13 December, 2015 - John Lennon and Yoko Ono

I got curious about John Lennon and his love for his wife this weekend. He was assassinated on the 8th Dec 1980 and Yoko saw him fell down onto the floor after getting shot. Five shots, to be exact. He was 40 when he died, the moment a famous person died uneventfully, he/she is almost immediately immortalised. Which is strange because people die all the time, everyday.

He was part of the Beatles and they were one big band back in those days. The Beatles fans didn't like Yoko because they thought she broke up the band. But I think he was the one who was obsessed with her. He brought her everywhere and he constantly wants her by his side.  Plus, he was as asshole. I read somewhere that he made fun of disabled people and dig at his fellow band mates whenever possible.

Anyways..why do most artistic people have warped characters?

Let it be..let it be, let it be oh let it be..  Let it go, let it go...OOPS

9 December 2015 - Mid life crisis?

40 is a big number to me where i am now.  It's mid life if i live up to 80. And if i don't, i do not have many years 10 years left.

What memories did i create for myself in my teens, 20s and 30s? I spent most of my early 20s working with 2 bitches, Cecilia and Catherine. And a horny bastard. But no regrets, else i wouldn't have been exposed to the colourful world of doing business in China. It is addictive, if one has no self control. And of cos dating with my then boyfriend. Boyfriend sounds like a younger word than husband. Saving up to buy our own place and our own car. Having a job meant having money to spend on drinking, eating and making myself look "nerd free". A job was just that, a money making machine to finance my "live in the moment' type of life. 

30s was discovering and accepting that I'm just that. Dad died from cancer. Family ties. Motherhood. Love. Miscarriages. Weddings. Birth. Death. Cancer. People can actually just drop dead on any other day. These are some major events, i didn't mention the many happiness that i have. Maybe if i mention it, devil would read it because he is hovering above my laptop floating around. He might think this girl has too much happiness on her plate and he will come and kill, steal and destroy. F**k devil.

40-ing soon. No more babies. No one understands how i feel. I hate to hear "aiya bla bla bla"

This is a bad entry, it's all over the place. The thoughts are all in my head but i can't express them out in order. Properly. And I'm feeling weird now, that's for sure. 

If i have a choice, i would pack my bags and go London to get away from it all..oh with Jfk and Sam. I do not even know what is that "all". Or the easier alternative is to hole up at home and hide for a week or 2. At least there is lower risk of me getting killed by terrorists while travelling. Is this better than choosing a mask to wear everyday? A happy mask, a happier mask, a talkative mask, a friendly mask, a oh-i-am-so-excited mask, a nice and sweet mask. There are many people i wish i can throw a plate of spaghetti over their head, spicy ones like Aglio Olio so that their eyes will sting from chilli or pepper but i act smiley smiley and maintain a cordial front. I am so bloody fake.

Small... i am.

Oh how i love the Beatles. And everything British. 

28 October 2015 - Emo

Today was one of those day that i felt emotional at work. I was being cornered by people who tried to tai-ji. I hate the feeling of being cornered to do the tasks that other people refused to even try. If you are able to lift your finger and make an effort to they to make the whole process a better one, and help someone, why won't you try? I felt angry. People can be so selfish and senseless. So..i wrote out a few harsh emails, direct and it sounded angry. But i cannot deal with such selfish attitudes and i started to draw boundaries with all the stupid assholes.  The terrible behaviour of showing me selfishness made my chest became tight cos i was overwhelmed with anger and exasperation. Boundaries made me feel balanced.

I was restless. And for a moment, i miss Sean. Lunch escapades to nice food and more nice food. Talk nonsense and laugh. The gentle demeanour. On the last week of his notice period, i told him i will miss him. And he said "I'm just a few blocks away from you". He meant it literally.

At this moment on my bed, i willed myself to cry. By thinking of Matthew and Joshua, and how bad my life would be if i lose my family. Crying releases all the pent up negative emotions and cleanses the soul. An hour ago, Samuel has trouble falling asleep and he started crying and said "i keep on crying, it's a sad day today" hahaha  Talk about being connected.

I really should sleep now.

Random Thoughts

This post is very late. We have since bought a new washing machine.  :)

We went to the 24 hours laundry shop in Hougang this afternoon again. There are 3 washing machines for laundries up to 11kg and 3 other washing machines for laundries up to 17kg. At the other corner, there are 6 dryers. There is a row of chairs just opposite the washing machines. There is a ceiling fan, a wall mounted fan, 2 small tables, clothes baskets and a coin dispenser.

We were here last Saturday after the elections on Friday. I'm not sure if i had been sensitive but the atmosphere seemed sombre haha After all, the Worker's Party didn't win big in Hougang this time round.

Sitting in the laundry shop makes me feel more down to earth somehow. I like to sit and stare at the washing machine. Sssuuuusshhhing away, washing our clothes. People walk in and out of the shop. I wonder where do they live, what do they do for a living, what will they do after doing the laundry etc.

In the laundry shop, i can stone. Basically we are stuck at that area to do nothing except to wash our laundry and have lunch. I feel awesome to be able to walk from our car to the laundry shop carrying our big bag of laundry. It reminds me that we are alive and together as a family. We are able to make the choice of having lunch at the coffeeshop with Samuel..before he grows up and lead a life of his own. Time waits for no one.

24 August, 2015 - Life..as it is

Life is like a gift, we never know what is inside unless we open it.

We just got back from a family trip to KL yesterday evening and I must say, it had been a really much awaited trip together as a family...my family.  It is not easy to get both Jervoise and Jervis to travel together because both have very different habits when it comes to traveling. The last trip together was to Malacca and that was almost 3 years ago.

I saw a mother carrying a baby, about 3 months old, sitting by the roadside begging for money. The baby, wrapped in a piece of dirty linen, was fast asleep on the mother's lap. Which mother would carry her newborn begging on a polluted street unless she was being driven to desperation. I have wondered, for a split second, if that was even her baby, or was she just part of a syndicate. But i felt sadness in my heart. Sad that there were people who lived in abundance and not counting their blessings and on the other spectrum, people were suffering and dying from hunger due to poverty.

Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression. I used too think that only losers get these. Because they have not been strong and because they allowed their negative state of mind to take control of themselves. This weekend, i came to my own conclusion that perhaps it is not the weaker human beings that could come under such attacks, these are some sort of mental sicknesses that cannot be controlled. These people need medication.

