'Quiet Time' from Kasia Kedzia

Insult to Injury to Mercy, Repeat

I never really had tantrums as a child, but I have had many a spiritual tantrum as a Christian. I’m just stubborn and can distrust God’s love for me. I lose sight of his mercy and take his grace for granted. As I look back at the past few weeks, even months, it is only know that I can see how God has always been there even when I was fighting Him.

Psalm73 (NIV) 21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, 22 I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. 23 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.

My friend recently shared this scripture with me and it dawned on me, God holds my hand even when I am out of control! He holds on tight, while like the brat I can be I dig my heels into the ground and won’t budge, while I struggle and pull and tug and even try to get free! Despite all this, He holds on tight and he protects me and even blesses me! Earlier in this Psalm verses 3-7 address how warped in thinking I can get in envying the world and wanting things of the world – thinking they will make me happy or grant me some sort of legitimacy, but God’s love is overwhelming even in my blind moments when he squeezes my hand all the tighter and shows me the truth.


24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 27 Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. 28 But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

I have to dig deep inside to see the good things God has created deep within me. These things are meant to be taken care of, treasured and nurtured.

Psalm 139 (NIV) 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Each of has been created in this way. God has placed secret wonders in our hearts and an un-matching beautiful spirit within each of us. When I envy what the world has to offer or what others have, I lose sight of God’s mercy and I insult the Spirit of grace. When I don’t cherish my heart and value it, I take away from everything that God has saved me from. He saved me so that I could be secure in him and understand a love most people can’t even fathom- the love he describes in the Psalms above. With this love, I no longer have to get security form external sources. When I seek it from anything or anyone but Him I turn away from what He has given me at such an incredible price.

Heb10 (NIV) If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"F43 and again, "The Lord will judge his people."F44 31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. 3! 2Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering.

When a friend pointed this scripture out I was cut to the heart. I have often shown this to non-Christians in Bible studies and have read it many times and yet this was the first time I read it and saw how it applied to me. The mercy and grace God has been pouring out on me is not endless. If I take it for granted and abuse it, there will come a time when He can take it away. The worst thing I can do is to insult the Spirit of grace and the scripture says it is like I am trampling Jesus under my feet. This passage read in this new light has given me a whole new context for guarding my heart as I have given it to people and/or invested it in other things way too quickly in the past. Our hearts are the most precious things to God and therefore no wonder they are the most attacked, the most deceived and the most broken. It’s so funny to me how v32 even suggests the solution of how to fight this battle. Remembering my early days as a Christian helps me to return to the understanding of God’s love. I fall in love with God all over again and begin to shift the focus off of myself and back to the mission. He has given me amazing gifts and I need to respect His spirit by using them. I return in prayer, in memories, in dreams and it inspires me. It allows me to make God, my only God again.

“I am no longer looking to the one who hurt me to make it up to me. I am not waiting for this person to change or apologize. I release them from having to make me O.K. I make the decision to look to God to make things right in my life. The person who hurt me is no longer God in my life.” [ Hunters, Brenda, In the Company of Women, Sisters Oreg.: Multnomah, 1994.]


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Author's Bio:
Gods brought me a long way from the New York City Housing Projects. I studied the Bible, repented, and was baptized for the forgiveness of my sins when I was 17 and have been repenting and striving towards heaven ever since. The hardest thing about becoming a Christian at 17 was trusting that God would take care of me, meet my emotional teen needs, and help me overcome my enormous insecurities…what else would a teen girl have trouble with? Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It’s the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him. Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God’s word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.