3 January 2016 - God inspired

School re-opens tomorrow and we are all ready but i keep thinking that I might have missed out on something and this went through my head like almost a thousand times.  Samuel is happily playing at Kellar's place, oblivious to the fact that he will be starting a new milestone tomorrow. Children are so innocent.  I watched Samuel from a distance when we were in church this morning. He was singing praises to God and enjoying himself. I hope we are bringing him up the way that God intended for him to be, and set out to fulfil the plans that God has for him.

Tweet for Thought ftom Pastor Dom:

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A very blessed New Year to you and your family! It's the first weekend of 2016;I truly believe that it's a season of new beginnings and opportunities to see God's victory in your life.

God will pour new things into our lives in 2016, but we cannot fully embrace it until we have let go of 2015 and our past. Matthew 9: 16-17 says, "No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch with pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."

Regardless of how you feel, don't stay stuck because of your reluctance to change, surrender, reposition or simply let go and let God. It's time to throw the old wineskin and let God pour new wine into new wineskins. God has put in you all that you need to push through the threshold and move forward in 2016. His Spirit is upon you. His strength, His peace, His comfort, His wisdom - He makes all of His resources available for your to breakthrough into the new things.

It's time to let go, move forward and see God's victories happening!

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Today's sermon was on prayer. We should prayer as that is a form of communication to God, our heavenly Father. I agree..prayer should not just be a way to ask things or favours from God. I am tired of thinking of aliens and science..i will convince Jfk to join a family cell so that we can grow spiritually. Be that God centred family we should be..and honour God for blessing us with Samuel. 

2 January 2016 - Gossips and delusional acceptance

We went for dinner with Jfk's family today to celebrate his niece, Jasmin's birthday. And during dinner, Jasmin asked Jfk how was the Legoland trip with my mother *wink*. The look on Jasmin's face told me that her Nai Nai has said horrible things of my mother to her and she said Nai Nai has told her all about my mother bla bla bla. Well, Jfk had complained to my mother-in-law about my mum, once. That my mum can be quite difficult to get along with and sort of gives in to Samuel most times and she nags..alot. And Jasmin said Nai Nai talked to her for almost 2 hours in the hotel room in Genting while her parents went to the casino.

I really find it harder and harder to love someone like my mother-in-law. Or respect, for that matter. She really has no business to bad mouth my mother to Jasmin of all people. What did my mum do to warrant this? I cannot understand why is there a need for her to gossip about anyone and everyone. The whole time during dinner, i tried to think of a reason or circumstances that could lead to her talking bad about my mum to Jasmin. To find justification. None.

In her own words, everyone "eat shit" (in teochew) Don't she understand that gossip is like a boomerang that will come back full circle to the person who threw it? I mean at her age? All the time she will try to pry me about Jervoise's marriage to "that Mongolian",  perhaps hoping that i have something bad to say and she can use this juicy piece of story to act as a great conversation piece to another group of people. Anyway, I'm always very cautious with her questions. My instincts on a person's character seldom fail me and I always reply her with "they are doing great, thank you for asking." You know the difference when someone ask out of concern or someone ask out of kaypoh-ness.

Anyway, i was really seething with anger while eating my fish and chips at Swensons. I wanted to walk up to her and tell her off. But i didn't. I needed a plan on how to deal with her behaviour. It was getting extremely hard to look her in the eye without disdain, so i avoided looking at her altogether.

I realised that she has this thought of herself being righteous, straight forward, well-liked, easy going and may i say adventurous. But the number of people i heard her complained about and fell out with, well..  She likes to be in control, albeit subtle way. And is certainly not as straight forward as me. So because she thinks she is that perfect person that she is, it is always someone else's fault..regardless. That's what i call delusional acceptance. "I accept that i am a person without flaws, therefore there is no need for me to improve, i accept that this IS me and the best IS already here". That's under a delusion..in my opinion. And unfortunately..that would mean no improvement and growth as a person.

Gossiping is also an insecure behaviour. Putting others down to feel superior because "I'm DA BEST" haha And I'm not so angry with her today because i accept that gossiping about everyone and anyone is a character flaw driven from a rather small heart cum small mind. That is enough reason to garner sympathy from me instead of anger. Also, i cannot be selfish, i need to look at the big picture and maintain harmony in the family. I need to teach proper family values to Samuel,  therefore, i will let this slide. No one is perfect and I'm guilty of gossiping too.

I do have this feeling that I'm pyscho-ing myself to let go and stay calm lol

31 December 2015 - Last day of 2015

December had been hectic. It is my favourite month, next to November. This is the time of the year where people are more relaxed and Christmas trees spring up everywhere. Orchard road is lighted up in neon lights and stars are hanging on lamp posts. People are buying presents and there are many gift papers in lovely designs. Everything is so dreamy and cheerful.

And so Winnie rang me up in November to ask if i could volunteer to be part of the make up team for our church's Christmas's production . I agreed..almost immediately. This was the closest i can get to serving God. Because i am not with any cell groups, not a celebration host, car park warden or Sunday school teacher.  Besides this year, Mr Brown was taking part in the play as well. This would be the second time that we are working together in the same production. And so, there were rehearsals and 3 days of working on the production. I woke up at 5am on Christmas day and reported to the backstage at 6am, worked through the almost the whole day. When it all ended, i felt tired but fulfilled. I was given a MC on the 23 December to go for a Xray for this persistent cough. But i went ahead to work because it wouldn't be right to be on MC for work and report to church to serve God at 4pm. So.. i missed that Xray. 

As i am approaching my 40th birthday soon, i think i might have mid life crisis. I got emotional on the last day of Samuel's pre-school. I got emotional just thinking that it meant my mum will not be able to pick up Samuel and me after work, it also meant our dabao-ing days are over. We had the same routine for almost 5 years. And now, as a new chapter begins, we will have to find a different set of routine. I can see mum miss Samuel already. She gave him extra hugs whenever possible now. Everyday after work, she look forward to picking Samuel from church and then me. We will then decide where to get dinner for the whole family..Siglap, Bedok Reservoir, Bedok Central, Bedok mall, Bedok Point, Chai Chee, Bedok South and 110. Pasta Mania on special days and accompanying mum to buy clothes on some Fridays. I feel sad as i write this. 

I took leave from 4 Jan to 6 Jan to prepare for school. Samuel starts his primary school education and i have anxiety attacks. But if we won't be having anymore kids, this would be a momentous time for us. i want us to be there for him, in this new milestone. To be able to enjoy packing stuff for the first day of primary one, buying school uniforms, school shoes, socks, bag, books etc  While we were in Malaysia, I received a message from Edwin asking me if he could now reject the leave and if i need to be involved for all 3 days of school orientation. I was not amused and i was actually saddened by it. Maybe no matter how much i do or how hard i try, i will always be one of the scumbags. I took leave to spend more time with Samuel and be away from work, instead of going on a vacation. I thought that was a decent thing to do as his mother. To be there.

Looking for fulfilment and at 40, i do not know what else can i do... but i do know that when there is a will, there is a way. Always.

Happy New Year everyone. Have a blast.