It's V-day today and i prepared dinner for the three of us. I actually enjoy cooking, the aroma of home cooked food filled the air in our living room and it makes our apartment so "homey".
This period has been a mixture of joy and sadness. I have been spending so much time at home with Samuel, it's sheer bliss. I love taking mrt and lrt rides with him. Samuel in his little blue boots, carrying his small McQueen bag scooting around in his sturdy little scooter bike. We would travel to Serangoon Nex to play at the playground, or go to Punggol Plaza to buy toys. We met up with Tenghui and Kaizer now and then too. I learnt a few cooking tips from her :) I feel really happy to be a SAHM (stay at home mum) even though i know it's only temporary..i had only a month to enjoy and the irony is that this leave from work is at the expense of losing Matthew.
It hit me today that i no longer feel pregnant.
I will start work next Monday and for some reasons, i dread it. Of cos i like the idea of getting paid a salary as it is almost impossible to keep up with our lifestyle as a single income family in Singapore. With our current dual income, we can afford to continue sending Samuel to this pricey childcare, go on holidays without dipping into our savings, dine at restaurants occasionally etc But i must stressed that we are not overly extravagant in our lifestyle. If i take up real estates or insurance, then the sky will be the limit in terms of earnings as compared to being a salaried employee. That could work..
As i think back on the past 4 weeks, i really am very happy to be at home. I feel so alive. Going out means dressing in shorts, a comfy cardigan and my favourite Havaianas slippers, armed with my mrt card. I am quite familiar with the train routes now. And taking the public transport (not during peak hours) can be therapeutic as i enjoy observing others. Observing people has been something i enjoy doing from since young.
I'm still a blessed girl.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
6 February, 2013 - Scan after D & C
I went back to the Dr Adrian's clinic on Monday for a follow up. This was traumatic for me cos when he scanned over my tummy, i can no longer see the water bag, the sac..much less any signs of baby Mathew. It was just me and my stomach on the screen. It seemed not longer ago that we saw the heartbeat flickering very quickly and surely on the same screen. I couldn't help tearing up in his clinic and asked if he was sure i could have another baby. Being a professional and very nice doctor, he said "of cos you can, don't worry"
Anyway, Jervoise was the one who sent Samuel and me to the clinic and we went to my mum's place after that. He brought Samuel out for a swim in the afternoon while i took a few peeks into some thrashy magazines by the pool.
Time will heal all pain, i find that it is now easier to talk about it then a week ago. But whenever i see pregnant women around me, i can't help feeling a tinge of pain in my heart.
This is morbid...I know at 9 weeks, it's a foetus, but it is also looking like a baby. The picture below shows the fetal development at 9 weeks.
When i think about Mr & Mrs Yap who lost their 2 sons (13 and 7 years old) in the freak accident last Monday, i cannot help thinking what i went through pales in comparison.
Indeed, we live in a fallen world, condemned by sin. And from the time of Adam and Eve, God has been benevolent to us. For He sent us his only begotten son, to redeem us. Meanwhile, while we are still living on earth, we have to, in the context of buddhism, go through 生，死，病，老. All of these cause us pain, one way or another.
I went back to the Dr Adrian's clinic on Monday for a follow up. This was traumatic for me cos when he scanned over my tummy, i can no longer see the water bag, the sac..much less any signs of baby Mathew. It was just me and my stomach on the screen. It seemed not longer ago that we saw the heartbeat flickering very quickly and surely on the same screen. I couldn't help tearing up in his clinic and asked if he was sure i could have another baby. Being a professional and very nice doctor, he said "of cos you can, don't worry"
Anyway, Jervoise was the one who sent Samuel and me to the clinic and we went to my mum's place after that. He brought Samuel out for a swim in the afternoon while i took a few peeks into some thrashy magazines by the pool.
Time will heal all pain, i find that it is now easier to talk about it then a week ago. But whenever i see pregnant women around me, i can't help feeling a tinge of pain in my heart.
This is morbid...I know at 9 weeks, it's a foetus, but it is also looking like a baby. The picture below shows the fetal development at 9 weeks.
When i think about Mr & Mrs Yap who lost their 2 sons (13 and 7 years old) in the freak accident last Monday, i cannot help thinking what i went through pales in comparison.
Indeed, we live in a fallen world, condemned by sin. And from the time of Adam and Eve, God has been benevolent to us. For He sent us his only begotten son, to redeem us. Meanwhile, while we are still living on earth, we have to, in the context of buddhism, go through 生，死，病，老. All of these cause us pain, one way or another.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
31 January, 2013 - Miscarriage
Hello blog, i miss you, my personal space online, where i can write anything i want to. You are needed today, because i want to pen down my loss...so that i can "read it visually" instead of playing it over and over in my head.
