carrying our big bag of laundry. It reminds me that we are alive and together as a family. We are able to make the choice of having lunch at the coffeeshop with Samuel..before he grows up and lead a life of his own. Time waits for no one.
Sitting in the laundry shop makes me feel more down to earth somehow. I like to sit and stare at the washing machine. Sssuuuusshhhing away, washing our clothes. People walk in and out of the shop. I wonder where do they live, what do they do for a living, what will they do after doing the laundry etc.
In the laundry shop, i can stone. Basically we are stuck at that area to do nothing except to wash our laundry and have lunch. I feel awesome to be able to walk from our car to the laundry shop carrying our big bag of laundry. It reminds me that we are alive and together as a family. We are able to make the choice of having lunch at the coffeeshop with Samuel..before he grows up and lead a life of his own. Time waits for no one.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
24 August, 2015 - Life..as it is
Life is like a gift, we never know what is inside unless we open it.
We just got back from a family trip to KL yesterday evening and I must say, it had been a really much awaited trip together as a family...my family. It is not easy to get both Jervoise and Jervis to travel together because both have very different habits when it comes to traveling. The last trip together was to Malacca and that was almost 3 years ago.
I saw a mother carrying a baby, about 3 months old, sitting by the roadside begging for money. The baby, wrapped in a piece of dirty linen, was fast asleep on the mother's lap. Which mother would carry her newborn begging on a polluted street unless she was being driven to desperation. I have wondered, for a split second, if that was even her baby, or was she just part of a syndicate. But i felt sadness in my heart. Sad that there were people who lived in abundance and not counting their blessings and on the other spectrum, people were suffering and dying from hunger due to poverty.
Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression. I used too think that only losers get these. Because they have not been strong and because they allowed their negative state of mind to take control of themselves. This weekend, i came to my own conclusion that perhaps it is not the weaker human beings that could come under such attacks, these are some sort of mental sicknesses that cannot be controlled. These people need medication.
But after seeing all the beggars on the streets of KL, i have second thoughts. What if these people who have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression live in such conditions? Living in hunger, with no shelter, no money, no hope, no tomorrow. If you live in hunger everyday, would you still care for attention for vanity reasons, fear of losing precious love ones or items, sense of insecurity etc? Perhaps not. There will be different other worries such as "when would the next meal be?" etc. Because you don't own anything you won't have the fear of losing anything. Perhaps the only fear would be losing one's life. It is really with anger when i typed these words. Because if you think life is a bitch and you live in fear all the time, fear of getting hurt, fear of loss etc, it is as good as not living.
I know of someone, who is constantly under such attacks. Let's call her W. W has been under anxiety attacks leading to depression so many times that i have lost count. And i sort of suffered due to her behaviours because she is my colleague in the same team..unfortunately. W stays with her family and has a decent job. A job that probably pays well enough to put food on the table..obviously. W has irrational fears. Fears that are unfounded. Because i see W as a closer colleague (not close enough to share things about my family and close friends), i unknowingly fell victim to W's unreasonable behaviours..because i did care and in the process i subjected myself to emotional stress. And in 2013, i lost Matthew.. 2nd loss in 2 years. Of cos, i take responsibility for losing Matthew as I made the choice to prioritise work then. I am adamant about not allowing W to abuse my care this time as i am sick of her wallowing in self pity - in my words not being emotional bullied by "someone who is not mentally sound". I see a soul-less person behind W's eyes. At least, i could still see desperation and sadness in the eyes of that beggar, i saw someone defeated by fate. For W, the soul is not in that body.
Before the trip to KL, I was thinking of ways to positively influence W but now i just see W as someone who fails to see the glass as half full all the time. Jfk had depression once, but he is family and i love him enough to want to be by his side regardless. I guess i will probably still be there for W but i will need to draw the line from now on. And I have told her that i will and i am capable of dropping her like a hot potatoe if she starts her nonsense again. That was really my ultimatum. I felt instant relief after i said that :)
We just got back from a family trip to KL yesterday evening and I must say, it had been a really much awaited trip together as a family...my family. It is not easy to get both Jervoise and Jervis to travel together because both have very different habits when it comes to traveling. The last trip together was to Malacca and that was almost 3 years ago.
