29 July, 2015 - Hospitals

Samuel had high fever over the weekend and it fluctuated between 37 degrees Celcius and 39.7 degrees Celcius. So i had to sponge him and feed him brufen and paracetamol alternately every 3 hours. And also to take his temperature. We had to do this on Friday night and Saturday night. And on Sunday, Jervoise hurt his back again..from a cough, while preparing to go to the Changi hospital to see our grandma with mum. So in the end Jfk and me sent him to Tan Tock Seng and we spent the whole afternoon sitting outside the waiting area in A&E while he gets treated. By the time we got back to mum's place, it was already 9pm. The whole time we at there, i saw almost 20 ambulances bringing people in. It is really a blessing to be healthy and alive and be able to walk, talk, breathe, eat, drink and sit.

Yesterday, i finally went to the doctor because the left side of my neck hurts. The pain started on Saturday but there was really no time to see the doctor with so many things to take care of. So i went on a Monday evening and the clinic refused to take in any more patients because it was closed, that was only 8.30 and the clinic is supposed to close only at 10pm. Damn. 

And so..the doctor said it was lymph nodes that was swollen and causing the pain. I had the cough for almost a month now. And he gave me a letter to go get an X-ray. I also got some antibiotics, cough pills, logenges and flu med. And i truly thank God that yesterday and today were not busy days at work. Because i really feel tired and drowsy..and just really tired.

Jervoise picked me up from work and we went to Changi hospital to visit grandma. She was hospitalised because her red blood cells were too low. As i stared at her face, i realised my grandma has aged alot. She used to wear cheongsums when i was younger and she was tall and regal. She could cooked up a storm and make fantastic soups. So typical of a Cantonese family. It's double boiled soup for every meal. It's a must. She looks frail and...aged. There were many fine lines on her face and she was playing Facebook haha I have never been close to her because she doted on Jervoise, i was just there because.  I had to eat char siew rice for lunch almost everyday after school because grandpa will buy that for us, because it was Jervoise's favourite food.  I hated char siew rice. I still do, must have given me a phobia. But YeYe and MaMa would bring Jervoise and me for long bus rides. I have memories of the 4 of us taking a double decker bus and feeling happy..in those days, there were no MRT yet. And after the rides, we would walk the long road back home in Geylang. Maybe the bus rides wasn't so long and the road home is not far, but when we were kids, the world looked alot bigger :) And there were many afternoons spent in the open air playground at the top level of parkway parade. I wish we had photos to show..but there are only memories. 

As i walked to the canteen in Changi hospital, it brought back memories. The last time i stepped foot in the canteen was 6 years ago, with mum and Auntie Eugenia..with Samuel in my womb.  The fishes in the pond were still as big as before. Pa used to sit at the bench and stared at the fishes and of cos to sneak a smoke. There was once when both of us sat there for half an hour..in silence, just staring at the fishes. But Qi Ji is gone..and so is the open air car park. The hospital is going through some renovation to make it more enticing. Duh. It's really not the place, the doctors and nurses have to buck up. Patients really do want to have accurate diagnosis, gets admitted and DISCHARGED. 

It had been an eventful week..with health issues for all. But all is well :)

22 July 2015 - Between getting things done and being liked

Sometimes, when I'm caught in undesirable situations, i would wonder what would Pastor Dominic or Mr Lee Kuan Yew have done if he faced the same situation as me.

Yesterday, Edwin told me i kena a complaint from a customer service from Penang. But i did what i did so that i can manage work in more efficient way. If i send you an *email asking you if this has been settled? If not, please let me know today so that i can work on it immediately. I thought this sounded courteous and factual.

Imagine if i sent out 50 of such emails at one shot in the morning, different groups of people would have received the emails and responded at separate times, giving me leeway to clear these emails effectively, efficiently and immediately. Instead of going through 50 emails with new ones coming in at the same time that i am trying to clear these 50 old emails sent when I'm on leave, which also means i would be swarmed. Which also mean it could already be the next day or the next by the time i get to the email sent while I'm out of office.

