31 December 2015 - Last day of 2015

December had been hectic. It is my favourite month, next to November. This is the time of the year where people are more relaxed and Christmas trees spring up everywhere. Orchard road is lighted up in neon lights and stars are hanging on lamp posts. People are buying presents and there are many gift papers in lovely designs. Everything is so dreamy and cheerful.

And so Winnie rang me up in November to ask if i could volunteer to be part of the make up team for our church's Christmas's production . I agreed..almost immediately. This was the closest i can get to serving God. Because i am not with any cell groups, not a celebration host, car park warden or Sunday school teacher.  Besides this year, Mr Brown was taking part in the play as well. This would be the second time that we are working together in the same production. And so, there were rehearsals and 3 days of working on the production. I woke up at 5am on Christmas day and reported to the backstage at 6am, worked through the almost the whole day. When it all ended, i felt tired but fulfilled. I was given a MC on the 23 December to go for a Xray for this persistent cough. But i went ahead to work because it wouldn't be right to be on MC for work and report to church to serve God at 4pm. So.. i missed that Xray. 

As i am approaching my 40th birthday soon, i think i might have mid life crisis. I got emotional on the last day of Samuel's pre-school. I got emotional just thinking that it meant my mum will not be able to pick up Samuel and me after work, it also meant our dabao-ing days are over. We had the same routine for almost 5 years. And now, as a new chapter begins, we will have to find a different set of routine. I can see mum miss Samuel already. She gave him extra hugs whenever possible now. Everyday after work, she look forward to picking Samuel from church and then me. We will then decide where to get dinner for the whole family..Siglap, Bedok Reservoir, Bedok Central, Bedok mall, Bedok Point, Chai Chee, Bedok South and 110. Pasta Mania on special days and accompanying mum to buy clothes on some Fridays. I feel sad as i write this. 

I took leave from 4 Jan to 6 Jan to prepare for school. Samuel starts his primary school education and i have anxiety attacks. But if we won't be having anymore kids, this would be a momentous time for us. i want us to be there for him, in this new milestone. To be able to enjoy packing stuff for the first day of primary one, buying school uniforms, school shoes, socks, bag, books etc  While we were in Malaysia, I received a message from Edwin asking me if he could now reject the leave and if i need to be involved for all 3 days of school orientation. I was not amused and i was actually saddened by it. Maybe no matter how much i do or how hard i try, i will always be one of the scumbags. I took leave to spend more time with Samuel and be away from work, instead of going on a vacation. I thought that was a decent thing to do as his mother. To be there.

Looking for fulfilment and at 40, i do not know what else can i do... but i do know that when there is a will, there is a way. Always.

Happy New Year everyone. Have a blast.