Thank you, our founding father of modern Singapore. Without your endless passion to build a better Singapore, we will not be able to stand tall and proud and say "I am a Singaporean."
R.I.P
Monday, March 23, 2015
23 March 2015 - Thank you Mr Lee Kuan Yew
Thank you, our founding father of modern Singapore. Without your endless passion to build a better Singapore, we will not be able to stand tall and proud and say "I am a Singaporean."
R.I.P
Monday, March 16, 2015
15 March 2015 - Random ramblings
Today would have been the deadline to secure a job placement in order to qualify for the social work program. And AMK has not got back to me.
The feeling i have towards God now is exactly the same when i lost Joshua and Matthew. I was pregnant... twice after Samuel. I was happy and excited at being a mother again. And I lost it all. Again. And again. Both pregnancies brought me happiness for weeks. And then misery for months. I got over it but i will never forget the pain. Miscarriage almost seemed like a dirty word to me.
If i didn't hear wrongly, God said obey and take this leap of faith. I did. I jumped in with anticipation, went through the whole process beginning from Nov 2014, went through two rounds of formal interviews. Hopeful and excited from November 2014 til now, March 2015. And BANG. I wonder what did i do wrong, or what did i not do. Same as how i felt for both pregnancies. Why?
Yes God, i am angry with you. I can't help it but yes i am angry. I have no right to be and I'm sorry for that. I still count my blessings and am contented with what i have now. But I am angry because i feel like a fool and a failure. "Feel" in present tense because i am still feeling like a fool who is a failure now. It is not your fault but mine. For having so little faith.
Whenever things like these happen, nothing seemed to change exteriorly but something did inside of me. My heart has changed, my thoughts too. Are you trying to stretch my patience in order to mould me?
I heard the devil mock me, saying "if your God is so almighty, ask Him to help you." (i am not a crazy bitch who is schizophrenic. My spiritual parent said the devil used voices to communicate with me) Yes..i am dark enough to hear from the devil. It sounds out of this world to say this.. even to my own ears. (i am really not crazy, please be assured that there are people who really do hear from the devil, in other ways) JFK thinks it's just a little voice in my head. Haha a man's little voice in my head? He a cynic who finds it hard to believe that there are 101 things that can happen in a spiritual world.. coming from a man who does not really believe that goodness in mankind still exists. Ironically, he also remains the naive and kinder one, between us. I hate the devil.
Thank you for giving me a very positive, optimistic and pragmatic nature. These help a lot, to survive.
I need to re-adjust myself to adjust to what i already am doing before you drop the "leap of faith" on my laps a few months back.
Nonetheless, forgive me if i have been ungrateful. And thank You for all that has/has not happen. Thank You for keeping us all alive. Good night world.
The feeling i have towards God now is exactly the same when i lost Joshua and Matthew. I was pregnant... twice after Samuel. I was happy and excited at being a mother again. And I lost it all. Again. And again. Both pregnancies brought me happiness for weeks. And then misery for months. I got over it but i will never forget the pain. Miscarriage almost seemed like a dirty word to me.
If i didn't hear wrongly, God said obey and take this leap of faith. I did. I jumped in with anticipation, went through the whole process beginning from Nov 2014, went through two rounds of formal interviews. Hopeful and excited from November 2014 til now, March 2015. And BANG. I wonder what did i do wrong, or what did i not do. Same as how i felt for both pregnancies. Why?
Yes God, i am angry with you. I can't help it but yes i am angry. I have no right to be and I'm sorry for that. I still count my blessings and am contented with what i have now. But I am angry because i feel like a fool and a failure. "Feel" in present tense because i am still feeling like a fool who is a failure now. It is not your fault but mine. For having so little faith.
Whenever things like these happen, nothing seemed to change exteriorly but something did inside of me. My heart has changed, my thoughts too. Are you trying to stretch my patience in order to mould me?