But after seeing all the beggars on the streets of KL, i have second thoughts. What if these people who have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression live in such conditions? Living in hunger, with no shelter, no money, no hope, no tomorrow. If you live in hunger everyday, would you still care for attention for vanity reasons, fear of losing precious love ones or items, sense of insecurity etc? Perhaps not. There will be different other worries such as "when would the next meal be?" etc. Because you don't own anything you won't have the fear of losing anything. Perhaps the only fear would be losing one's life. It is really with anger when i typed these words. Because if you think life is a bitch and you live in fear all the time, fear of getting hurt, fear of loss etc, it is as good as not living.

I know of someone, who is constantly under such attacks.  Let's call her W. W has been under anxiety attacks leading to depression so many times that i have lost count. And i sort of suffered due to her behaviours because she is my colleague in the same team..unfortunately.  W stays with her family and has a decent job. A job that probably pays well enough to put food on the table..obviously. W has irrational fears. Fears that are unfounded. Because i see W as a closer colleague (not close enough to share things about my family and close friends), i unknowingly fell victim to W's unreasonable behaviours..because i did care and in the process i subjected myself to emotional stress. And in 2013, i lost Matthew.. 2nd loss in 2 years. Of cos, i take responsibility for losing Matthew as I made the choice to prioritise work then.  I am adamant about not allowing W to abuse my care this time as i am sick of her wallowing in self pity - in my words not being emotional bullied by "someone who is not mentally sound". I see a soul-less person behind W's eyes. At least, i could still see desperation and sadness in the eyes of that beggar, i saw someone defeated by fate. For W, the soul is not in that body.

Before the trip to KL, I was thinking of ways to positively influence W but now i just see W as someone who fails to see the glass as half full all the time. Jfk had depression once, but he is family and i love him enough to want to be by his side regardless.  I guess i will probably still be there for W but i will need to draw the line from now on. And I have told her that i will and i am capable of dropping her like a hot potatoe if she starts her nonsense again. That was really my ultimatum. I felt instant relief after i said that :)

12 August, 2015 - SG50 National Day weekend

The long weekend is over..SG50 National Day weekend. Time flies past when we are having fun :)  We went to catch the fireworks at Jervis's office. The company has catered food for staff and family members, arranged for a photo booth and also spray paint tattoo. His office has a great view of the city. We could see almost the whole of Marina Bay Sands from the conference room area.

I love Singapore. I love being a Singaporean. I love it that i can speak English, Mandarin, Hokkien and Cantonese effectively. I am proud to be part of a very successful little island led by a man with a vision. With that vision, we grew and we grew and we grew. It is so amazing what the man did to change the fate of so many people past, present and future.

So we celebrated, we felt the warmth in our heart when we sang along to Kit Chan's rendition of Home and we felt so strongly that day, here is home, truly.

And then life goes on, we went back to work and we corresponded with the Malaysians, the Thais, The Filipinos, the Burmese, the Chinese and the Hong Kongers.  I am not a xenophobic but i do wish we do not have that many foreign talents crowding our country. Just saying..

Great to be born in Singapore :)

29 July, 2015 - Hospitals

Samuel had high fever over the weekend and it fluctuated between 37 degrees Celcius and 39.7 degrees Celcius. So i had to sponge him and feed him brufen and paracetamol alternately every 3 hours. And also to take his temperature. We had to do this on Friday night and Saturday night. And on Sunday, Jervoise hurt his back again..from a cough, while preparing to go to the Changi hospital to see our grandma with mum. So in the end Jfk and me sent him to Tan Tock Seng and we spent the whole afternoon sitting outside the waiting area in A&E while he gets treated. By the time we got back to mum's place, it was already 9pm. The whole time we at there, i saw almost 20 ambulances bringing people in. It is really a blessing to be healthy and alive and be able to walk, talk, breathe, eat, drink and sit.

Yesterday, i finally went to the doctor because the left side of my neck hurts. The pain started on Saturday but there was really no time to see the doctor with so many things to take care of. So i went on a Monday evening and the clinic refused to take in any more patients because it was closed, that was only 8.30 and the clinic is supposed to close only at 10pm. Damn. 

And so..the doctor said it was lymph nodes that was swollen and causing the pain. I had the cough for almost a month now. And he gave me a letter to go get an X-ray. I also got some antibiotics, cough pills, logenges and flu med. And i truly thank God that yesterday and today were not busy days at work. Because i really feel tired and drowsy..and just really tired.

Jervoise picked me up from work and we went to Changi hospital to visit grandma. She was hospitalised because her red blood cells were too low. As i stared at her face, i realised my grandma has aged alot. She used to wear cheongsums when i was younger and she was tall and regal. She could cooked up a storm and make fantastic soups. So typical of a Cantonese family. It's double boiled soup for every meal. It's a must. She looks frail and...aged. There were many fine lines on her face and she was playing Facebook haha I have never been close to her because she doted on Jervoise, i was just there because.  I had to eat char siew rice for lunch almost everyday after school because grandpa will buy that for us, because it was Jervoise's favourite food.  I hated char siew rice. I still do, must have given me a phobia. But YeYe and MaMa would bring Jervoise and me for long bus rides. I have memories of the 4 of us taking a double decker bus and feeling happy..in those days, there were no MRT yet. And after the rides, we would walk the long road back home in Geylang. Maybe the bus rides wasn't so long and the road home is not far, but when we were kids, the world looked alot bigger :) And there were many afternoons spent in the open air playground at the top level of parkway parade. I wish we had photos to show..but there are only memories. 

As i walked to the canteen in Changi hospital, it brought back memories. The last time i stepped foot in the canteen was 6 years ago, with mum and Auntie Eugenia..with Samuel in my womb.  The fishes in the pond were still as big as before. Pa used to sit at the bench and stared at the fishes and of cos to sneak a smoke. There was once when both of us sat there for half an hour..in silence, just staring at the fishes. But Qi Ji is gone..and so is the open air car park. The hospital is going through some renovation to make it more enticing. Duh. It's really not the place, the doctors and nurses have to buck up. Patients really do want to have accurate diagnosis, gets admitted and DISCHARGED. 

It had been an eventful week..with health issues for all. But all is well :)

22 July 2015 - Between getting things done and being liked

Sometimes, when I'm caught in undesirable situations, i would wonder what would Pastor Dominic or Mr Lee Kuan Yew have done if he faced the same situation as me.

