29 May, 2015 - Dad's Death Anniversay

6 years ago on this very day in the wee hours, Pa breathed his last breath. This year, 29 May fell on a Friday, which is the day he passed away. And my heart was heavy today.

The whole event is still so vivid in my mind. Fell on Monday, went ICU, we practically stayed the whole week at CGH and ate at Delifrance. I hid in the private toilet at the ICU level, knelt down and pray. Every single day at every opportunity.

The nurse told us on Wednesday to ask our dad if he has any last wishes, we didn't.. for fear that he would feel scared and lose the will to live. We struggled to tell Jervis to come back from Iceland because we didn't know what else we could do. We hadn't tell him cos we didn't want him to be worried.  Pa fell into a coma on Thursday and he never woke up anymore. And on Thursday night, I wanted to stay in CGH with my Jervoise but he refused to let me stay as i was heavily pregnant then. He told me "Jie, jiang zhen de lo, wo men zai deng shen mo"?  A miracle. Pa needed a miracle to survive a spine injury, cancer and wake up from coma. As i am typing...i am also tearing in the eyes. I never said good bye or told him I love him. I never asked him what were his wishes. The last time i saw him at home was when i rushed home from work after Jervoise called me to say Pa had a fall. I saw him looking at me in a dazed, being carried out in a stretcher...alive and sitting up.

After he passed away, they moved Pa out of the ICU and left him in a waiting room. Waiting for us. I remember looking at the oxygen bag wishing it was moving again, like blowing into a balloon in and out.  When people die, the body is really just a body. The body becomes an "It". No more identity on Earth. Cease to exist.

The rest of the day was a blur, Pa is not coming home anymore. Not talking to us anymore, not eating with us anymore, no more birthday celebrations on 25 Feb anymore.  I think the only reason that i ate my meals was Samuel. In my grief, my baby still has to grow.

I was very sad.. because Pa told us on Tuesday that he wants to go for the chemo session on Friday. He wanted to get well, he wanted to see Samuel. The pastor told him a few weeks before that he will live to see the next generation. I guess the next generation was not Samuel but Matthew and Joshua. If heaven is for real, then Pa is with Matthew and Joshua.

If we go through life having gone through trials and tribulations, pain and sadness, we learn how to appreciate just by being alive. We practice gratitude every day and not sweat the small stuff. I'm still learning. It's new everyday.

Jervoise flew to Mongolia yesterday, he just reached and met Alisa 30mins ago.  Jervis is working late in the office today. Jeffrey and me went to the gym.  Mummy and Samuel stayed at home watching TV.  Life is normal.

Pa, we miss you.

28 May, 2015 - The case of the mysterious condom

Where i work, we have cubicles after cubicles of work stations. Which is a common sight, most offices comprise of cubicles, desks, chairs and computers, documents, files, stationeries and of cos human beings lol

In the middle of one cluster of cubicles, sits a condom in a little container. It is on top of the partitions that divide 4 co-workers. No one knew who it belongs to, perhaps no one knew it's a condom even, because it doesn't look like one. I knew, because the owner once sat in one of the cubicles and he told me.

I found in amusing cos the condom has been there year after year even after the owner has changed seats. Oh but someone tried to throw it away once and i stopped her...for old times sake.  Sometimes i do think if the 4 ladies sitting at these 4 cubicles have wonder who is the owner. It's like A thought it belongs to B, B thought it belongs to C and C thought it belongs to D and D thought it belongs to A.  There can be other combination like B thought it belongs to D, etc etc  

And i thought it's like life..we often wonder of so many possibilities but we are passive and we don't ask..so we will never find out the truth. And the truth can be quite simple sometimes.

Anyway..it's just a condom in a little container for now. 

20 May, 2015 - one in six hundred and ninety-nine

I saw an article on The Straits Times yesterday that there were 699 applicants vying for 40 seats to be part of the professional conversion programme for social workers. I was really just one of the statistics. Felt a strange tinge of sadness when i read that article and i console myself that at least i managed to secure an interview with AMK FSC, a big organisation. Just that i didn't make it. I still wonder what went wrong, what was it that i say or didn't say. The HR did not reply my email asking for their feedback, asshole.

Care Corner has been contacting me to volunteer for couples in transnational marriages - a marriage between a Singaporean and a foreigner. I am not keen as it sounds very bo liao and Care Corner is one of the FSC that say they will call me up for an interview and it never happened. I feel very buay song. I want so badly to be a social worker and i was almost close to begging for a placement and i ended up at the mercy of "i can't think of an appropriate word to describe who". But when i switched to be a volunteer, which essentially means free labour at my own personal time, they call me almost everyday despite me not replying to their messages and not calling back. I know this is the harsh reality of an economically driven world but i really can't help feeling buay song.  I know i might have screwed my chance with Care Corner by being kuai lan but i couldn't help it to get even in my own childish way.  But just because i come free in this context doesn't mean i come easy. Just saying.

