How do one get over the pain of losing a loved one? If time can heal all wounds and pain, then time is slow.
Today is one month since papa left but the it seems as though it was just yesterday. On May 29, Friday at 5am, our cell phone rang. The nurse at the other end of the phone told us to rush down to the hospital, because Mr Chan's condition has become worst. After that call, everything was a blur. We rushed to get the car, we drove as fast as we could to the hospital, we almost had to sream at the people guarding the entrance to let us up to the intensive care unit and in the end we left our identification cards with them just to speed things up. Yet the moment we got to the entrance of papa's ward, the first thing that caught my eyes was the still oxygen bag. The oxygen bag that should have been moving was not moving..and the doctor's first words were "I am sorry, we failed to resuscitate Mr Chan." It took awhile for me to register what had just happened but when it did, we walked into the room to take a look at papa. His arms were still warm and so was his face. He looked like he was just deep in sleep and would be waking up any moment soon. I remember massaging his feet and hands..somehow hoping that the massage could jolt him out of his sleep. That whole week, after he had a fall on that fateful day on the 25th May, was a nightmare. Terms such as underlying disease, life span, tubing for life support system, not much we can do, last words, be prepared, i'm sorry, not optimistic, nothing we can do etc etc..everything that we dreaded hearing, we hear everyday. The worst decision has to be the one when we decided not to go for the tubing of life support. Jervoise was shaking my shoulders, with tears in his eyes, reminding me that "jie, no matter what happen, we will not tube papa ok? Be strong". Because the doctors told us to prepare for the worst. But how does one prepare for the worst such as this? We spent the whole week sitting outside ICU waiting..and i remembered on the night before papa passed away, Jervoise insisted on staying over at the lounge area of ICU and i insisted on staying awhile later with him. But he asked me to go home..and said "jiang zhen de, wo men zai deng shen mo?" Then it hit me that we were waiting for a miracle. Doctors have not given papa any survival chances and are we waiting for papa to recover from the spinal paralysis, the liver cancer or death? That week, Jervoise and me questioned God. Where is He when we needed Him. Has He forsaken us and our prayers?
Whenever i walked past the dinning table, the scene of papa lying on the floor, helpless and in shocked after the fall kept playing in my head. I tried lying on the same spot on the floor and tried imagining what was going on in papa's head that day. And i found myself staring at the sofa, staring at the spot near the window that papa has been occupying since the pain from the cancer caused his spine to be weaken and he could no longer sleep on his bed.
Dar and me have been staying at my parents's place for the past one month..just so that mum, Jervoise and Jervis will not feel as if the house is empty. Samuel gives us hope and anticipation to all the sadness and hurt that seem to surround the house. Throughout this all, we learnt something..when we pray, we should pray for God to take over and take control. We should pray for His will, not our will. And i believe God never forsaken us during that trying time, He answers prayer in three ways...Yes, No and Wait. At least we know papa has secured a place in heaven. And he was not in pain when he left, neither was he alone. Jesus was there to hold his hands. So the song that we sang at his wake was "I know who holds tomorrow...and i know who holds my hand..."
Samuel...we are thankful for him, he is God's gift to us. Samuel gave papa hope. For papa told my grandma that if not for Samuel, he will not go for chemotherapy. For chemotherapy was a painful process, and he was suffering from pain..Samuel gave him hope to be alive and not to jump off the apartment...until that fall. Even before he fell unconscious, papa's will to live was so strong. He wanted to go for an operation to cure the spine paralysis and then to go for the chemotherapy scheduled on Friday...not knowing that that doctors have already given up hope on him...and that Friday morning was to be a good bye. I will always remember papa anxiously asking us what did the doctor say. Because he was a strong man, who wanted so much to live and see his grandson.
Bye Papa, we will see you in heaven someday.
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