Today was one of those day that i felt emotional at work. I was being cornered by people who tried to tai-ji. I hate the feeling of being cornered to do the tasks that other people refused to even try. If you are able to lift your finger and make an effort to they to make the whole process a better one, and help someone, why won't you try? I felt angry. People can be so selfish and senseless. So..i wrote out a few harsh emails, direct and it sounded angry. But i cannot deal with such selfish attitudes and i started to draw boundaries with all the stupid assholes. The terrible behaviour of showing me selfishness made my chest became tight cos i was overwhelmed with anger and exasperation. Boundaries made me feel balanced.
I was restless. And for a moment, i miss Sean. Lunch escapades to nice food and more nice food. Talk nonsense and laugh. The gentle demeanour. On the last week of his notice period, i told him i will miss him. And he said "I'm just a few blocks away from you". He meant it literally.
At this moment on my bed, i willed myself to cry. By thinking of Matthew and Joshua, and how bad my life would be if i lose my family. Crying releases all the pent up negative emotions and cleanses the soul. An hour ago, Samuel has trouble falling asleep and he started crying and said "i keep on crying, it's a sad day today" hahaha Talk about being connected.
I really should sleep now.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Random Thoughts
This post is very late. We have since bought a new washing machine. :)
We went to the 24 hours laundry shop in Hougang this afternoon again. There are 3 washing machines for laundries up to 11kg and 3 other washing machines for laundries up to 17kg. At the other corner, there are 6 dryers. There is a row of chairs just opposite the washing machines. There is a ceiling fan, a wall mounted fan, 2 small tables, clothes baskets and a coin dispenser.
We went to the 24 hours laundry shop in Hougang this afternoon again. There are 3 washing machines for laundries up to 11kg and 3 other washing machines for laundries up to 17kg. At the other corner, there are 6 dryers. There is a row of chairs just opposite the washing machines. There is a ceiling fan, a wall mounted fan, 2 small tables, clothes baskets and a coin dispenser.
We were here last Saturday after the elections on Friday. I'm not sure if i had been sensitive but the atmosphere seemed sombre haha After all, the Worker's Party didn't win big in Hougang this time round.
Sitting in the laundry shop makes me feel more down to earth somehow. I like to sit and stare at the washing machine. Sssuuuusshhhing away, washing our clothes. People walk in and out of the shop. I wonder where do they live, what do they do for a living, what will they do after doing the laundry etc.
In the laundry shop, i can stone. Basically we are stuck at that area to do nothing except to wash our laundry and have lunch. I feel awesome to be able to walk from our car to the laundry shop carrying our big bag of laundry. It reminds me that we are alive and together as a family. We are able to make the choice of having lunch at the coffeeshop with Samuel..before he grows up and lead a life of his own. Time waits for no one.
Sitting in the laundry shop makes me feel more down to earth somehow. I like to sit and stare at the washing machine. Sssuuuusshhhing away, washing our clothes. People walk in and out of the shop. I wonder where do they live, what do they do for a living, what will they do after doing the laundry etc.
In the laundry shop, i can stone. Basically we are stuck at that area to do nothing except to wash our laundry and have lunch. I feel awesome to be able to walk from our car to the laundry shop carrying our big bag of laundry. It reminds me that we are alive and together as a family. We are able to make the choice of having lunch at the coffeeshop with Samuel..before he grows up and lead a life of his own. Time waits for no one.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
24 August, 2015 - Life..as it is
Life is like a gift, we never know what is inside unless we open it.
We just got back from a family trip to KL yesterday evening and I must say, it had been a really much awaited trip together as a family...my family. It is not easy to get both Jervoise and Jervis to travel together because both have very different habits when it comes to traveling. The last trip together was to Malacca and that was almost 3 years ago.
I saw a mother carrying a baby, about 3 months old, sitting by the roadside begging for money. The baby, wrapped in a piece of dirty linen, was fast asleep on the mother's lap. Which mother would carry her newborn begging on a polluted street unless she was being driven to desperation. I have wondered, for a split second, if that was even her baby, or was she just part of a syndicate. But i felt sadness in my heart. Sad that there were people who lived in abundance and not counting their blessings and on the other spectrum, people were suffering and dying from hunger due to poverty.
Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression. I used too think that only losers get these. Because they have not been strong and because they allowed their negative state of mind to take control of themselves. This weekend, i came to my own conclusion that perhaps it is not the weaker human beings that could come under such attacks, these are some sort of mental sicknesses that cannot be controlled. These people need medication.
