11 May 2016 - Feeling Stupid.

Al***a is a shit line card.  One of the PM is clueless about what is going on and the other one is on an emotional roller coaster ride all the time.

I just heard the most absurd thing. Which is so manipulative.

I was happily pregnant after a miscarriage the year before.  And then i have to lose it again.  Indirectly because of Ms Inferiority Complex.  Al***a was going through a price increase and I didn't want her to face all the work alone because she was going through depression.  So despite the doctor's advice to be bedridden, i chose to work.. til late into the night. Because she was crazy emotionally at that time and she took it out on me, most probably unconsciously and unintentionally.  (But i take responsibility for not heeding the doctor's advice too) I never told her she contributed to my stress because i didn't want to hurt her with guilt.  It was only recently when i talked about the miscarriage that i found out from Siyun about something that bothered me. While i was on hospital leave, Ms Inferiority Complex told everyone (Kimchi, Siyun, Priscillia, Amy Woo etc etc) not to contact me so as not to upset me. She painted the picture to everyone that i was contacting no one but her.  Screw that. I was replying everyone's message EXCEPT hers.  And this behaviour meant that she was in denial and so selfishly still thinking of herself.  It is more important to let everyone think she is my only source of contact because we are so close than to let anyone show me some concern. Maybe because of guilt.  But this is so selfish.

She must have realised she was going through some sort of craziness at that time. Because once I'm back to work, she went to Beijing to work for a week.  And when she is back from Beijing, she took sick leave for a week.. for being mentally unsound.  No kidding. She said so herself. She said she was vomiting water and losing appetite.  What a loser.  And i was actually encouraging her to be strong.  I was the one who should be feeling depressed after a second loss.  I almost hate myself for being so stupid for a fleeting moment.

Ms Inferiority Complex is like a bottomless pit, never satisfied, never confident, always feeling inferior, always jealous and most of all..never grateful.  I realised i wanted to help her find confidence and be strong not because i see her as a friend.  She will never make it to be my friend based on my criteria.  Just pity.  And a firm belief that everyone should love themselves.  That's why i feel a need to take care of her.  But for how long?

But then again, i do not feel bitterness..the truth hurts but it also sets me free. I know how i should deal with her more effectively now.  I need to be sure i do not get suck in to the black hole of her depression or anxiety attacks.

Life is colourful and it actually makes me a better person than myself yesterday because these people are walking around for me to observe. It teaches me how to be a better human being.