Yesterday, Edwin told me i kena a complaint from a customer service from Penang. But i did what i did so that i can manage work in more efficient way. If i send you an *email asking you if this has been settled? If not, please let me know today so that i can work on it immediately. I thought this sounded courteous and factual.

Imagine if i sent out 50 of such emails at one shot in the morning, different groups of people would have received the emails and responded at separate times, giving me leeway to clear these emails effectively, efficiently and immediately. Instead of going through 50 emails with new ones coming in at the same time that i am trying to clear these 50 old emails sent when I'm on leave, which also means i would be swarmed. Which also mean it could already be the next day or the next by the time i get to the email sent while I'm out of office.

I was thinking about where is she coming from, besides the fact that she buay kam buang that she has to resend the email to me. And i decided that between giving the illusion that i am trying goddamn hard to clear these emails and get liked, or being selfish about it so that things get done efficiently but yet get a bad reputation, i chose the later. Because either ways, i will still get complained. Take too long to clear, kena complained for being slow. Seriously.. I would have a list of things to lodge complaints about them but i firmly believe that no one is perfect and as long as it is not life and death issue, we can close one eye and just live and let live.

But i had been kuai lan. I skyped her to ask if she has gotten all the needed DPAs. I was thinking if she replies, i will tell her that she should have cc me in the email as well, instead of doing it behind my back, i just wanted her to know i know but it was zzzzzzzz  what a bitch

I am surprised i wasn't angry, upset or feel lousy because it is a fact also that i was selfish too, to have inconvenienced her to resend her request. Not that i have become numb and thick skin about such things but more like because i made a choice which i think best help myself, i should not regret it. Every decision that we make in life comes with consequences, good or bad. And i really have to blog about this.. because i need to remember that no matter what we do, we can never really please everyone and if we try to please others, we will get burnt out emotionally and physically. Wah in this case, it would mean more overtime during the weekdays and possibly another Saturday's worth of work.  I would be burnt out and feeling guilty about not spending time with Samuel.  Goodness, the thought freak me out. At the end of the day, i am answerable to God and my conscience. And the conscience now says, play with Samuel.

Another quote from Mr Lee Kuan Yew which i thought so apt. for this post... of cos it is too far fetched for me to even think of comparing my situation to his. But this is really too inspiring not to post it here.

*email - it is not really emails but quote line requests sent via Oracle. We will get tracked if the requests are pending too long

17 July, 2015 - Am i a lousy mother?

As i am approaching 40, i have many mixed feelings. Not fear of growing old but fear of biological clock ticking away. I had a chat with Eunice when we were in the canteen of ACS having lunch. She is 41 and like me, she has only one son, Lucas. We both have days whereby we would be very firm and sure that one child was good enough and days when this belief waver.

Whenever Samuel plays his Lego set by himself, i truly think he is enjoying himself a lot until i see him dashing to the gate to see if our neighbour is back. And walks back to his Lego when he realised it is not Keller.. There are days he hugs me tightly and say "i wish i can have a didi, mummy, i will share my toys with him" And i will be reminded of Matthew and Joshua..and what it could have been. Lucas often make the request to have a sibling to his mother too.

Jfk and me were a pair of DINKS - dual income no kids couple. Samuel was an accident pregnancy and Jfk had said then that if we didn't plan on having any kids, we should abort it and never to regret it. But Samuel is like a forbidden fruit. We tasted parenthood and we enjoy every moment of it. And it is human nature to become greedy. We wanted another child and failed many times.

There are days when I am quite sure one child is enough since the world is so complicated and I don't really want to bring another human being to suffer on Earth. And there are days i got selfish harbouring the thought of bringing another human being to Earth because i want to go through the process of being a mother to a baby, a toddler and a pre-schooler..and breastfeed.

If i am in my early 30s, i think i will have no qualms about trying for another child without so much concerns. Eunice shared the same thought as me. Samuel and Lucas are both going primary 1 next year, it is a good age. We are now no longer sure if we want to go through the whole process of pregnancy and all. Anway, it is also not like i have a choice to become pregnant..

I was feeling guilty and emotional because i had not spend enough time with Samuel in the weekdays recently. I forgot all his spellings and 听写,  i didn't coach him at all. In the end, he got his 听写 almost all wrong. Instead, i spent more time at work in a dead end job and also time in the gym trying to get slimmer. A week ago, i was staring at my pc and i black out..Bryan came to my desk and asked me about ACS. Chatted abit about the school, student care and the school bus and then I don't know what got into me...i blah out that i am not a very good mother because my child has to go to student care after spending a whole morning in school. I thought i felt tears in my eyes..anyway he said quality time starts after work at 6pm on weekdays and weekends. The child will have a lot of activities in school and he will be so busy that he probably won't have that much time for his mother. A woman should continue to work blah blah blah.  Somehow i felt less guilty after hearing that, he was right.

I think it all started after Samuel told me "Mummy, i cannot take the school bus home because there is no one at home." I felt so sad after hearing that. I merely smiled and told him "student care would be fun as Lucas is there, both of you are good friends and you like him alot right?" Samuel smiled and gave me a tight hug and kiss my cheek, telling me how much he loves me. I love you alot too my precious child.

God, You know what i want badly, is it a "wait" now? Will it ever happen?

What an apt quote from Mr Lee Kuan Yew about working :)

16 July, 2015 - 6th birthday celebration

Samuel turned 6 today. He has grown so tall, reaching my shoulders already. It seems like just yesterday that i was still breastfeeding him. Mama pillow :)

Jfk and me took leave, we want to celebrate Samuel's birthday and make him a very happy child today. I hired a magician to perform in pre-school as this is the last year he gets to celebrate in school. The cost of hiring the magician was $330 and the cake cost $80.. not to mention the goody bags for Samuel's classmates, which cost about $60. Birthday parties are very expensive nowadays. 

All the K1 and K2 kids gathered in the music room and sang him a birthday song. I will miss this childcare centre when Samuel leaves at the end of the year.  The magic performance was 30mins and the balloon sculpting was an hour. After 30mins, the children from K1 and K2 Kindness left the music room and only K2 Gentleness stayed on. It was in chaos as the kids leave the room running, skipping and laughing. I was soaking in the atmosphere, i felt this was the last time i will get to celebrate my child's birthday in a childcare. 