Just a week ago, last Weds, i had my first dilation and curettage done..but it's the second miscarriage in nine months. Except that this time, i know it's a boy. This week, Matthew would have been 10 weeks old. Thank God that i have a brilliant gynaecologist this time. He did a good job, so i didn't have much cramps except for the occasional bleeding. He told us baby has no heartbeat, he didn't say "you have a dead foetus inside you" unlike the previous gynaecologist.
The first time it happened last May, baby was about 6 weeks and my body aborted the pregnancy naturally. Jfk injured his shoulder and needed an operation in Mt Elizabeth, Samuel was running a viral fever and was hospitalised in East shore. I needed to go Thomson to see the gynaecologist. Rushing to 3 hospitals in a week left me with not much time to grieve. Everything happened in such a rushing manner i had no time to think about what was going on. I simply deal with it mechanically, in the most logical way that i can.
Life sometimes send us the unexpected and disrupts our daily routine. I realised that it's easy to say "be strong" and dish out all kinds of positive comments to "snap out of it" quickly...but time heals all wound and time is also needed to grieve and have a moment of silence.
Found this poem, so beautiful
An Angel Never Dies (Author unknown)
Don’t let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold It doesn't mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
As for now, i found a push factor to do something different. I want to go into counselling. First, i need a certificate in that sort of stuff. And so i visited a school of counselling yesterday afternoon and am now looking into all possibilities to help me help myself..
Someday, somewhere, somehow, something's gotta change.
Dear God, please guide me if you already know what i am seeking in the deepest recesses of my heart.
"seek ye first his kingdom, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
Thank You,
Humbly housecat-wannabe
Just a week ago, last Weds, i had my first dilation and curettage done..but it's the second miscarriage in nine months. Except that this time, i know it's a boy. This week, Matthew would have been 10 weeks old. Thank God that i have a brilliant gynaecologist this time. He did a good job, so i didn't have much cramps except for the occasional bleeding. He told us baby has no heartbeat, he didn't say "you have a dead foetus inside you" unlike the previous gynaecologist.
The first time it happened last May, baby was about 6 weeks and my body aborted the pregnancy naturally. Jfk injured his shoulder and needed an operation in Mt Elizabeth, Samuel was running a viral fever and was hospitalised in East shore. I needed to go Thomson to see the gynaecologist. Rushing to 3 hospitals in a week left me with not much time to grieve. Everything happened in such a rushing manner i had no time to think about what was going on. I simply deal with it mechanically, in the most logical way that i can.
Life sometimes send us the unexpected and disrupts our daily routine. I realised that it's easy to say "be strong" and dish out all kinds of positive comments to "snap out of it" quickly...but time heals all wound and time is also needed to grieve and have a moment of silence.
Found this poem, so beautiful
An Angel Never Dies (Author unknown)
Don’t let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold It doesn't mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
As for now, i found a push factor to do something different. I want to go into counselling. First, i need a certificate in that sort of stuff. And so i visited a school of counselling yesterday afternoon and am now looking into all possibilities to help me help myself..
Someday, somewhere, somehow, something's gotta change.
Dear God, please guide me if you already know what i am seeking in the deepest recesses of my heart.
"seek ye first his kingdom, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
Humbly housecat-wannabe
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I don't know about tomorrow
I don't know about tomorrow;
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said.
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
Every step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb;
Every burden's getting lighter,
Every cloud is silver-lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eye;
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.
I don't know about tomorrow;
It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said.
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
Every step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb;
Every burden's getting lighter,
Every cloud is silver-lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eye;
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.
I don't know about tomorrow;
It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.
Monday, June 29, 2009
1 Month Anniversary of my dad's return to the Lord
How do one get over the pain of losing a loved one? If time can heal all wounds and pain, then time is slow.
