14 June, 2007 - Crappy Mood

i finally found my little black book (it's really a little black colour notebook bought from the now defunct Emporium) of Maine's thoughts that i started keeping since 25 June 1992...when i was a 15 year old teenager. My last entry, PT. 151, was dated 15 June 1999. As i read through what i have written, i discovered myself all over again..seems like i have not changed much. Just as queer, as emotional, as dreamy, as crappy as can be and bla bla..

Some of my entries...
25 June 1992:
PT.4 - I cannot explain myself, I'm not sure how exactly my mind works. Complicated.

PT. 32 - I hope to share my life with God and live by the Bible. Happiness is within my reach if i believe in Him. (i have strayed for so long and i am touched that His love persues me unrelentlessly..)

PT. 38 - Freedom is something i value a lot but yet too much of it could be disastrous. As long as i'am surrounded by people, i can never be totally free.

20 March 1993:
PT. 56 - Get rid of fear by doing what i want to do and finding that i can handle it.

2 September 1993:
Life is harsh because the world is what people mould it into. People are chasing after one same dream basically. And chasing that dream becomes a hard reality because the world becomes the society that we all lived in and society is ruled by mankind's own standard way of living. How horrible, but that's what life is all about. (Seriously speaking, i wonder what was i thinking about when i wrote this..)

3 September 1993:
PT. 72 - It's funny when you see people around you changed and you find that you can't have the same kind of relationship with them anymore. Actually, it hurts and pains me but all i can say is nothing is eternal.

PT. 74 - Sometimes i wonder if it's possible to live life without depending on others in any way. But the answer seems to be NO. Because that's what the world is mainly made up of - People.

18 September 1993:
PT. 81 - I find that everybody has a good side and bad side of them. And people are more than willing to harp on your bad side than your good side.

12 October 1994:
PT. 83 - I hate hypocrites! ( i still passionately do + selfish people)

PT. 94 - Much as i hate the action of making use of others, i found out that in reality, everybody is doing that. I hope i won't turn out that way.

*Maybe i am a loner who doesn't like being one! Weird (really wonder what was i thinking at 17)

24 November 1994:
PT. 101 - In a sense we need to be able to live without something in order to have it - that is to become emotionally unattached.

12 December 1994:
*Sometimes i wonder how many people think so much like me. My best friends don't seem to be wondering about life. They simply live it. Lucky for me, i know i am normal cos' Meng thinks about such stuff too. I do think i'm a bit "boh liao" but sigh, that's just me. (pity i lost Meng's contact when he moved away...)

25 December 1994:
PT. 124 - A time to remember, Jesus died on the cross for our sins. A time to give and take, forgive and let live.

29 December 1996:
PT. 145 - It's going to be a new year soon. Each time an old year is going, i would feel very sad. It's like it's gone forever and becoming nothing but memories. I really love the months of October, November and December. (i still do...)

19 March 1999:
PT. 149 - I think i have become more hardened in my character. But i had better be careful because harden stuff can be brittle. I might break down easily too. But i guess there's still a part of me that lives in fantasy, to live unrealistically.

And from my last entry til now..it has been almost 8 years..so many things have happened during these 8 years and i have become stonger but still dreamy...i would like to imagine that i have retained some of that childlike quality in me...stronger but not hardened, dreamy but more practical. The only thing that bothers me is about being too emotional. I am still easily affected by people around me...just like PT. 38.

I feel moody today cos' i realised that 9 persons are quitting and 4 are from the marketing team. I know it's really none of my business but i cannot help it but feel sad. I remind myself that it's common for staff movement in such a big company and considering the number of people working here, 9 persons leaving is no big deal. Though i knew that these things happen in an MNC especially so for the top few distys here, I AM still affected. But my consolation is, they are leaving for better opportunities and these opportunities are gained from working here...more exposure, more networking, more business relationships = more opportunities. My "satelite" is so small..i need to widen the coverage area..i really need to force myself to be more talkative and build more relationships..i should not live in my own world as and when i want to when i work. I NEED A YAK-YAK mode permanently switch on from 9 to 6, Mondays to Fridays keke since i am being brain washed into "building relationships so that things work out easier bla bla bla.."

Moody also because of some other stuff...darn it..so many things happened today..and i took the train aimlessly after having dinner with Yvonne and Justine. They are really nice and funny haha been such a long time i went out wif new frens and felt comfortable about making small talks...there were a few awkward silence but i talk rubbish to kill it..practice makes perfect :)