17 July, 2015 - Am i a lousy mother?

As i am approaching 40, i have many mixed feelings. Not fear of growing old but fear of biological clock ticking away. I had a chat with Eunice when we were in the canteen of ACS having lunch. She is 41 and like me, she has only one son, Lucas. We both have days whereby we would be very firm and sure that one child was good enough and days when this belief waver.

Whenever Samuel plays his Lego set by himself, i truly think he is enjoying himself a lot until i see him dashing to the gate to see if our neighbour is back. And walks back to his Lego when he realised it is not Keller.. There are days he hugs me tightly and say "i wish i can have a didi, mummy, i will share my toys with him" And i will be reminded of Matthew and Joshua..and what it could have been. Lucas often make the request to have a sibling to his mother too.

Jfk and me were a pair of DINKS - dual income no kids couple. Samuel was an accident pregnancy and Jfk had said then that if we didn't plan on having any kids, we should abort it and never to regret it. But Samuel is like a forbidden fruit. We tasted parenthood and we enjoy every moment of it. And it is human nature to become greedy. We wanted another child and failed many times.

There are days when I am quite sure one child is enough since the world is so complicated and I don't really want to bring another human being to suffer on Earth. And there are days i got selfish harbouring the thought of bringing another human being to Earth because i want to go through the process of being a mother to a baby, a toddler and a pre-schooler..and breastfeed.

If i am in my early 30s, i think i will have no qualms about trying for another child without so much concerns. Eunice shared the same thought as me. Samuel and Lucas are both going primary 1 next year, it is a good age. We are now no longer sure if we want to go through the whole process of pregnancy and all. Anway, it is also not like i have a choice to become pregnant..

I was feeling guilty and emotional because i had not spend enough time with Samuel in the weekdays recently. I forgot all his spellings and 听写,  i didn't coach him at all. In the end, he got his 听写 almost all wrong. Instead, i spent more time at work in a dead end job and also time in the gym trying to get slimmer. A week ago, i was staring at my pc and i black out..Bryan came to my desk and asked me about ACS. Chatted abit about the school, student care and the school bus and then I don't know what got into me...i blah out that i am not a very good mother because my child has to go to student care after spending a whole morning in school. I thought i felt tears in my eyes..anyway he said quality time starts after work at 6pm on weekdays and weekends. The child will have a lot of activities in school and he will be so busy that he probably won't have that much time for his mother. A woman should continue to work blah blah blah.  Somehow i felt less guilty after hearing that, he was right.

I think it all started after Samuel told me "Mummy, i cannot take the school bus home because there is no one at home." I felt so sad after hearing that. I merely smiled and told him "student care would be fun as Lucas is there, both of you are good friends and you like him alot right?" Samuel smiled and gave me a tight hug and kiss my cheek, telling me how much he loves me. I love you alot too my precious child.

God, You know what i want badly, is it a "wait" now? Will it ever happen?

What an apt quote from Mr Lee Kuan Yew about working :)