Today is one month since papa left but the it seems as though it was just yesterday. On May 29, Friday at 5am, our cell phone rang. The nurse at the other end of the phone told us to rush down to the hospital, because Mr Chan's condition has become worst. After that call, everything was a blur. We rushed to get the car, we drove as fast as we could to the hospital, we almost had to sream at the people guarding the entrance to let us up to the intensive care unit and in the end we left our identification cards with them just to speed things up. Yet the moment we got to the entrance of papa's ward, the first thing that caught my eyes was the still oxygen bag. The oxygen bag that should have been moving was not moving..and the doctor's first words were "I am sorry, we failed to resuscitate Mr Chan." It took awhile for me to register what had just happened but when it did, we walked into the room to take a look at papa. His arms were still warm and so was his face. He looked like he was just deep in sleep and would be waking up any moment soon. I remember massaging his feet and hands..somehow hoping that the massage could jolt him out of his sleep. That whole week, after he had a fall on that fateful day on the 25th May, was a nightmare. Terms such as underlying disease, life span, tubing for life support system, not much we can do, last words, be prepared, i'm sorry, not optimistic, nothing we can do etc etc..everything that we dreaded hearing, we hear everyday. The worst decision has to be the one when we decided not to go for the tubing of life support. Jervoise was shaking my shoulders, with tears in his eyes, reminding me that "jie, no matter what happen, we will not tube papa ok? Be strong". Because the doctors told us to prepare for the worst. But how does one prepare for the worst such as this? We spent the whole week sitting outside ICU waiting..and i remembered on the night before papa passed away, Jervoise insisted on staying over at the lounge area of ICU and i insisted on staying awhile later with him. But he asked me to go home..and said "jiang zhen de, wo men zai deng shen mo?" Then it hit me that we were waiting for a miracle. Doctors have not given papa any survival chances and are we waiting for papa to recover from the spinal paralysis, the liver cancer or death? That week, Jervoise and me questioned God. Where is He when we needed Him. Has He forsaken us and our prayers?
Whenever i walked past the dinning table, the scene of papa lying on the floor, helpless and in shocked after the fall kept playing in my head. I tried lying on the same spot on the floor and tried imagining what was going on in papa's head that day. And i found myself staring at the sofa, staring at the spot near the window that papa has been occupying since the pain from the cancer caused his spine to be weaken and he could no longer sleep on his bed.
Dar and me have been staying at my parents's place for the past one month..just so that mum, Jervoise and Jervis will not feel as if the house is empty. Samuel gives us hope and anticipation to all the sadness and hurt that seem to surround the house. Throughout this all, we learnt something..when we pray, we should pray for God to take over and take control. We should pray for His will, not our will. And i believe God never forsaken us during that trying time, He answers prayer in three ways...Yes, No and Wait. At least we know papa has secured a place in heaven. And he was not in pain when he left, neither was he alone. Jesus was there to hold his hands. So the song that we sang at his wake was "I know who holds tomorrow...and i know who holds my hand..."
Samuel...we are thankful for him, he is God's gift to us. Samuel gave papa hope. For papa told my grandma that if not for Samuel, he will not go for chemotherapy. For chemotherapy was a painful process, and he was suffering from pain..Samuel gave him hope to be alive and not to jump off the apartment...until that fall. Even before he fell unconscious, papa's will to live was so strong. He wanted to go for an operation to cure the spine paralysis and then to go for the chemotherapy scheduled on Friday...not knowing that that doctors have already given up hope on him...and that Friday morning was to be a good bye. I will always remember papa anxiously asking us what did the doctor say. Because he was a strong man, who wanted so much to live and see his grandson.
Bye Papa, we will see you in heaven someday.
Today is one month since papa left but the it seems as though it was just yesterday. On May 29, Friday at 5am, our cell phone rang. The nurse at the other end of the phone told us to rush down to the hospital, because Mr Chan's condition has become worst. After that call, everything was a blur. We rushed to get the car, we drove as fast as we could to the hospital, we almost had to sream at the people guarding the entrance to let us up to the intensive care unit and in the end we left our identification cards with them just to speed things up. Yet the moment we got to the entrance of papa's ward, the first thing that caught my eyes was the still oxygen bag. The oxygen bag that should have been moving was not moving..and the doctor's first words were "I am sorry, we failed to resuscitate Mr Chan." It took awhile for me to register what had just happened but when it did, we walked into the room to take a look at papa. His arms were still warm and so was his face. He looked like he was just deep in sleep and would be waking up any moment soon. I remember massaging his feet and hands..somehow hoping that the massage could jolt him out of his sleep. That whole week, after he had a fall on that fateful day on the 25th May, was a nightmare. Terms such as underlying disease, life span, tubing for life support system, not much we can do, last words, be prepared, i'm sorry, not optimistic, nothing we can do etc etc..everything that we dreaded hearing, we hear everyday. The worst decision has to be the one when we decided not to go for the tubing of life support. Jervoise was shaking my shoulders, with tears in his eyes, reminding me that "jie, no matter what happen, we will not tube papa ok? Be strong". Because the doctors told us to prepare for the worst. But how does one prepare for the worst such as this? We spent the whole week sitting outside ICU waiting..and i remembered on the night before papa passed away, Jervoise insisted on staying over at the lounge area of ICU and i insisted on staying awhile later with him. But he asked me to go home..and said "jiang zhen de, wo men zai deng shen mo?" Then it hit me that we were waiting for a miracle. Doctors have not given papa any survival chances and are we waiting for papa to recover from the spinal paralysis, the liver cancer or death? That week, Jervoise and me questioned God. Where is He when we needed Him. Has He forsaken us and our prayers?