I was thinking about where is she coming from, besides the fact that she buay kam buang that she has to resend the email to me. And i decided that between giving the illusion that i am trying goddamn hard to clear these emails and get liked, or being selfish about it so that things get done efficiently but yet get a bad reputation, i chose the later. Because either ways, i will still get complained. Take too long to clear, kena complained for being slow. Seriously.. I would have a list of things to lodge complaints about them but i firmly believe that no one is perfect and as long as it is not life and death issue, we can close one eye and just live and let live.

But i had been kuai lan. I skyped her to ask if she has gotten all the needed DPAs. I was thinking if she replies, i will tell her that she should have cc me in the email as well, instead of doing it behind my back, i just wanted her to know i know but it was zzzzzzzz  what a bitch

I am surprised i wasn't angry, upset or feel lousy because it is a fact also that i was selfish too, to have inconvenienced her to resend her request. Not that i have become numb and thick skin about such things but more like because i made a choice which i think best help myself, i should not regret it. Every decision that we make in life comes with consequences, good or bad. And i really have to blog about this.. because i need to remember that no matter what we do, we can never really please everyone and if we try to please others, we will get burnt out emotionally and physically. Wah in this case, it would mean more overtime during the weekdays and possibly another Saturday's worth of work.  I would be burnt out and feeling guilty about not spending time with Samuel.  Goodness, the thought freak me out. At the end of the day, i am answerable to God and my conscience. And the conscience now says, play with Samuel.

Another quote from Mr Lee Kuan Yew which i thought so apt. for this post... of cos it is too far fetched for me to even think of comparing my situation to his. But this is really too inspiring not to post it here.

*email - it is not really emails but quote line requests sent via Oracle. We will get tracked if the requests are pending too long

17 July, 2015 - Am i a lousy mother?

As i am approaching 40, i have many mixed feelings. Not fear of growing old but fear of biological clock ticking away. I had a chat with Eunice when we were in the canteen of ACS having lunch. She is 41 and like me, she has only one son, Lucas. We both have days whereby we would be very firm and sure that one child was good enough and days when this belief waver.

Whenever Samuel plays his Lego set by himself, i truly think he is enjoying himself a lot until i see him dashing to the gate to see if our neighbour is back. And walks back to his Lego when he realised it is not Keller.. There are days he hugs me tightly and say "i wish i can have a didi, mummy, i will share my toys with him" And i will be reminded of Matthew and Joshua..and what it could have been. Lucas often make the request to have a sibling to his mother too.

Jfk and me were a pair of DINKS - dual income no kids couple. Samuel was an accident pregnancy and Jfk had said then that if we didn't plan on having any kids, we should abort it and never to regret it. But Samuel is like a forbidden fruit. We tasted parenthood and we enjoy every moment of it. And it is human nature to become greedy. We wanted another child and failed many times.

There are days when I am quite sure one child is enough since the world is so complicated and I don't really want to bring another human being to suffer on Earth. And there are days i got selfish harbouring the thought of bringing another human being to Earth because i want to go through the process of being a mother to a baby, a toddler and a pre-schooler..and breastfeed.

If i am in my early 30s, i think i will have no qualms about trying for another child without so much concerns. Eunice shared the same thought as me. Samuel and Lucas are both going primary 1 next year, it is a good age. We are now no longer sure if we want to go through the whole process of pregnancy and all. Anway, it is also not like i have a choice to become pregnant..

