Today is Mother's day and it's the 7th year that i celebrate this day as a mother myself.
I messaged Jervis during lunch time to ask if everyone is available for dinner tonight and he told me our mother is throwing a tantrum. Felt xianz the moment i hear that. It has been so many years but somehow my mum's temper and black face always affect me. I do not understand why is my mother always so unhappy with life. I have never seen her truly happy since i was a child. Her mood swings were frequent and she always took it out on me. I used to think marriage and family took its toil on her. We were her burden. I was aware of this the day she said she wanted to divorce my dad and she only wanted Jervis..the youngest. But deep in my heart, i knew she loves Jervoise and me as well. I just did.
Anyway, we went ahead to mum's place for dinner. We bought food from a tze char stall in Bedok Reservoir and I was looking forward to a joyous dinner. There were sweet and sour meat, nai bai, chicken wings, ginger sliced fish, prawn balls, pork ribs, pork strips, sze chuan vegetables and eggs. Yummy right. My mum sat at the other end of the table and Jfk passed her the eggs. She replied "i don't eat eggs". After 5mins, she stood up and reached for the eggs. If Jfk was livid, he didn't show it at the dinner table.
I felt caught in between my mum and my husband. It hurts every time we quarrel about each other's family. Over the years, i have learnt to deal with it. But it does hurt me. I am not immune to hurt and pain but i choose not to let it affect me in any way. I want to be happy and i really believe that life is too precious to waste it feeling negative.
I love you Mummy.
Happy Mother's Day to all!
Sunday, May 8, 2016
25 April 2016 - When weariness hits
I feel so weary. I cried last night, for no apparent reasons. I just felt like it and i did.
I felt tired having to juggle so many things at a time. 3 sets of families, but nothing i do is enough for JFK. It almost seems as if he is pushing my limits to see how far it can go. Every little things upset him. I am tired of the way we communicate..if it even count as communicating. We are just going through the routines of life. What is expected of us. Where we need to be. Who we need to meet up with. The responsibilities that we need to fulfil.
I want to make this selfish statement: I wish i can drop everything, including my mobile phone, and do what i want to do. For many days. To re-charge. It is so simple. I want to watch a movie of my choice, eat alone in the middle of CBD area and watch people rushing about with their lives while i sit at a cafe with a cup of coffee. Just watching and relaxing. I want to have dinner at a Korean restaurant eating bbq meat. I want to go to a karaoke joint and sing my heart out and drink all the beer i can. I can if i want to. But someone or some voices in my head are always arguing with each other. Conflict of interest. Sometimes, i think I'm just weird and wired...mad.
I bet everyone makes checklists. At work, at home etc We make checklists to help us remember things. I make checklists all the time. I make a checklist of chores to be done at home and tasks that need to be completed at work. I even make a mental checklist on people. I know what works for me and what don't. I am so anal. First on my list to qualify as a friend would certainly be as real as can be. I loathe "fakeness", hypocrisy and selfishness. Life should be as simple as can be and we should all be sincere.
Recently, things got busy. Like really busy. I think after the Chinese New Year, i have been frequently clocking in 12 hours shift. And a few Saturdays. I settle down in the office by 7.15am and start working. That would be about 1hr and 45 mins of OT at the start of day. And work seems to pile..i do not know why. It just seem to have gotten worst. But i have been observing the work process. Sometimes, it is not the process that fail, it is the people and the different stages of the whole process.
I love life. I love people even though the ironic thing is i really like to be alone. No man is an island of his own. But it has been draining me recently and i wish i can pack my bags and disappear. Go somewhere more down to earth than materialistic Singapore.
I love Samuel. Very much. He is the only human being that i really love with all my heart. He holds the key to my sanity, to keep it all intact and be normal. For him, i would do anything.
Anger. I got angry with Arrow for trying to control the way i use my annual leaves. I got angry with all the people who set the wrong rules and our job scope got expanded with expedites, claims, oracle issues etc etc etc all of which are not going to help make me a better person or climb any f**king corporate ladder. I got angry with the vegetables for turning yellow on the day i want to cook it. I got angry with the hot water flask for burning my hands. I got angry with the shower head for being so big. I know and I'm aware..such are irrational anger. That's the two voices talking to each other now. Let's call them Logic the angel and Illogical the devil. Thanks to Logic, i am no where near depression.
Rules and conforming. I detest these words. I detest social norms and "politically correct" anything. But i still do it because it is necessary to do the politically correct things at home, at work, at social functions. So that no can can bite my ass and say "ha, there she goes again" Logic reminds me of this all the time.
I think so many thoughts go in and out of my head so fast, sometimes i blah things out mindlessly. But I'm no big mouth. I am very good at keeping secrets. Even Samuel commented that i am such a random mummy. "Mummy, how can you say this thing and you change to another thing so fast. We cannot understand you lei." Sometimes, this little boy seems remarkably intelligent to me. It is almost like God sent him to me as an anchor in my life. Solid like an Ox. An earthen Ox..no less. I feel like an airhead next to him sometimes. He is like this little solid rock, firm and strong in his opinions. I don't think he sits on the fence like his dad. I think he is a strong minded boy.
