6 years ago on this very day in the wee hours, Pa breathed his last breath. This year, 29 May fell on a Friday, which is the day he passed away. And my heart was heavy today.
The whole event is still so vivid in my mind. Fell on Monday, went ICU, we practically stayed the whole week at CGH and ate at Delifrance. I hid in the private toilet at the ICU level, knelt down and pray. Every single day at every opportunity.
The nurse told us on Wednesday to ask our dad if he has any last wishes, we didn't.. for fear that he would feel scared and lose the will to live. We struggled to tell Jervis to come back from Iceland because we didn't know what else we could do. We hadn't tell him cos we didn't want him to be worried. Pa fell into a coma on Thursday and he never woke up anymore. And on Thursday night, I wanted to stay in CGH with my Jervoise but he refused to let me stay as i was heavily pregnant then. He told me "Jie, jiang zhen de lo, wo men zai deng shen mo"? A miracle. Pa needed a miracle to survive a spine injury, cancer and wake up from coma. As i am typing...i am also tearing in the eyes. I never said good bye or told him I love him. I never asked him what were his wishes. The last time i saw him at home was when i rushed home from work after Jervoise called me to say Pa had a fall. I saw him looking at me in a dazed, being carried out in a stretcher...alive and sitting up.
After he passed away, they moved Pa out of the ICU and left him in a waiting room. Waiting for us. I remember looking at the oxygen bag wishing it was moving again, like blowing into a balloon in and out. When people die, the body is really just a body. The body becomes an "It". No more identity on Earth. Cease to exist.
The rest of the day was a blur, Pa is not coming home anymore. Not talking to us anymore, not eating with us anymore, no more birthday celebrations on 25 Feb anymore. I think the only reason that i ate my meals was Samuel. In my grief, my baby still has to grow.
I was very sad.. because Pa told us on Tuesday that he wants to go for the chemo session on Friday. He wanted to get well, he wanted to see Samuel. The pastor told him a few weeks before that he will live to see the next generation. I guess the next generation was not Samuel but Matthew and Joshua. If heaven is for real, then Pa is with Matthew and Joshua.
If we go through life having gone through trials and tribulations, pain and sadness, we learn how to appreciate just by being alive. We practice gratitude every day and not sweat the small stuff. I'm still learning. It's new everyday.
Jervoise flew to Mongolia yesterday, he just reached and met Alisa 30mins ago. Jervis is working late in the office today. Jeffrey and me went to the gym. Mummy and Samuel stayed at home watching TV. Life is normal.
Pa, we miss you.
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