Today would have been the deadline to secure a job placement in order to qualify for the social work program. And AMK has not got back to me.
The feeling i have towards God now is exactly the same when i lost Joshua and Matthew. I was pregnant... twice after Samuel. I was happy and excited at being a mother again. And I lost it all. Again. And again. Both pregnancies brought me happiness for weeks. And then misery for months. I got over it but i will never forget the pain. Miscarriage almost seemed like a dirty word to me.
If i didn't hear wrongly, God said obey and take this leap of faith. I did. I jumped in with anticipation, went through the whole process beginning from Nov 2014, went through two rounds of formal interviews. Hopeful and excited from November 2014 til now, March 2015. And BANG. I wonder what did i do wrong, or what did i not do. Same as how i felt for both pregnancies. Why?
Yes God, i am angry with you. I can't help it but yes i am angry. I have no right to be and I'm sorry for that. I still count my blessings and am contented with what i have now. But I am angry because i feel like a fool and a failure. "Feel" in present tense because i am still feeling like a fool who is a failure now. It is not your fault but mine. For having so little faith.
Whenever things like these happen, nothing seemed to change exteriorly but something did inside of me. My heart has changed, my thoughts too. Are you trying to stretch my patience in order to mould me?
I heard the devil mock me, saying "if your God is so almighty, ask Him to help you." (i am not a crazy bitch who is schizophrenic. My spiritual parent said the devil used voices to communicate with me) Yes..i am dark enough to hear from the devil. It sounds out of this world to say this.. even to my own ears. (i am really not crazy, please be assured that there are people who really do hear from the devil, in other ways) JFK thinks it's just a little voice in my head. Haha a man's little voice in my head? He a cynic who finds it hard to believe that there are 101 things that can happen in a spiritual world.. coming from a man who does not really believe that goodness in mankind still exists. Ironically, he also remains the naive and kinder one, between us. I hate the devil.
Thank you for giving me a very positive, optimistic and pragmatic nature. These help a lot, to survive.
I need to re-adjust myself to adjust to what i already am doing before you drop the "leap of faith" on my laps a few months back.
Nonetheless, forgive me if i have been ungrateful. And thank You for all that has/has not happen. Thank You for keeping us all alive. Good night world.
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