April Fools day and i feel like a fool.
I have been feeling tired lately. I imagined that i might be pregnant because pregnancies make a woman very tired uncontrollably. But i am definitely not pregnant. Perhaps it is because of the responsibilities in life and routines to follow? Chores to do around the HDB apartment. Fulfilling family and friends obligations like buying dinner, outings, chatting, tuition etc. Basically it just means hanging around.
And then the guilt kicks in because i am aware that i am blessed. Why, then, am i feeling this way. It almost feel like a cardinal sin to gripe about being tired. And when i mean tired, i am not sure if i am mentally tired. But i am sure i am physically tired because i fall asleep in the sofa and in the car nowadays. Which brings disgust to myself because it is not as if i lead a very active lifestyle.
So.. its a struggle within myself. About the right to feel tired inside out.
Today marks my 8th year in this company. It's the only job that i have ever worked so long in a company. But 8 years in the same role makes me seem like a loser. If i have wore tinted glasses in the past, that must be the only reason why i could tolerate the nonsense that people gave me. I carry my magnifying glass now. And it is one of those "x10 enlarge" type of magnifying glass. I can see the flaws so big and clear that i really find no reason to partake in any sort of yakking. To the ones who are generally nice people, i make an effort to be polite and chat. This magnifying glass helps me to suss out all the hypocrites, loud, selfish, boastful ones and in the process make me lose faith in human beings. Or at least some human beings. I really hate it that some women use flirting (mild flirt, big flirt) to get the men to do things, or get away with things. But this is how the world works. And some suckers just fall for it.
Fear stops me from quitting without a job. I have unintentionally tied my self-worth-being-employed to a job. I do not mean it as the job makes me feel worthy as a person, i have no issues with my own confidence. But in a society where unemployment is fawn upon, especially now that the retirement age has went up, i feel "normal" to have a job. Shit, i hate the whole sentence because it makes me see that i have allowed myself to be subjected to conforming to social standards.
I have been wondering of this is an onset of mild depression. But if it is, why am i aware of it? Isn't it supposed to hit you when you least expected it and leave you in denial?
But I'm so tired i really have no desire to do anything at all. I just want to space out for as long as i can.
It can only get better. I will sort it out one way or another. NEVER FEAR.
Mr Lee Kuan Yew was such an inspiring person. "Self-confidence, jaunty"
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