Whenever i walked past the dinning table, the scene of papa lying on the floor, helpless and in shocked after the fall kept playing in my head. I tried lying on the same spot on the floor and tried imagining what was going on in papa's head that day. And i found myself staring at the sofa, staring at the spot near the window that papa has been occupying since the pain from the cancer caused his spine to be weaken and he could no longer sleep on his bed.
Dar and me have been staying at my parents's place for the past one month..just so that mum, Jervoise and Jervis will not feel as if the house is empty. Samuel gives us hope and anticipation to all the sadness and hurt that seem to surround the house. Throughout this all, we learnt something..when we pray, we should pray for God to take over and take control. We should pray for His will, not our will. And i believe God never forsaken us during that trying time, He answers prayer in three ways...Yes, No and Wait. At least we know papa has secured a place in heaven. And he was not in pain when he left, neither was he alone. Jesus was there to hold his hands. So the song that we sang at his wake was "I know who holds tomorrow...and i know who holds my hand..."
Samuel...we are thankful for him, he is God's gift to us. Samuel gave papa hope. For papa told my grandma that if not for Samuel, he will not go for chemotherapy. For chemotherapy was a painful process, and he was suffering from pain..Samuel gave him hope to be alive and not to jump off the apartment...until that fall. Even before he fell unconscious, papa's will to live was so strong. He wanted to go for an operation to cure the spine paralysis and then to go for the chemotherapy scheduled on Friday...not knowing that that doctors have already given up hope on him...and that Friday morning was to be a good bye. I will always remember papa anxiously asking us what did the doctor say. Because he was a strong man, who wanted so much to live and see his grandson.
Bye Papa, we will see you in heaven someday.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
25 February, 2009 - Dad's birthday
Today is dad's birthday and we had dinner together at Jumbo in East Coast. I went to my parents's place after work and waited for dar to picked me and Jervis. Jervoise picked mum and went direct to Jumbo.
Papa is walking around with the aid of a walking stick now but i think he has been looking forward to dinner. He kept asking me to call everyone to ask what time can they reach home to go Jumbo together and was sulking when i told him we had to go in separate cars because there was a massive traffic jam in PIE. So Jervoise and mum will meet us there instead :)
We had celebrated his birthday a few days ago with grandma and all our uncles, aunties and cousins with the chinese "Sou Tao" buns..but dad is only 59, it feels as if we are eating the longevity buns because he is not going to make it for his 60th birthday...choi choi! I really hope this is not the last birthday celebration that we have with papa as a family. I hope we will be celebrating his 60th birthday next year with baby :)
Happy birthday Papa!
Papa is walking around with the aid of a walking stick now but i think he has been looking forward to dinner. He kept asking me to call everyone to ask what time can they reach home to go Jumbo together and was sulking when i told him we had to go in separate cars because there was a massive traffic jam in PIE. So Jervoise and mum will meet us there instead :)
We had celebrated his birthday a few days ago with grandma and all our uncles, aunties and cousins with the chinese "Sou Tao" buns..but dad is only 59, it feels as if we are eating the longevity buns because he is not going to make it for his 60th birthday...choi choi! I really hope this is not the last birthday celebration that we have with papa as a family. I hope we will be celebrating his 60th birthday next year with baby :)
Happy birthday Papa!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
6 December, 2008 - Jervis's birthday
We celebrated Jervis's birthday at Xiao Hong Wu in East Coast today. Mum invited Auntie Eugenia and Elysia as well :)
Dar and me went to the gynae today, and so during dinner, we announced to everyone that we are going to have a baby. :)
There was silence for awhile, i think that's because no one expected us to be having kids anytime so soon. But i know dad and mum are happy and over the top because they have been hinting that we are not young anymore and we should be planning for kids soon.
Cheerios to having a little ox baby.
Dar and me went to the gynae today, and so during dinner, we announced to everyone that we are going to have a baby. :)
There was silence for awhile, i think that's because no one expected us to be having kids anytime so soon. But i know dad and mum are happy and over the top because they have been hinting that we are not young anymore and we should be planning for kids soon.
Cheerios to having a little ox baby.
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