Jfk decided that we should catch the movie Antman since Samuel wanted to watch that movie. So we went to catch it in Katong I12. After the movie, we went home to let Samuel rest. Flu and cough can be bothersome. 

We had dinner with my family at Canton Paradise in Bedok Mall later in the evening. It was a blessing to have Mum, Jervoise, Jervis, Jfk, Samuel and me sitting at the round table in the restaurant. It was just missing Pa and Alisa. Jervis bought a cake for Samuel. Samuel got two birthday cakes today :) My family means the world to me.

Samuel is indeed the biggest gift from God, for he is blessed with the intelligence and emotional maturity that Pa has prayed for. Thank You..

8 July, 2015 - Anglo-Chinese School

I am so happy today, i couldn't stoop smiling today. Today it's THE day. A very important day to us as we are going to enrol Samuel in ACS. It's like a dream come true, so surreal. I am very, very happy. I have no idea how are we going to work out our schedules and our time but I am very determined to give Samuel a head start in education..by not going to a neighbourhood school.  In Jervis's words "all your connections are made in your primary and secondary school. Your peers will greatly influence your ambitions in life one way or another." I thought there was some truth in it. Look at what i am doing.. and what the rest of my cousins are doing. All of them hailed from Hwa Chong, Raffles, Victoria, IB programs etc. All the jiak kantangs who can also speak ok mandarin here and there since they all took higher Chinese as a subject. And they are smart, very smart. Seriously, i pale in comparison, like very pale.  :(

Geylang Methodist is not exactly a neighbourhood school...  but i don't like it. Maybe because of the "Geylang". The only thing i like is the word Methodist, because of this, it is considered affiliated to ACS. I'm a sucker.

Side tracked.. maybe it is a good thing i have only one child. I can focus on him. The mind is willing but the biological clock is ticking away. I would be lying to say I'm not apprehensive about another pregnancy. What if the baby dies again or worst, what if the baby is deformed?

So.. today we went to the library, then the canteen. We ordered food and ate at the canteen, i wanted to eat there because that is where Samuel will eat next time.

I "heart" you ACS  :))

To God be the glory, the best is yet to be.

6 July, 2015 - Random Ramblings

1st July 2015 - the official date that Edwin will head our team. It is really like a dream come true too, from Pemco days. So this "coronation day" was really something to celebrate for :) Here is a very honest, sincere and intelligent man, not full of shit or wayang but jaded. Jaded because like a sponge, he absorbs the essence of everything that surrounds him. Knowing too much and seeing too much..thank God he is strong enough to be able to withstand and host all the knowledge. But anyway, it is better to be in touched with our surroundings than be oblivious idiots. It is important to be sincere and honest human beings with integrity and genuinely care about others,  than wayang. God bless the man :)

I "took a few days leave" as dabao king last week. I know mum is not too pleased..but i can't help it. The routine last week was interrupted. The routine of buying dinner, packing Samuel's school bag, making Jervoise and Jervis's beds, boiling the water..all these at my mum's place. And washing the clothes, ironing, sweeping the floor..at my place. Had to put in extra hours almost the whole of last week, the only bonus was..unfortunately, a little fire in the canteen of my workplace and we got the the whole of Tuesday off. But the next day was a nightmare when i saw the huge pile of work. So it was just work and work and work and gym.

And I went back to work on a Saturday. And that day, Samuel needed to visit the dentist to get his tooth extracted. While he was in the dentist, i was in the office clearing work. I had really felt like the worst mother ever... i hate it when i feel lousy as a mother. But i told myself i needed to do this in order to enjoy ourselves fully on the coming Tuesday, which is tomorrow. It's THE day that we register Samuel in ACS. I needed to be on top of work so that i get peace of mind. Something gotta give right? But shit. It never rains but it pours. When i turn on Oracle today, i saw 3 pages of quote line items to work on. That sucks. Considering the fact that i have cleared it to a page when i left the office on Saturday evening. Not to mention emails and EBS and all that shit besides quotes. For a fleeting moment this morning, a sense of desperation swept through me and my mind just went blank. It's hard to think when i am having a flu with a sore throat and wouldn't stop sneezing. I felt desperate because tomorrow is a very important day to us and I am nothing near "on top of work" despite trying hard. I went from desperation to my mind going blank and to anger. Angry at the person who worked on a Sunday, angry that i fell sick at this time, angry with everything. 

But in my 38++ years of life experiences, i have learnt that staying calm at trying situations is more effective than panicking. So..it was on anger mode when i worked today. But i wasn't rude and I didn't take it out on anyone. It was just anger but i am fully aware of how unnecessary it was to be angry. That's the best part, talking to myself in the head - the logical reasonings and the illogical emotions fighting each other. It was just like cruise control while driving, i was really just cruising through work today, which helped cos i was very calm. I even looked the part. Can complete great, cannot too bad. I popped 2 pills to stop the flu and I'm just feeling sleepy...and angry.

Sometimes i feel like a robot, i need to complete many tasks in a day,  a week, a weekend. It's all about wearing many different hats and masks and play the juggling game. But it is a blessing to be able to juggle because it means I'm alive and healthy and useful. But i am not a robot, and i get "feel under the weather" days.. hence this cyber space of mine is such a therapeutic place. 

I am determined that tomorrow is going to be a great day. It's ACS. It's THE school..my dream school since young and Samuel is going there.

:)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  :)  

Curiosity made me checked out NCSS web just now. And i saw Iris Lin, director or Fei Yue, on the first page again. I also just found out that Joyce and Valerene were her friends. I wonder if that could mean something..since Valerene is going to invite us to her wedding. God, are You doing anything? Anything at all?

But I felt a need to join a cell group..to get back to a spiritual family. There was a prompting but i shut it down. Because it was not convenient to attend cell every week. But i could be wrong..

23 June, 2015 - Wayang ~ part two

At some point of life,  all of us would have acted in some circumstances or situations. We act as if we are the most generous, nonchalant person around and then when we see a sign that says "Free" we would be part of the queue to collect the freebies... because "we gian ben and kiasu and we scared we miss out."