But after seeing all the beggars on the streets of KL, i have second thoughts. What if these people who have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression live in such conditions? Living in hunger, with no shelter, no money, no hope, no tomorrow. If you live in hunger everyday, would you still care for attention for vanity reasons, fear of losing precious love ones or items, sense of insecurity etc? Perhaps not. There will be different other worries such as "when would the next meal be?" etc. Because you don't own anything you won't have the fear of losing anything. Perhaps the only fear would be losing one's life. It is really with anger when i typed these words. Because if you think life is a bitch and you live in fear all the time, fear of getting hurt, fear of loss etc, it is as good as not living.
I know of someone, who is constantly under such attacks. Let's call her W. W has been under anxiety attacks leading to depression so many times that i have lost count. And i sort of suffered due to her behaviours because she is my colleague in the same team..unfortunately. W stays with her family and has a decent job. A job that probably pays well enough to put food on the table..obviously. W has irrational fears. Fears that are unfounded. Because i see W as a closer colleague (not close enough to share things about my family and close friends), i unknowingly fell victim to W's unreasonable behaviours..because i did care and in the process i subjected myself to emotional stress. And in 2013, i lost Matthew.. 2nd loss in 2 years. Of cos, i take responsibility for losing Matthew as I made the choice to prioritise work then. I am adamant about not allowing W to abuse my care this time as i am sick of her wallowing in self pity - in my words not being emotional bullied by "someone who is not mentally sound". I see a soul-less person behind W's eyes. At least, i could still see desperation and sadness in the eyes of that beggar, i saw someone defeated by fate. For W, the soul is not in that body.
Before the trip to KL, I was thinking of ways to positively influence W but now i just see W as someone who fails to see the glass as half full all the time. Jfk had depression once, but he is family and i love him enough to want to be by his side regardless. I guess i will probably still be there for W but i will need to draw the line from now on. And I have told her that i will and i am capable of dropping her like a hot potatoe if she starts her nonsense again. That was really my ultimatum. I felt instant relief after i said that :)
We just got back from a family trip to KL yesterday evening and I must say, it had been a really much awaited trip together as a family...my family. It is not easy to get both Jervoise and Jervis to travel together because both have very different habits when it comes to traveling. The last trip together was to Malacca and that was almost 3 years ago.
I saw a mother carrying a baby, about 3 months old, sitting by the roadside begging for money. The baby, wrapped in a piece of dirty linen, was fast asleep on the mother's lap. Which mother would carry her newborn begging on a polluted street unless she was being driven to desperation. I have wondered, for a split second, if that was even her baby, or was she just part of a syndicate. But i felt sadness in my heart. Sad that there were people who lived in abundance and not counting their blessings and on the other spectrum, people were suffering and dying from hunger due to poverty.
Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression. I used too think that only losers get these. Because they have not been strong and because they allowed their negative state of mind to take control of themselves. This weekend, i came to my own conclusion that perhaps it is not the weaker human beings that could come under such attacks, these are some sort of mental sicknesses that cannot be controlled. These people need medication.
But after seeing all the beggars on the streets of KL, i have second thoughts. What if these people who have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression live in such conditions? Living in hunger, with no shelter, no money, no hope, no tomorrow. If you live in hunger everyday, would you still care for attention for vanity reasons, fear of losing precious love ones or items, sense of insecurity etc? Perhaps not. There will be different other worries such as "when would the next meal be?" etc. Because you don't own anything you won't have the fear of losing anything. Perhaps the only fear would be losing one's life. It is really with anger when i typed these words. Because if you think life is a bitch and you live in fear all the time, fear of getting hurt, fear of loss etc, it is as good as not living.
I know of someone, who is constantly under such attacks. Let's call her W. W has been under anxiety attacks leading to depression so many times that i have lost count. And i sort of suffered due to her behaviours because she is my colleague in the same team..unfortunately. W stays with her family and has a decent job. A job that probably pays well enough to put food on the table..obviously. W has irrational fears. Fears that are unfounded. Because i see W as a closer colleague (not close enough to share things about my family and close friends), i unknowingly fell victim to W's unreasonable behaviours..because i did care and in the process i subjected myself to emotional stress. And in 2013, i lost Matthew.. 2nd loss in 2 years. Of cos, i take responsibility for losing Matthew as I made the choice to prioritise work then. I am adamant about not allowing W to abuse my care this time as i am sick of her wallowing in self pity - in my words not being emotional bullied by "someone who is not mentally sound". I see a soul-less person behind W's eyes. At least, i could still see desperation and sadness in the eyes of that beggar, i saw someone defeated by fate. For W, the soul is not in that body.
Before the trip to KL, I was thinking of ways to positively influence W but now i just see W as someone who fails to see the glass as half full all the time. Jfk had depression once, but he is family and i love him enough to want to be by his side regardless. I guess i will probably still be there for W but i will need to draw the line from now on. And I have told her that i will and i am capable of dropping her like a hot potatoe if she starts her nonsense again. That was really my ultimatum. I felt instant relief after i said that :)
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