It's V-day today and i prepared dinner for the three of us. I actually enjoy cooking, the aroma of home cooked food filled the air in our living room and it makes our apartment so "homey".
This period has been a mixture of joy and sadness. I have been spending so much time at home with Samuel, it's sheer bliss. I love taking mrt and lrt rides with him. Samuel in his little blue boots, carrying his small McQueen bag scooting around in his sturdy little scooter bike. We would travel to Serangoon Nex to play at the playground, or go to Punggol Plaza to buy toys. We met up with Tenghui and Kaizer now and then too. I learnt a few cooking tips from her :) I feel really happy to be a SAHM (stay at home mum) even though i know it's only temporary..i had only a month to enjoy and the irony is that this leave from work is at the expense of losing Matthew.
It hit me today that i no longer feel pregnant.
I will start work next Monday and for some reasons, i dread it. Of cos i like the idea of getting paid a salary as it is almost impossible to keep up with our lifestyle as a single income family in Singapore. With our current dual income, we can afford to continue sending Samuel to this pricey childcare, go on holidays without dipping into our savings, dine at restaurants occasionally etc But i must stressed that we are not overly extravagant in our lifestyle. If i take up real estates or insurance, then the sky will be the limit in terms of earnings as compared to being a salaried employee. That could work..
As i think back on the past 4 weeks, i really am very happy to be at home. I feel so alive. Going out means dressing in shorts, a comfy cardigan and my favourite Havaianas slippers, armed with my mrt card. I am quite familiar with the train routes now. And taking the public transport (not during peak hours) can be therapeutic as i enjoy observing others. Observing people has been something i enjoy doing from since young.
I'm still a blessed girl.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
6 February, 2013 - Scan after D & C
I went back to the Dr Adrian's clinic on Monday for a follow up. This was traumatic for me cos when he scanned over my tummy, i can no longer see the water bag, the sac..much less any signs of baby Mathew. It was just me and my stomach on the screen. It seemed not longer ago that we saw the heartbeat flickering very quickly and surely on the same screen. I couldn't help tearing up in his clinic and asked if he was sure i could have another baby. Being a professional and very nice doctor, he said "of cos you can, don't worry"
Anyway, Jervoise was the one who sent Samuel and me to the clinic and we went to my mum's place after that. He brought Samuel out for a swim in the afternoon while i took a few peeks into some thrashy magazines by the pool.
Time will heal all pain, i find that it is now easier to talk about it then a week ago. But whenever i see pregnant women around me, i can't help feeling a tinge of pain in my heart.
This is morbid...I know at 9 weeks, it's a foetus, but it is also looking like a baby. The picture below shows the fetal development at 9 weeks.
When i think about Mr & Mrs Yap who lost their 2 sons (13 and 7 years old) in the freak accident last Monday, i cannot help thinking what i went through pales in comparison.
Indeed, we live in a fallen world, condemned by sin. And from the time of Adam and Eve, God has been benevolent to us. For He sent us his only begotten son, to redeem us. Meanwhile, while we are still living on earth, we have to, in the context of buddhism, go through 生，死，病，老. All of these cause us pain, one way or another.
I went back to the Dr Adrian's clinic on Monday for a follow up. This was traumatic for me cos when he scanned over my tummy, i can no longer see the water bag, the sac..much less any signs of baby Mathew. It was just me and my stomach on the screen. It seemed not longer ago that we saw the heartbeat flickering very quickly and surely on the same screen. I couldn't help tearing up in his clinic and asked if he was sure i could have another baby. Being a professional and very nice doctor, he said "of cos you can, don't worry"
Anyway, Jervoise was the one who sent Samuel and me to the clinic and we went to my mum's place after that. He brought Samuel out for a swim in the afternoon while i took a few peeks into some thrashy magazines by the pool.
Time will heal all pain, i find that it is now easier to talk about it then a week ago. But whenever i see pregnant women around me, i can't help feeling a tinge of pain in my heart.