Where i work, we need to act. Act busy, act important, act tough, act weak, act most piteous, act smart, act dumb etc etc Maybe because there are about 100 employees in this office and the hit rate of the above roles are higher. If it is a small company, there will just be the odd one or two weirdos. It is funny why people behave like that... when all we need to do is get the job done, get our pay at the end of the month and the company sales grow healthily. But, sometimes it is necessary to wayang a bit, 人在江湖，身不由己

Let's talk about the unfair treatment. Some people are either just born lucky with a pretty face/handsome face, find an "umbrella" as in a leaning mountain (literally translated from Mandarin), and the world is their oyster. I guess that's life, when you are in the right place, right time, right opportunity. Wham! Jackpot!

I've met my fair share of bad leaders. I've been told "hey, I'm sorry i can't promote you since you want to take all 4 months of your maternity leave". Ouch, and on the same note, informed me that i need to be prepared that this job won't be around after my maternity leave because the whole team is shifting to Penang. Did i mention she told me this when she herself just came back from her maternity leave and we had to cover her share of work while she is at home looking after baby. Not to mention i work at night on days that i took leave to accompany my dad for chemotheraphy. This was the same lady who told me i need to position myself to look very busy and make sure everyone sees it. See, i need to act. Act super duper busy and make sure there are audiences.

The next leader after is a nice guy who is so nice, he confuses me at times. Just like Liu Bei. You know Liu Bei is talking shit when he said his son does not deserves to be saved from the enemies by his general because it endangered the life of his precious general. Which parent would wish for the death of his/her own child?? So you know he talked shit. I know beneath that kind demeanour is a pretence to look safe and harmless and be liked by all so that he can get information and get by, i can't help thinking he is a nice guy..which he is. And the rest of the team adores him..but it's so hard to dislike him. I need to act like i don't know he is pretending.

Then there is the alcoholic leader. Who called me in the middle of the night to get the quotes out just because i was replying emails and he happened to receive it in his blackberry while he was half drunk picking up girls in Zouk! And who expects me to pay for his cab to customer's place. Duh! I need to act civil with him when sometimes i would like to smack his head.

Another one is the act amitabha-beware-of-karma type of shit leader. This is the political one..who wants to dictate who i can speak to or who i cannot speak to. And gives me dirty looks if i "betray" him for talking to his enemies. He imagined those enemies i think.. My anger for him has turned to pity because the way he carry himself is not exactly aligned with all the life quotes he posts on FB.

I wish i can be a house cat minus the guilt.

And today, it's day 2 that we need to act like we are so enthusiastic about having the 3 Presidents of this company. We clapped, stood by cubicles, smiled as wide as we can. This is really cheena bongster behaviour. I realised companies ran by the Taiwanese, the Chinese, the Hong Kongers are like that.  Rubes said Agilent didn't have to do this when they had presidents visiting. It's call coffee talk and staff are ENCOUARAGED to join.  But we..we do it big. We renovate part of the office, repainted some of the walls blue, hide all food from our tables and the guys had to wear blazers in this sweltering heat, and the central air-con in our office is not fantastically cold. And we have scripted questions to be asked during Q&A. And we have the lion dance. The last time i felt like i worked in a KTV sort of company was when i was asked to entertain an old Taiwanese man in F/R. I refused and the rest was history.

I am not gripping but I'm sharing my amusement :) I work in an interesting place, a robust environment. Where angels lurk in corners and makes my day brighter and happier while I'm at work.  Now and then i get to watch some scenes and be amused.

I felt drained, because i couldn't deal with so much pretence in 2 days..and the price increase..shit thing, i have a phobia because this price increase has made me lost a lot the last 2 times.. but i read some articles about Mr Lee Kuan Yew and felt very inspired and stronger. Exercises help too.

And Rubes's car had to be towed away on Mon at my mum's place. I enjoyed talking to the tow truck uncle. He told me how the whole thing works, including the mechanism of the tow truck. It made me feel sort of happy hahaha Sorry Rubes, that your white knight has to be towed away and i gained a lesson on how to tow cars hahaha

11 June, 2015 - The 40 year old virgin

There is this woman in my office, who is 40 this year, i think this month to be exact. And i'm quite sure she is a virgin. We were those hi, bye, smile smile, how's the weather type of colleagues. And out of the blue, one day, she seemed to morph into a different person and started to give me those quick smile like those "i-see-a-face-i-force-a-smile" type of smile. After a few attempts of smiling sincerely back and getting snubbed, screw it. I ignore her whenever i see her. Let's call her GAP.

And this guy, ACSian let slipped today that she pretty much dislike most women in the office. People like her makes the air stale in the office. I think she dislike me and xiao mei because we made LK a prettier lady. She has this on going feud with LK. This is so childish. It is two different matters altogether. I'm beginning to think women who worked in Achieva for too long are all weirdos.

Anyway, i have this thought today. If a woman turns 40 and is still a virgin, and still harbour hopes of getting attached unsuccessfully, she will probably become a bitter woman. Even pandas who do not procreate easily as other animals, would have had sex at some point of their panda lives. 

GAP probably does not realised she has issues, on the contrary, she probably thinks she is far superior and prettier then us mere mortals. She is not ugly but she is weird. I think that's probably why she is not attached. I feel like telling her "if you want a boyfriend, upgrade to a nicer character. Or at least not be such a cheena bongster AUNTIE. I was mad at her, now I'm curious.

So which brings me back to...are single, virgin women all weirdos? It's a vicious cycle, wanting to get a man but behaving in all possible ways that turn men off. Then turning weird because no love, no sex and no companion.

But if GAP has got the right mindset, she would probably have been a happier woman, attracting the right attention and gaining friends. And most of all, not feel lonely even if she is single.

GAP, i hope you find a guy who completes you and you turn normal. 

9 June, 2015 - Curiousity will kill the housecat

“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.”

I thought about the people who came into my life at some point of time and then poof, disappeared without a trace. People like Baoyu and Anna, who were the "bad ones" who taught me lessons. And there are people who walked in and connected because we were at the right time at the right place. And we drifted apart..just because. People like Lynn, Jeremy, Han, Steven..just to name a few. These people didn't disappear, we are just at different stage of our lives. 

Baoyu and Anna have a few things in common and the list seems to go on.