Seriously, according to the report, we have so many people wanting to be social workers so how is it that the industry has a lack of potential employees. That guy from AMK FSC must have got his facts wrong.  If the generation is ageing, we need more people trained in health care for elderly and if the lifestyle we are leading causes terminal diseases, we need more doctors, nurses, medical social workers etc etc  It's a booming industry! One that does not bring up the GDP growth in Singapore.

I think i might need to lie low for awhile...until I'm quite sure my name/resume has been wiped out in the records of AMK FSC and Care Corner. Maybe better luck next time.

Gosh i feel so sad. But i counter this with a new hair cut. They say when you look good, you feel good. That's true. Thanks Rubes! For going to the salon with me, i really enjoy going to the salon with you together. Because to be honest, you are bitchy enough to put your opinions across to Timen in whatever way you want while i keep the bitch in me where it's supposed to be hahahaha plus you always remind me to say NO to over the top hair styles :)

Bitches be like yay

16 May, 2015 - "Sorry, it's raining"

We had a company event bowling yesterday and my whole body is aching..gosh..i wish i didn't have a slip disc. Edwin sent me to church to pick Samuel from school and i am really grateful as it is difficult to get a cab on Friday evenings, it was really very kind of him as he was actually sending some colleagues from finance instead.

The bowling was fun, i like it when the whole company have fun. No politics, just everyone getting together and having fun. I read through some of my past blog entries and realised i had really enjoyed working here, i like my colleagues. We used to hang out after work, celebrate birthdays as a marketing team, there was no 你家, 我家.. Marketing-Pemco was a great place to be back then, we were more friends than colleagues. It's quite different now but i feel that it's because no one bothers to get everyone together and work as a team, instead, people at the middle management have their own personal agendas, hence the great divide. That's office politics when there is a diverse bunch of characters but there are always angels lurking around at every corners :)

Jfk brought us to a small coffeeshop in Serangoon for lunch. This coffeeshop has a stall that sells great char kuey tiao. Me and Samuel chose wanton mee instead, and sat at the table near the pavement of the coffeeshop. Halfway through our meal, it started to drizzle and then it started pouring. Our table was near the pavement so the roller blinds could only shelter half of the table. An elderly gentleman, i presumed is the coffeeshop owner, came over to us and asked if we wanted to shift to a table inside the coffeeshop. But we were almost done so we rejected his offer politely. He kept apologising to us as the rain pelted the table. He had already apologised when it drizzled..it was almost like he was really sorry the rain disrupted our lunch. I thought what a gracious person he must be, saying sorry for something that is not even his fault. If he really had to feel sorry, he could only feel sorry that the roller blinds were not adequate in shielding his customers from the rain. But i think even that is not his fault as he is not liable to provide a shelter on the pavement as that is public property.

I wonder about the word "sorry".. and the word "thank you".  Both words have to come from the bottom of our hearts, we have to really mean it and be sincere about it. Not all the time i guess...things happen and that's life.

12 May 2015 - 15 years wedding anniversary

Jfk and me took 2 days leave to celebrate our wedding anniversary. It has been 15 years since we signed on that marriage cert and 21 years since we got together. From the fresh faced 18 years old that we were, to life hardened 39 years old. I feel very blessed to be able to share our lives together and have a lovely son.

We went for a movie in Lido, ..about a woman who would never grow old after a car accident. Then had lunch at a korean BBQ restaurant in Bugis. Jfk booked one night stay in a new boutique hotel, Park Sovereign hotel-Tyrwhitt. We went for dinner at Sam's favourite restaurant, Pastamania at City Square mall. After that, we lazed in the room with a small garden balcony. 

Today, we went for a morning swim in the mini infinity pool at the hotel. After checking out of the hotel at 1pm, we ate Truffle fries at the bar, Babette, in the hotel's lobby. Next was Johor :) shopped in KSL and had a very late lunch at Ajisen Ramen.  

Then it's home sweet home. 

The biggest surprise that Jfk gave me was a white leather watch from Coach! I really didn't expect him to give me this pressie together with a card :)) And he wrote so many things in the card, which is so unlike him haha

I am really grateful for having such a loving family. 