This is morbid...I know at 9 weeks, it's a foetus, but it is also looking like a baby. The picture below shows the fetal development at 9 weeks.
When i think about Mr & Mrs Yap who lost their 2 sons (13 and 7 years old) in the freak accident last Monday, i cannot help thinking what i went through pales in comparison.
Indeed, we live in a fallen world, condemned by sin. And from the time of Adam and Eve, God has been benevolent to us. For He sent us his only begotten son, to redeem us. Meanwhile, while we are still living on earth, we have to, in the context of buddhism, go through 生，死，病，老. All of these cause us pain, one way or another.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
31 January, 2013 - Miscarriage
Hello blog, i miss you, my personal space online, where i can write anything i want to. You are needed today, because i want to pen down my loss...so that i can "read it visually" instead of playing it over and over in my head.
Just a week ago, last Weds, i had my first dilation and curettage done..but it's the second miscarriage in nine months. Except that this time, i know it's a boy. This week, Matthew would have been 10 weeks old. Thank God that i have a brilliant gynaecologist this time. He did a good job, so i didn't have much cramps except for the occasional bleeding. He told us baby has no heartbeat, he didn't say "you have a dead foetus inside you" unlike the previous gynaecologist.
The first time it happened last May, baby was about 6 weeks and my body aborted the pregnancy naturally. Jfk injured his shoulder and needed an operation in Mt Elizabeth, Samuel was running a viral fever and was hospitalised in East shore. I needed to go Thomson to see the gynaecologist. Rushing to 3 hospitals in a week left me with not much time to grieve. Everything happened in such a rushing manner i had no time to think about what was going on. I simply deal with it mechanically, in the most logical way that i can.
Life sometimes send us the unexpected and disrupts our daily routine. I realised that it's easy to say "be strong" and dish out all kinds of positive comments to "snap out of it" quickly...but time heals all wound and time is also needed to grieve and have a moment of silence.
Found this poem, so beautiful
An Angel Never Dies (Author unknown)
Don’t let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold It doesn't mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
As for now, i found a push factor to do something different. I want to go into counselling. First, i need a certificate in that sort of stuff. And so i visited a school of counselling yesterday afternoon and am now looking into all possibilities to help me help myself..
Someday, somewhere, somehow, something's gotta change.
Dear God, please guide me if you already know what i am seeking in the deepest recesses of my heart.
"seek ye first his kingdom, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
Thank You,
Humbly housecat-wannabe
Just a week ago, last Weds, i had my first dilation and curettage done..but it's the second miscarriage in nine months. Except that this time, i know it's a boy. This week, Matthew would have been 10 weeks old. Thank God that i have a brilliant gynaecologist this time. He did a good job, so i didn't have much cramps except for the occasional bleeding. He told us baby has no heartbeat, he didn't say "you have a dead foetus inside you" unlike the previous gynaecologist.
The first time it happened last May, baby was about 6 weeks and my body aborted the pregnancy naturally. Jfk injured his shoulder and needed an operation in Mt Elizabeth, Samuel was running a viral fever and was hospitalised in East shore. I needed to go Thomson to see the gynaecologist. Rushing to 3 hospitals in a week left me with not much time to grieve. Everything happened in such a rushing manner i had no time to think about what was going on. I simply deal with it mechanically, in the most logical way that i can.
Life sometimes send us the unexpected and disrupts our daily routine. I realised that it's easy to say "be strong" and dish out all kinds of positive comments to "snap out of it" quickly...but time heals all wound and time is also needed to grieve and have a moment of silence.
Found this poem, so beautiful
An Angel Never Dies (Author unknown)
Don’t let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold It doesn't mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
As for now, i found a push factor to do something different. I want to go into counselling. First, i need a certificate in that sort of stuff. And so i visited a school of counselling yesterday afternoon and am now looking into all possibilities to help me help myself..
Someday, somewhere, somehow, something's gotta change.
Dear God, please guide me if you already know what i am seeking in the deepest recesses of my heart.
"seek ye first his kingdom, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
Humbly housecat-wannabe
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