I saw a mother carrying a baby, about 3 months old, sitting by the roadside begging for money. The baby, wrapped in a piece of dirty linen, was fast asleep on the mother's lap. Which mother would carry her newborn begging on a polluted street unless she was being driven to desperation. I have wondered, for a split second, if that was even her baby, or was she just part of a syndicate. But i felt sadness in my heart. Sad that there were people who lived in abundance and not counting their blessings and on the other spectrum, people were suffering and dying from hunger due to poverty.
Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression. I used too think that only losers get these. Because they have not been strong and because they allowed their negative state of mind to take control of themselves. This weekend, i came to my own conclusion that perhaps it is not the weaker human beings that could come under such attacks, these are some sort of mental sicknesses that cannot be controlled. These people need medication.
But after seeing all the beggars on the streets of KL, i have second thoughts. What if these people who have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression live in such conditions? Living in hunger, with no shelter, no money, no hope, no tomorrow. If you live in hunger everyday, would you still care for attention for vanity reasons, fear of losing precious love ones or items, sense of insecurity etc? Perhaps not. There will be different other worries such as "when would the next meal be?" etc. Because you don't own anything you won't have the fear of losing anything. Perhaps the only fear would be losing one's life. It is really with anger when i typed these words. Because if you think life is a bitch and you live in fear all the time, fear of getting hurt, fear of loss etc, it is as good as not living.
I know of someone, who is constantly under such attacks. Let's call her W. W has been under anxiety attacks leading to depression so many times that i have lost count. And i sort of suffered due to her behaviours because she is my colleague in the same team..unfortunately. W stays with her family and has a decent job. A job that probably pays well enough to put food on the table..obviously. W has irrational fears. Fears that are unfounded. Because i see W as a closer colleague (not close enough to share things about my family and close friends), i unknowingly fell victim to W's unreasonable behaviours..because i did care and in the process i subjected myself to emotional stress. And in 2013, i lost Matthew.. 2nd loss in 2 years. Of cos, i take responsibility for losing Matthew as I made the choice to prioritise work then. I am adamant about not allowing W to abuse my care this time as i am sick of her wallowing in self pity - in my words not being emotional bullied by "someone who is not mentally sound". I see a soul-less person behind W's eyes. At least, i could still see desperation and sadness in the eyes of that beggar, i saw someone defeated by fate. For W, the soul is not in that body.
Before the trip to KL, I was thinking of ways to positively influence W but now i just see W as someone who fails to see the glass as half full all the time. Jfk had depression once, but he is family and i love him enough to want to be by his side regardless. I guess i will probably still be there for W but i will need to draw the line from now on. And I have told her that i will and i am capable of dropping her like a hot potatoe if she starts her nonsense again. That was really my ultimatum. I felt instant relief after i said that :)
Thursday, August 13, 2015
12 August, 2015 - SG50 National Day weekend
The long weekend is over..SG50 National Day weekend. Time flies past when we are having fun :) We went to catch the fireworks at Jervis's office. The company has catered food for staff and family members, arranged for a photo booth and also spray paint tattoo. His office has a great view of the city. We could see almost the whole of Marina Bay Sands from the conference room area.
I love Singapore. I love being a Singaporean. I love it that i can speak English, Mandarin, Hokkien and Cantonese effectively. I am proud to be part of a very successful little island led by a man with a vision. With that vision, we grew and we grew and we grew. It is so amazing what the man did to change the fate of so many people past, present and future.
So we celebrated, we felt the warmth in our heart when we sang along to Kit Chan's rendition of Home and we felt so strongly that day, here is home, truly.
And then life goes on, we went back to work and we corresponded with the Malaysians, the Thais, The Filipinos, the Burmese, the Chinese and the Hong Kongers. I am not a xenophobic but i do wish we do not have that many foreign talents crowding our country. Just saying..
