24 August, 2015 - Life..as it is

Life is like a gift, we never know what is inside unless we open it.

We just got back from a family trip to KL yesterday evening and I must say, it had been a really much awaited trip together as a family...my family.  It is not easy to get both Jervoise and Jervis to travel together because both have very different habits when it comes to traveling. The last trip together was to Malacca and that was almost 3 years ago.

I saw a mother carrying a baby, about 3 months old, sitting by the roadside begging for money. The baby, wrapped in a piece of dirty linen, was fast asleep on the mother's lap. Which mother would carry her newborn begging on a polluted street unless she was being driven to desperation. I have wondered, for a split second, if that was even her baby, or was she just part of a syndicate. But i felt sadness in my heart. Sad that there were people who lived in abundance and not counting their blessings and on the other spectrum, people were suffering and dying from hunger due to poverty.

Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression. I used too think that only losers get these. Because they have not been strong and because they allowed their negative state of mind to take control of themselves. This weekend, i came to my own conclusion that perhaps it is not the weaker human beings that could come under such attacks, these are some sort of mental sicknesses that cannot be controlled. These people need medication.

But after seeing all the beggars on the streets of KL, i have second thoughts. What if these people who have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression live in such conditions? Living in hunger, with no shelter, no money, no hope, no tomorrow. If you live in hunger everyday, would you still care for attention for vanity reasons, fear of losing precious love ones or items, sense of insecurity etc? Perhaps not. There will be different other worries such as "when would the next meal be?" etc. Because you don't own anything you won't have the fear of losing anything. Perhaps the only fear would be losing one's life. It is really with anger when i typed these words. Because if you think life is a bitch and you live in fear all the time, fear of getting hurt, fear of loss etc, it is as good as not living.

I know of someone, who is constantly under such attacks.  Let's call her W. W has been under anxiety attacks leading to depression so many times that i have lost count. And i sort of suffered due to her behaviours because she is my colleague in the same team..unfortunately.  W stays with her family and has a decent job. A job that probably pays well enough to put food on the table..obviously. W has irrational fears. Fears that are unfounded. Because i see W as a closer colleague (not close enough to share things about my family and close friends), i unknowingly fell victim to W's unreasonable behaviours..because i did care and in the process i subjected myself to emotional stress. And in 2013, i lost Matthew.. 2nd loss in 2 years. Of cos, i take responsibility for losing Matthew as I made the choice to prioritise work then.  I am adamant about not allowing W to abuse my care this time as i am sick of her wallowing in self pity - in my words not being emotional bullied by "someone who is not mentally sound". I see a soul-less person behind W's eyes. At least, i could still see desperation and sadness in the eyes of that beggar, i saw someone defeated by fate. For W, the soul is not in that body.

Before the trip to KL, I was thinking of ways to positively influence W but now i just see W as someone who fails to see the glass as half full all the time. Jfk had depression once, but he is family and i love him enough to want to be by his side regardless.  I guess i will probably still be there for W but i will need to draw the line from now on. And I have told her that i will and i am capable of dropping her like a hot potatoe if she starts her nonsense again. That was really my ultimatum. I felt instant relief after i said that :)