- Low self esteem

- both teaches kids (Baoyu was a tutor while Anna is a teacher)

- good in Mandarin

- ashamed of their own family

- prone to jealousy

- hen pecked their men - control purse strings tightly

- surname Lin

- Hokkien

- self centred

- married men with birthdays in October!! Lovey dovey Libra

It's disgusting how i missed these points when i made friends with Anna. I spent time and effort being there for them at their lowest, I'm not expecting anything in return honestly. But what i got was a stab at the back and sudden disappearance. I think that's rude and i would be lying to say I'm not curious about the reason for the behaviour of both women. And how unfortunate that i have to meet this type of character twice..darn. I think i hated Baoyu because that friendship lasted more than 10 years. Thank God that the friendship with Anna lasted from her divorce til she got a new man. Now, there is no more hatred but really just curiosity. But between having them back in my life or staying curious forever, i choose the latter :)

But for every terrible people i met, there seem to be more angels around. Past and present angels..will always be angels.

One thing remains unchanged. My intense dislike for hypocrites and selfishness. Over the years and with age, i have developed a refined detector to pick up these 2 undesirable traits in people. I really do not have the patience or time to put up with fake-ness in any relationship. I would be 40 next year, and if i live to 80, that would mean I've half a lifetime left. If i don't live to 80, it means i have less than half my lifetime left. I really can't imagine living up to my 90s..so. Life is too precious to hang around people who gives us crap. 

Family is all that matters at the end of the day :) They are the characters in a book that will always be there, even when they are gone, the memories will always be important and filled with love. 

Oh I'm so sleepy..goodnite til i pen my thoughts again

29 May, 2015 - Dad's Death Anniversay

6 years ago on this very day in the wee hours, Pa breathed his last breath. This year, 29 May fell on a Friday, which is the day he passed away. And my heart was heavy today.

The whole event is still so vivid in my mind. Fell on Monday, went ICU, we practically stayed the whole week at CGH and ate at Delifrance. I hid in the private toilet at the ICU level, knelt down and pray. Every single day at every opportunity.

The nurse told us on Wednesday to ask our dad if he has any last wishes, we didn't.. for fear that he would feel scared and lose the will to live. We struggled to tell Jervis to come back from Iceland because we didn't know what else we could do. We hadn't tell him cos we didn't want him to be worried.  Pa fell into a coma on Thursday and he never woke up anymore. And on Thursday night, I wanted to stay in CGH with my Jervoise but he refused to let me stay as i was heavily pregnant then. He told me "Jie, jiang zhen de lo, wo men zai deng shen mo"?  A miracle. Pa needed a miracle to survive a spine injury, cancer and wake up from coma. As i am typing...i am also tearing in the eyes. I never said good bye or told him I love him. I never asked him what were his wishes. The last time i saw him at home was when i rushed home from work after Jervoise called me to say Pa had a fall. I saw him looking at me in a dazed, being carried out in a stretcher...alive and sitting up.

After he passed away, they moved Pa out of the ICU and left him in a waiting room. Waiting for us. I remember looking at the oxygen bag wishing it was moving again, like blowing into a balloon in and out.  When people die, the body is really just a body. The body becomes an "It". No more identity on Earth. Cease to exist.

The rest of the day was a blur, Pa is not coming home anymore. Not talking to us anymore, not eating with us anymore, no more birthday celebrations on 25 Feb anymore.  I think the only reason that i ate my meals was Samuel. In my grief, my baby still has to grow.

I was very sad.. because Pa told us on Tuesday that he wants to go for the chemo session on Friday. He wanted to get well, he wanted to see Samuel. The pastor told him a few weeks before that he will live to see the next generation. I guess the next generation was not Samuel but Matthew and Joshua. If heaven is for real, then Pa is with Matthew and Joshua.

If we go through life having gone through trials and tribulations, pain and sadness, we learn how to appreciate just by being alive. We practice gratitude every day and not sweat the small stuff. I'm still learning. It's new everyday.

Jervoise flew to Mongolia yesterday, he just reached and met Alisa 30mins ago.  Jervis is working late in the office today. Jeffrey and me went to the gym.  Mummy and Samuel stayed at home watching TV.  Life is normal.

Pa, we miss you.

28 May, 2015 - The case of the mysterious condom

Where i work, we have cubicles after cubicles of work stations. Which is a common sight, most offices comprise of cubicles, desks, chairs and computers, documents, files, stationeries and of cos human beings lol

In the middle of one cluster of cubicles, sits a condom in a little container. It is on top of the partitions that divide 4 co-workers. No one knew who it belongs to, perhaps no one knew it's a condom even, because it doesn't look like one. I knew, because the owner once sat in one of the cubicles and he told me.

I found in amusing cos the condom has been there year after year even after the owner has changed seats. Oh but someone tried to throw it away once and i stopped her...for old times sake.  Sometimes i do think if the 4 ladies sitting at these 4 cubicles have wonder who is the owner. It's like A thought it belongs to B, B thought it belongs to C and C thought it belongs to D and D thought it belongs to A.  There can be other combination like B thought it belongs to D, etc etc  

And i thought it's like life..we often wonder of so many possibilities but we are passive and we don't ask..so we will never find out the truth. And the truth can be quite simple sometimes.

Anyway..it's just a condom in a little container for now. 

20 May, 2015 - one in six hundred and ninety-nine

I saw an article on The Straits Times yesterday that there were 699 applicants vying for 40 seats to be part of the professional conversion programme for social workers. I was really just one of the statistics. Felt a strange tinge of sadness when i read that article and i console myself that at least i managed to secure an interview with AMK FSC, a big organisation. Just that i didn't make it. I still wonder what went wrong, what was it that i say or didn't say. The HR did not reply my email asking for their feedback, asshole.

Care Corner has been contacting me to volunteer for couples in transnational marriages - a marriage between a Singaporean and a foreigner. I am not keen as it sounds very bo liao and Care Corner is one of the FSC that say they will call me up for an interview and it never happened. I feel very buay song. I want so badly to be a social worker and i was almost close to begging for a placement and i ended up at the mercy of "i can't think of an appropriate word to describe who". But when i switched to be a volunteer, which essentially means free labour at my own personal time, they call me almost everyday despite me not replying to their messages and not calling back. I know this is the harsh reality of an economically driven world but i really can't help feeling buay song.  I know i might have screwed my chance with Care Corner by being kuai lan but i couldn't help it to get even in my own childish way.  But just because i come free in this context doesn't mean i come easy. Just saying.