Emotional. I think i am slightly lacking in this department but the strange thing is, i can empathised with others. I can almost feel the pain, anxiety, fear, excitement, envy etc etc of others. Too much. So much so it bothers me when i can't solve their problems. Maybe I kaypoh. Thank God that i am adept at compartmentalising everything and separating my own well-being from everything toxic to my soul. Else, i would have gone mad. I would be in IMH by now..or worst, suicidal.
I am full of contradictions...maybe because i truly believe the world is one big playground that can accommodate all sorts of "children".
Ha..beware the barren-ness of a busy life.
Such random ramblings...but i am still grateful to God and life. And being in Singapore.
I want to make this selfish statement: I wish i can drop everything, including my mobile phone, and do what i want to do. For many days. To re-charge. It is so simple. I want to watch a movie of my choice, eat alone in the middle of CBD area and watch people rushing about with their lives while i sit at a cafe with a cup of coffee. Just watching and relaxing. I want to have dinner at a Korean restaurant eating bbq meat. I want to go to a karaoke joint and sing my heart out and drink all the beer i can. I can if i want to. But someone or some voices in my head are always arguing with each other. Conflict of interest. Sometimes, i think I'm just weird and wired...mad.
I bet everyone makes checklists. At work, at home etc We make checklists to help us remember things. I make checklists all the time. I make a checklist of chores to be done at home and tasks that need to be completed at work. I even make a mental checklist on people. I know what works for me and what don't. I am so anal. First on my list to qualify as a friend would certainly be as real as can be. I loathe "fakeness", hypocrisy and selfishness. Life should be as simple as can be and we should all be sincere.
Recently, things got busy. Like really busy. I think after the Chinese New Year, i have been frequently clocking in 12 hours shift. And a few Saturdays. I settle down in the office by 7.15am and start working. That would be about 1hr and 45 mins of OT at the start of day. And work seems to pile..i do not know why. It just seem to have gotten worst. But i have been observing the work process. Sometimes, it is not the process that fail, it is the people and the different stages of the whole process.
I love life. I love people even though the ironic thing is i really like to be alone. No man is an island of his own. But it has been draining me recently and i wish i can pack my bags and disappear. Go somewhere more down to earth than materialistic Singapore.
I love Samuel. Very much. He is the only human being that i really love with all my heart. He holds the key to my sanity, to keep it all intact and be normal. For him, i would do anything.
Anger. I got angry with Arrow for trying to control the way i use my annual leaves. I got angry with all the people who set the wrong rules and our job scope got expanded with expedites, claims, oracle issues etc etc etc all of which are not going to help make me a better person or climb any f**king corporate ladder. I got angry with the vegetables for turning yellow on the day i want to cook it. I got angry with the hot water flask for burning my hands. I got angry with the shower head for being so big. I know and I'm aware..such are irrational anger. That's the two voices talking to each other now. Let's call them Logic the angel and Illogical the devil. Thanks to Logic, i am no where near depression.
Rules and conforming. I detest these words. I detest social norms and "politically correct" anything. But i still do it because it is necessary to do the politically correct things at home, at work, at social functions. So that no can can bite my ass and say "ha, there she goes again" Logic reminds me of this all the time.
I think so many thoughts go in and out of my head so fast, sometimes i blah things out mindlessly. But I'm no big mouth. I am very good at keeping secrets. Even Samuel commented that i am such a random mummy. "Mummy, how can you say this thing and you change to another thing so fast. We cannot understand you lei." Sometimes, this little boy seems remarkably intelligent to me. It is almost like God sent him to me as an anchor in my life. Solid like an Ox. An earthen Ox..no less. I feel like an airhead next to him sometimes. He is like this little solid rock, firm and strong in his opinions. I don't think he sits on the fence like his dad. I think he is a strong minded boy.
Emotional. I think i am slightly lacking in this department but the strange thing is, i can empathised with others. I can almost feel the pain, anxiety, fear, excitement, envy etc etc of others. Too much. So much so it bothers me when i can't solve their problems. Maybe I kaypoh. Thank God that i am adept at compartmentalising everything and separating my own well-being from everything toxic to my soul. Else, i would have gone mad. I would be in IMH by now..or worst, suicidal.
I am full of contradictions...maybe because i truly believe the world is one big playground that can accommodate all sorts of "children".
Ha..beware the barren-ness of a busy life.
Such random ramblings...but i am still grateful to God and life. And being in Singapore.
Today is Edwin's birthday, God bless this man. :)
Monday, May 2, 2016
8 January 2016 - First week of school
This week is finally over and I'm so tired. We have been waking up at 5am everyday for the whole week. Samuel starts his primary school education this week and there were 3 days of school orientation. This was really a great idea as it helped both the parents and child to settle in.
I was overwhelmed with emotions as i watched Samuel from afar. He mingled around with friends and walked back to class independently.
This is the beginning of his official education in Singapore. And I'm thankful to be able to witness it.
I was overwhelmed with emotions as i watched Samuel from afar. He mingled around with friends and walked back to class independently.
This is the beginning of his official education in Singapore. And I'm thankful to be able to witness it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