I was feeling guilty and emotional because i had not spend enough time with Samuel in the weekdays recently. I forgot all his spellings and 听写,  i didn't coach him at all. In the end, he got his 听写 almost all wrong. Instead, i spent more time at work in a dead end job and also time in the gym trying to get slimmer. A week ago, i was staring at my pc and i black out..Bryan came to my desk and asked me about ACS. Chatted abit about the school, student care and the school bus and then I don't know what got into me...i blah out that i am not a very good mother because my child has to go to student care after spending a whole morning in school. I thought i felt tears in my eyes..anyway he said quality time starts after work at 6pm on weekdays and weekends. The child will have a lot of activities in school and he will be so busy that he probably won't have that much time for his mother. A woman should continue to work blah blah blah.  Somehow i felt less guilty after hearing that, he was right.

I think it all started after Samuel told me "Mummy, i cannot take the school bus home because there is no one at home." I felt so sad after hearing that. I merely smiled and told him "student care would be fun as Lucas is there, both of you are good friends and you like him alot right?" Samuel smiled and gave me a tight hug and kiss my cheek, telling me how much he loves me. I love you alot too my precious child.

God, You know what i want badly, is it a "wait" now? Will it ever happen?

What an apt quote from Mr Lee Kuan Yew about working :)

16 July, 2015 - 6th birthday celebration

Samuel turned 6 today. He has grown so tall, reaching my shoulders already. It seems like just yesterday that i was still breastfeeding him. Mama pillow :)

Jfk and me took leave, we want to celebrate Samuel's birthday and make him a very happy child today. I hired a magician to perform in pre-school as this is the last year he gets to celebrate in school. The cost of hiring the magician was $330 and the cake cost $80.. not to mention the goody bags for Samuel's classmates, which cost about $60. Birthday parties are very expensive nowadays. 

All the K1 and K2 kids gathered in the music room and sang him a birthday song. I will miss this childcare centre when Samuel leaves at the end of the year.  The magic performance was 30mins and the balloon sculpting was an hour. After 30mins, the children from K1 and K2 Kindness left the music room and only K2 Gentleness stayed on. It was in chaos as the kids leave the room running, skipping and laughing. I was soaking in the atmosphere, i felt this was the last time i will get to celebrate my child's birthday in a childcare. 

Jfk decided that we should catch the movie Antman since Samuel wanted to watch that movie. So we went to catch it in Katong I12. After the movie, we went home to let Samuel rest. Flu and cough can be bothersome. 

We had dinner with my family at Canton Paradise in Bedok Mall later in the evening. It was a blessing to have Mum, Jervoise, Jervis, Jfk, Samuel and me sitting at the round table in the restaurant. It was just missing Pa and Alisa. Jervis bought a cake for Samuel. Samuel got two birthday cakes today :) My family means the world to me.

Samuel is indeed the biggest gift from God, for he is blessed with the intelligence and emotional maturity that Pa has prayed for. Thank You..

8 July, 2015 - Anglo-Chinese School

I am so happy today, i couldn't stoop smiling today. Today it's THE day. A very important day to us as we are going to enrol Samuel in ACS. It's like a dream come true, so surreal. I am very, very happy. I have no idea how are we going to work out our schedules and our time but I am very determined to give Samuel a head start in education..by not going to a neighbourhood school.  In Jervis's words "all your connections are made in your primary and secondary school. Your peers will greatly influence your ambitions in life one way or another." I thought there was some truth in it. Look at what i am doing.. and what the rest of my cousins are doing. All of them hailed from Hwa Chong, Raffles, Victoria, IB programs etc. All the jiak kantangs who can also speak ok mandarin here and there since they all took higher Chinese as a subject. And they are smart, very smart. Seriously, i pale in comparison, like very pale.  :(

Geylang Methodist is not exactly a neighbourhood school...  but i don't like it. Maybe because of the "Geylang". The only thing i like is the word Methodist, because of this, it is considered affiliated to ACS. I'm a sucker.

Side tracked.. maybe it is a good thing i have only one child. I can focus on him. The mind is willing but the biological clock is ticking away. I would be lying to say I'm not apprehensive about another pregnancy. What if the baby dies again or worst, what if the baby is deformed?