Seriously, according to the report, we have so many people wanting to be social workers so how is it that the industry has a lack of potential employees. That guy from AMK FSC must have got his facts wrong.  If the generation is ageing, we need more people trained in health care for elderly and if the lifestyle we are leading causes terminal diseases, we need more doctors, nurses, medical social workers etc etc  It's a booming industry! One that does not bring up the GDP growth in Singapore.

I think i might need to lie low for awhile...until I'm quite sure my name/resume has been wiped out in the records of AMK FSC and Care Corner. Maybe better luck next time.

Gosh i feel so sad. But i counter this with a new hair cut. They say when you look good, you feel good. That's true. Thanks Rubes! For going to the salon with me, i really enjoy going to the salon with you together. Because to be honest, you are bitchy enough to put your opinions across to Timen in whatever way you want while i keep the bitch in me where it's supposed to be hahahaha plus you always remind me to say NO to over the top hair styles :)

Bitches be like yay

16 May, 2015 - "Sorry, it's raining"

We had a company event bowling yesterday and my whole body is aching..gosh..i wish i didn't have a slip disc. Edwin sent me to church to pick Samuel from school and i am really grateful as it is difficult to get a cab on Friday evenings, it was really very kind of him as he was actually sending some colleagues from finance instead.

The bowling was fun, i like it when the whole company have fun. No politics, just everyone getting together and having fun. I read through some of my past blog entries and realised i had really enjoyed working here, i like my colleagues. We used to hang out after work, celebrate birthdays as a marketing team, there was no 你家, 我家.. Marketing-Pemco was a great place to be back then, we were more friends than colleagues. It's quite different now but i feel that it's because no one bothers to get everyone together and work as a team, instead, people at the middle management have their own personal agendas, hence the great divide. That's office politics when there is a diverse bunch of characters but there are always angels lurking around at every corners :)

Jfk brought us to a small coffeeshop in Serangoon for lunch. This coffeeshop has a stall that sells great char kuey tiao. Me and Samuel chose wanton mee instead, and sat at the table near the pavement of the coffeeshop. Halfway through our meal, it started to drizzle and then it started pouring. Our table was near the pavement so the roller blinds could only shelter half of the table. An elderly gentleman, i presumed is the coffeeshop owner, came over to us and asked if we wanted to shift to a table inside the coffeeshop. But we were almost done so we rejected his offer politely. He kept apologising to us as the rain pelted the table. He had already apologised when it drizzled..it was almost like he was really sorry the rain disrupted our lunch. I thought what a gracious person he must be, saying sorry for something that is not even his fault. If he really had to feel sorry, he could only feel sorry that the roller blinds were not adequate in shielding his customers from the rain. But i think even that is not his fault as he is not liable to provide a shelter on the pavement as that is public property.

I wonder about the word "sorry".. and the word "thank you".  Both words have to come from the bottom of our hearts, we have to really mean it and be sincere about it. Not all the time i guess...things happen and that's life.

12 May 2015 - 15 years wedding anniversary

Jfk and me took 2 days leave to celebrate our wedding anniversary. It has been 15 years since we signed on that marriage cert and 21 years since we got together. From the fresh faced 18 years old that we were, to life hardened 39 years old. I feel very blessed to be able to share our lives together and have a lovely son.

We went for a movie in Lido, ..about a woman who would never grow old after a car accident. Then had lunch at a korean BBQ restaurant in Bugis. Jfk booked one night stay in a new boutique hotel, Park Sovereign hotel-Tyrwhitt. We went for dinner at Sam's favourite restaurant, Pastamania at City Square mall. After that, we lazed in the room with a small garden balcony. 

Today, we went for a morning swim in the mini infinity pool at the hotel. After checking out of the hotel at 1pm, we ate Truffle fries at the bar, Babette, in the hotel's lobby. Next was Johor :) shopped in KSL and had a very late lunch at Ajisen Ramen.  

Then it's home sweet home. 

The biggest surprise that Jfk gave me was a white leather watch from Coach! I really didn't expect him to give me this pressie together with a card :)) And he wrote so many things in the card, which is so unlike him haha

I am really grateful for having such a loving family. 

7 May 2015 - The art of dabao-ing

In my family, we hardly get home cooked food. My mum picks Samuel from school every evening and then pick me from work. After that, the three of us will decide where to dabao dinner for everyone. Dabao means buying takeaways. It seems like an easy task, just settle on a place, and buy six takeaways and do it five days a week. Since we can't all eat chicken rice or wanton mee for every dinner, we need to think of different places to buy our dinner.  I told Samuel we are the dabao kings hahaha

When mum is feeling adventurous, we will drive to the coffeeshop at Siglap. Else, we will buy from the coffeeshop near her apartment. This coffeeshop is very small, there is a mixed vegetable (菜饭)stall - this word "mixed vegetable rice" never fails to amuse me, a chicken rice stall, a western food stall, a fish ball noodle stall, a tze char stall, a satay/Otah stall and of cos the drinks stall. Mum dislikes this coffeeshop because she thinks there is no variety. But whenever i suggest the hawker at bedok central, she nags that the carpark is horrible and it's a long walk blah blah but she will go because there is po piah for Jervis. I love buying food here because i can buy everyone's favourite food. Just that i have to queue a few different stalls. Queuing is a national past time..no?

Jervoise - eats most things as long as it's meat, no seafood, no vegetables, love fast food
Jervis - no carbo, nothing fried, not oily, not salty, anything healthy
Samuel - char siew rice, fish ball noodles, pork chop with rice, hor fun, fried rice, lor mai kai, bread, cheese burger, carborana pasta, char siew bao
Jfk - eats most things except spicy and no vegetables
Mum - see her mood
me - after catering to everyone else, depends on what i can eat at the coffeeshop

With the above criteria in mind, i need to decide on the best place to get what i need. Buying nasi lemak and chicken rice are no brainer choice because everyone gets the same thing. It's the mixed vegetable rice that is troublesome. I need to order 6 packets of rice and very quickly tell the stall owner what dishes for each packet to cater to individual taste.  Very quickly because usually at this time, there will be a long queue behind me, and the stall owner has a momentum of packing the dishes, i cannot break his momentum else it will slow him down.. and he will be annoyed. And i feel stressed at times, cos while i am glancing at the wide spread of food still deciding, he goes "ah 來" many times.  Tze char is easier cos i just need to decide on hor fun, fried rice or sing chow beehoon. So is Macdonald and Burger king.