I heard the devil mock me, saying "if your God is so almighty, ask Him to help you." (i am not a crazy bitch who is schizophrenic. My spiritual parent said the devil used voices to communicate with me) Yes..i am dark enough to hear from the devil. It sounds out of this world to say this.. even to my own ears. (i am really not crazy, please be assured that there are people who really do hear from the devil, in other ways) JFK thinks it's just a little voice in my head. Haha a man's little voice in my head? He a cynic who finds it hard to believe that there are 101 things that can happen in a spiritual world.. coming from a man who does not really believe that goodness in mankind still exists. Ironically, he also remains the naive and kinder one, between us. I hate the devil.
Thank you for giving me a very positive, optimistic and pragmatic nature. These help a lot, to survive.
I need to re-adjust myself to adjust to what i already am doing before you drop the "leap of faith" on my laps a few months back.
Nonetheless, forgive me if i have been ungrateful. And thank You for all that has/has not happen. Thank You for keeping us all alive. Good night world.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
12 March 2015 - Waiting is...
Been awhile since i last updated my blog. Chinese New Year came and went, in a flash. I went for the second interview and I am still waiting for AMK family centre to call me...hopefully. Since that interview, i have been incessantly checking my emails and phone. Many thoughts came to my mind. Many what ifs. What if i didn't do well in the interview, what if they didn't like me that day. What if I wore the wrong set of clothes. What if I was too honest. What if I was too nervous. What ifs. What ifs.
I dislike myself for being so nervous waiting. I had prayed that God will open doors if He deemed fit. Close doors if it is not the one. I should surrender the results to Him, instead of wondering everyday. 15 March is the deadline to get hired by one of these organisations before I can proceed to submit my application to study in UNISIM. Despte the anxiety, I know that this is an added bonus in my life. Since if Yan hasn't let me know about the whole programme but cutting that newspaper clip, I wouldn't have went through the whole process since last Nov. So life is still great technically speaking. Continue to work, get paid, live the life that i have already became so familiar and accustomed to. Try to have another baby.
The only difference is, my heart has changed. Period.
I no longer see anyone in this company as people I have worked together with for almost 8 years as "families". In fact i seemed to have grown detached from many people by choice. It is almost like i no longer see a need to even just smile and say hi. Even to people in the same department. Screw formalities. I'm not sure if I'm being a prick and rude but I'm certainly following my heart. I find all these yakking among colleagues so meaningless. I really can't find any reason why I should bother to make small talk at all. Not one single reason, most practical reason i can think of is because i should try not to be rude. Hence smile and talk. How's the weather, how are you, nice dress, great hair, nice watch blah blah blah. But the thought of it makes me tired already.
Good night world. Tomorrow, life goes on, thank You God for keeping me and my family alive. :)
I dislike myself for being so nervous waiting. I had prayed that God will open doors if He deemed fit. Close doors if it is not the one. I should surrender the results to Him, instead of wondering everyday. 15 March is the deadline to get hired by one of these organisations before I can proceed to submit my application to study in UNISIM. Despte the anxiety, I know that this is an added bonus in my life. Since if Yan hasn't let me know about the whole programme but cutting that newspaper clip, I wouldn't have went through the whole process since last Nov. So life is still great technically speaking. Continue to work, get paid, live the life that i have already became so familiar and accustomed to. Try to have another baby.
The only difference is, my heart has changed. Period.
I no longer see anyone in this company as people I have worked together with for almost 8 years as "families". In fact i seemed to have grown detached from many people by choice. It is almost like i no longer see a need to even just smile and say hi. Even to people in the same department. Screw formalities. I'm not sure if I'm being a prick and rude but I'm certainly following my heart. I find all these yakking among colleagues so meaningless. I really can't find any reason why I should bother to make small talk at all. Not one single reason, most practical reason i can think of is because i should try not to be rude. Hence smile and talk. How's the weather, how are you, nice dress, great hair, nice watch blah blah blah. But the thought of it makes me tired already.
Good night world. Tomorrow, life goes on, thank You God for keeping me and my family alive. :)
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