So.. today we went to the library, then the canteen. We ordered food and ate at the canteen, i wanted to eat there because that is where Samuel will eat next time.

I "heart" you ACS  :))

To God be the glory, the best is yet to be.

6 July, 2015 - Random Ramblings

1st July 2015 - the official date that Edwin will head our team. It is really like a dream come true too, from Pemco days. So this "coronation day" was really something to celebrate for :) Here is a very honest, sincere and intelligent man, not full of shit or wayang but jaded. Jaded because like a sponge, he absorbs the essence of everything that surrounds him. Knowing too much and seeing too much..thank God he is strong enough to be able to withstand and host all the knowledge. But anyway, it is better to be in touched with our surroundings than be oblivious idiots. It is important to be sincere and honest human beings with integrity and genuinely care about others,  than wayang. God bless the man :)

I "took a few days leave" as dabao king last week. I know mum is not too pleased..but i can't help it. The routine last week was interrupted. The routine of buying dinner, packing Samuel's school bag, making Jervoise and Jervis's beds, boiling the water..all these at my mum's place. And washing the clothes, ironing, sweeping the floor..at my place. Had to put in extra hours almost the whole of last week, the only bonus was..unfortunately, a little fire in the canteen of my workplace and we got the the whole of Tuesday off. But the next day was a nightmare when i saw the huge pile of work. So it was just work and work and work and gym.

And I went back to work on a Saturday. And that day, Samuel needed to visit the dentist to get his tooth extracted. While he was in the dentist, i was in the office clearing work. I had really felt like the worst mother ever... i hate it when i feel lousy as a mother. But i told myself i needed to do this in order to enjoy ourselves fully on the coming Tuesday, which is tomorrow. It's THE day that we register Samuel in ACS. I needed to be on top of work so that i get peace of mind. Something gotta give right? But shit. It never rains but it pours. When i turn on Oracle today, i saw 3 pages of quote line items to work on. That sucks. Considering the fact that i have cleared it to a page when i left the office on Saturday evening. Not to mention emails and EBS and all that shit besides quotes. For a fleeting moment this morning, a sense of desperation swept through me and my mind just went blank. It's hard to think when i am having a flu with a sore throat and wouldn't stop sneezing. I felt desperate because tomorrow is a very important day to us and I am nothing near "on top of work" despite trying hard. I went from desperation to my mind going blank and to anger. Angry at the person who worked on a Sunday, angry that i fell sick at this time, angry with everything. 

But in my 38++ years of life experiences, i have learnt that staying calm at trying situations is more effective than panicking. So..it was on anger mode when i worked today. But i wasn't rude and I didn't take it out on anyone. It was just anger but i am fully aware of how unnecessary it was to be angry. That's the best part, talking to myself in the head - the logical reasonings and the illogical emotions fighting each other. It was just like cruise control while driving, i was really just cruising through work today, which helped cos i was very calm. I even looked the part. Can complete great, cannot too bad. I popped 2 pills to stop the flu and I'm just feeling sleepy...and angry.

Sometimes i feel like a robot, i need to complete many tasks in a day,  a week, a weekend. It's all about wearing many different hats and masks and play the juggling game. But it is a blessing to be able to juggle because it means I'm alive and healthy and useful. But i am not a robot, and i get "feel under the weather" days.. hence this cyber space of mine is such a therapeutic place. 

I am determined that tomorrow is going to be a great day. It's ACS. It's THE school..my dream school since young and Samuel is going there.

:)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  

Curiosity made me checked out NCSS web just now. And i saw Iris Lin, director or Fei Yue, on the first page again. I also just found out that Joyce and Valerene were her friends. I wonder if that could mean something..since Valerene is going to invite us to her wedding. God, are You doing anything? Anything at all?

But I felt a need to join a cell group..to get back to a spiritual family. There was a prompting but i shut it down. Because it was not convenient to attend cell every week. But i could be wrong..