Great to be born in Singapore :)
I love Singapore. I love being a Singaporean. I love it that i can speak English, Mandarin, Hokkien and Cantonese effectively. I am proud to be part of a very successful little island led by a man with a vision. With that vision, we grew and we grew and we grew. It is so amazing what the man did to change the fate of so many people past, present and future.
So we celebrated, we felt the warmth in our heart when we sang along to Kit Chan's rendition of Home and we felt so strongly that day, here is home, truly.
And then life goes on, we went back to work and we corresponded with the Malaysians, the Thais, The Filipinos, the Burmese, the Chinese and the Hong Kongers. I am not a xenophobic but i do wish we do not have that many foreign talents crowding our country. Just saying..
Great to be born in Singapore :)
Thursday, July 30, 2015
29 July, 2015 - Hospitals
Samuel had high fever over the weekend and it fluctuated between 37 degrees Celcius and 39.7 degrees Celcius. So i had to sponge him and feed him brufen and paracetamol alternately every 3 hours. And also to take his temperature. We had to do this on Friday night and Saturday night. And on Sunday, Jervoise hurt his back again..from a cough, while preparing to go to the Changi hospital to see our grandma with mum. So in the end Jfk and me sent him to Tan Tock Seng and we spent the whole afternoon sitting outside the waiting area in A&E while he gets treated. By the time we got back to mum's place, it was already 9pm. The whole time we at there, i saw almost 20 ambulances bringing people in. It is really a blessing to be healthy and alive and be able to walk, talk, breathe, eat, drink and sit.
Yesterday, i finally went to the doctor because the left side of my neck hurts. The pain started on Saturday but there was really no time to see the doctor with so many things to take care of. So i went on a Monday evening and the clinic refused to take in any more patients because it was closed, that was only 8.30 and the clinic is supposed to close only at 10pm. Damn.
And so..the doctor said it was lymph nodes that was swollen and causing the pain. I had the cough for almost a month now. And he gave me a letter to go get an X-ray. I also got some antibiotics, cough pills, logenges and flu med. And i truly thank God that yesterday and today were not busy days at work. Because i really feel tired and drowsy..and just really tired.
Jervoise picked me up from work and we went to Changi hospital to visit grandma. She was hospitalised because her red blood cells were too low. As i stared at her face, i realised my grandma has aged alot. She used to wear cheongsums when i was younger and she was tall and regal. She could cooked up a storm and make fantastic soups. So typical of a Cantonese family. It's double boiled soup for every meal. It's a must. She looks frail and...aged. There were many fine lines on her face and she was playing Facebook haha I have never been close to her because she doted on Jervoise, i was just there because. I had to eat char siew rice for lunch almost everyday after school because grandpa will buy that for us, because it was Jervoise's favourite food. I hated char siew rice. I still do, must have given me a phobia. But YeYe and MaMa would bring Jervoise and me for long bus rides. I have memories of the 4 of us taking a double decker bus and feeling happy..in those days, there were no MRT yet. And after the rides, we would walk the long road back home in Geylang. Maybe the bus rides wasn't so long and the road home is not far, but when we were kids, the world looked alot bigger :) And there were many afternoons spent in the open air playground at the top level of parkway parade. I wish we had photos to show..but there are only memories.
As i walked to the canteen in Changi hospital, it brought back memories. The last time i stepped foot in the canteen was 6 years ago, with mum and Auntie Eugenia..with Samuel in my womb. The fishes in the pond were still as big as before. Pa used to sit at the bench and stared at the fishes and of cos to sneak a smoke. There was once when both of us sat there for half an hour..in silence, just staring at the fishes. But Qi Ji is gone..and so is the open air car park. The hospital is going through some renovation to make it more enticing. Duh. It's really not the place, the doctors and nurses have to buck up. Patients really do want to have accurate diagnosis, gets admitted and DISCHARGED.
It had been an eventful week..with health issues for all. But all is well :)
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