7 May 2015 - The art of dabao-ing

In my family, we hardly get home cooked food. My mum picks Samuel from school every evening and then pick me from work. After that, the three of us will decide where to dabao dinner for everyone. Dabao means buying takeaways. It seems like an easy task, just settle on a place, and buy six takeaways and do it five days a week. Since we can't all eat chicken rice or wanton mee for every dinner, we need to think of different places to buy our dinner.  I told Samuel we are the dabao kings hahaha

When mum is feeling adventurous, we will drive to the coffeeshop at Siglap. Else, we will buy from the coffeeshop near her apartment. This coffeeshop is very small, there is a mixed vegetable (菜饭)stall - this word "mixed vegetable rice" never fails to amuse me, a chicken rice stall, a western food stall, a fish ball noodle stall, a tze char stall, a satay/Otah stall and of cos the drinks stall. Mum dislikes this coffeeshop because she thinks there is no variety. But whenever i suggest the hawker at bedok central, she nags that the carpark is horrible and it's a long walk blah blah but she will go because there is po piah for Jervis. I love buying food here because i can buy everyone's favourite food. Just that i have to queue a few different stalls. Queuing is a national past time..no?

Jervoise - eats most things as long as it's meat, no seafood, no vegetables, love fast food
Jervis - no carbo, nothing fried, not oily, not salty, anything healthy
Samuel - char siew rice, fish ball noodles, pork chop with rice, hor fun, fried rice, lor mai kai, bread, cheese burger, carborana pasta, char siew bao
Jfk - eats most things except spicy and no vegetables
Mum - see her mood
me - after catering to everyone else, depends on what i can eat at the coffeeshop

With the above criteria in mind, i need to decide on the best place to get what i need. Buying nasi lemak and chicken rice are no brainer choice because everyone gets the same thing. It's the mixed vegetable rice that is troublesome. I need to order 6 packets of rice and very quickly tell the stall owner what dishes for each packet to cater to individual taste.  Very quickly because usually at this time, there will be a long queue behind me, and the stall owner has a momentum of packing the dishes, i cannot break his momentum else it will slow him down.. and he will be annoyed. And i feel stressed at times, cos while i am glancing at the wide spread of food still deciding, he goes "ah 來" many times.  Tze char is easier cos i just need to decide on hor fun, fried rice or sing chow beehoon. So is Macdonald and Burger king.

I enjoy doing this some days, because dinner has been carefully selected with love.  Some days, i am so tired and dabao-ing seems like a chore. It's worst when i am not appreciated for buying dinner and i get the occasional complaints like "huh buy char siew again?" or "why you never say dunwan vegetable?" etc etc But i remind myself about how many 39-years-olds get to have their mums pick them from work and buy dinner together? And at 66, my mum is still able to drive her way around, that is a blessing.

That's the art of dabao-ing...from the dabao king lol

4 May 2015 - Wondering about all the "what ifs"

I caught some re-runs of Sex and the city on TV last night and i missed my bak bak sisters. Yes, sisters, i do miss you gals.  I miss our conversations about life in general, about fashion, our men, family, work, colleagues and friends, without being judged. Sometimes, i do feel i fared the worst among the three of us. I didn't study hard enough to get into a University. And I didn't have the tenacity nor foresight to enrol myself in school to get that elusive degree when i just started work. I just worked and worked and worked, thinking earning money with this diploma of mine to pay for that HDB flat, have a wedding and settle down was the one singular way to live my life. Occasionally i wonder what would have been, if i hadn't settle down so early, travel more to see the world. But it isn't practical to think about "what Ifs" now. We can only look forward and reminisce about the past.

A typical way in Singapore would be to get a cert, get a job, work nine to five, five days a week, pay bills, spend weekends at our parents place, catch up with relatives during Chinese New Year, blah blah blah  Maybe it is like that everywhere else in all the first world countries. People forgot to live, forgot to treasure just the basics in life, forgot to be contented.

I AM VERY MUCH AWARE I AM A BLESSED WOMAN. WITH A WONDERFUL HUSBAND, A HEALTHY AND HAPPY SON, A CLOSE KNITTED FAMILY, A ROOF OVER MY HEAD, AND THE ABILITY TO MAKE CHOICES.

But the more i wonder, the more restless my thoughts are. So...end of wondering.

On my way to work this morning, i saw a mother seated at the park with a pre-schooling child standing in front of her. The mother was fidgeting with her phone while the child was playing by himself. I like the scene. Morning, mother and child. It would be perfect minus the phone. I wonder what were they doing in the park. Were they waiting for the daddy? Are they enjoying the time spent together before going to school and work? Were they Singaporeans? I am very kaypoh.

Usually in the daytime, i have a hundred and one things that i want to document into this journal blog of mine.  But by the time i get home and switch on my laptop, i get a mental block. Dang it.