I enjoy doing this some days, because dinner has been carefully selected with love.  Some days, i am so tired and dabao-ing seems like a chore. It's worst when i am not appreciated for buying dinner and i get the occasional complaints like "huh buy char siew again?" or "why you never say dunwan vegetable?" etc etc But i remind myself about how many 39-years-olds get to have their mums pick them from work and buy dinner together? And at 66, my mum is still able to drive her way around, that is a blessing.

That's the art of dabao-ing...from the dabao king lol

4 May 2015 - Wondering about all the "what ifs"

I caught some re-runs of Sex and the city on TV last night and i missed my bak bak sisters. Yes, sisters, i do miss you gals.  I miss our conversations about life in general, about fashion, our men, family, work, colleagues and friends, without being judged. Sometimes, i do feel i fared the worst among the three of us. I didn't study hard enough to get into a University. And I didn't have the tenacity nor foresight to enrol myself in school to get that elusive degree when i just started work. I just worked and worked and worked, thinking earning money with this diploma of mine to pay for that HDB flat, have a wedding and settle down was the one singular way to live my life. Occasionally i wonder what would have been, if i hadn't settle down so early, travel more to see the world. But it isn't practical to think about "what Ifs" now. We can only look forward and reminisce about the past.

A typical way in Singapore would be to get a cert, get a job, work nine to five, five days a week, pay bills, spend weekends at our parents place, catch up with relatives during Chinese New Year, blah blah blah  Maybe it is like that everywhere else in all the first world countries. People forgot to live, forgot to treasure just the basics in life, forgot to be contented.

I AM VERY MUCH AWARE I AM A BLESSED WOMAN. WITH A WONDERFUL HUSBAND, A HEALTHY AND HAPPY SON, A CLOSE KNITTED FAMILY, A ROOF OVER MY HEAD, AND THE ABILITY TO MAKE CHOICES.

But the more i wonder, the more restless my thoughts are. So...end of wondering.

On my way to work this morning, i saw a mother seated at the park with a pre-schooling child standing in front of her. The mother was fidgeting with her phone while the child was playing by himself. I like the scene. Morning, mother and child. It would be perfect minus the phone. I wonder what were they doing in the park. Were they waiting for the daddy? Are they enjoying the time spent together before going to school and work? Were they Singaporeans? I am very kaypoh.

Usually in the daytime, i have a hundred and one things that i want to document into this journal blog of mine.  But by the time i get home and switch on my laptop, i get a mental block. Dang it.

18 April 2015 - Father-in-law's birthday

We went for dinner at Char in Guillemard Road to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday. The char siew is very nice and it sort of melts in your mouth.  Yea yea watch that waist really..  :(  After dinner, we shop in One KM. There was a line dance performance by old folks and it was quite entertaining. I would like to do that when I retire, to pass time and keep fit. Window shopping for me became shopping when i bought a pair of exercise pants and a t-shirt from Adidas. I'm very serious about getting into some form of exercises one way or another. I need to lose a lot of weight to look what i used to look like. Arrrggghhh

Sharon baked a birthday cake, a strawberry and blueberry rainbow cake. It was delicious. When the family gets together and there are laughter, it's such a joy. Even though it was boisterous, with Sharon shouting at the 2 boys, Marvin raising his voice at the 2 boys, father-in-law scolding the 2 boys, it was still a joy. And i would like to say, it is always the TWO BOYS, Samuel and Benjamin. Running around, jumping about and arguing all the time.

Sometimes, i miss my dad. We used to celebrate his birthday on 25 Feb, my family would get together for dinner and end off with a birthday cake too. Things happen and we deal with what life gives us.

If only i can donate fat like how people donate blood. How nice and convenient that would be.

When i turn 40, i was thinking of getting the bunions removed or should i get my first cosmetic surgery on my eye lids to get abit of a deep set eyes?

17 April 2015 - Friday Night

Once upon a time, friday nights were filled with anticipation on where to go for a party, big or small. Dressing up to go somewhere after a hard day's work was reason enough to look forward to work on thursday night.  Some friday nights were spent catching midnight movies with Jfk or going to JB for a massage in the wee hours. Some fridays were with my bak bak sistas, Rubes and Viv, having dinner happily. Some fridays were spent with Edwin and Sean.

Age has been catching up. Either that or I became so unfit due to the lack of exercise. Or worst, both reasons haha But the thought of a party is no longer as enticing as it was before. Though the drinking part is till a favourite pastime. These days, i prefer sitting down sipping wine where i can have a decent conversation and not have to shout to say something because of loud music.

Tonight, Jfk fetched both Samuel and me. Dinner was settled at a coffee shop at Siglap. Nothing fanciful, char siew rice and mixed vegetable rice. But the feeling was great. It felt good to sit at the corner of the coffee shop surrounded by aunties (i am an auntie too), uncles, 2 chio bu(s) and a bunch of JC boys.  And the birds were flying around a nearby tree chirping away loudly. This is really "gong jiao wei" literally. After dinner, all of of us went to the clinic for different reasons. Then it's time to go home. It is indeed a blessing to be healthy and alive to spend time with our loved ones.

Samuel changed me. Much as I teach him as his mother, he taught me not to fret the small stuff in life. Now and then, he would sprout out some words of wisdom, which is of cos unknown to him that those were wise words haha  He taught me how to enjoy the company of our extended family, he taught me that everyone was equal in the eyes of children. He showed me the kampong spirit by insisting that we keep the main door and gate open so that he can go over to our neighbour's place to play, and them to come over ours.  His little eyes are filled with love, hope and kindness, in a world where it is easy to become jaded and cynical. Simple joys of life is watching him eat his favourite pasta as if that was the best food in the world. He does not understand the difference in value of a meal in a restaurant and a hawker center yet. The only difference to him now is "got air con or not?" His concept of happiness is very simple, just like how it should be even for adults. Daddy and mummy by his side, eat his favourite food, play with anyone who would play with him, play his favourite toy and stay very curious about what is going on around him. Such as why did the pigeon pooped in our window? Why are there pamphlets on the floor? Why the lift is like that? Why I need to go to school? Why is Lucas shorter than me? Why you know more words than me? Why i need to do this? etc etc

Quite a number of terrible things happened recently, homo sapiens are creatures that are complex and sometimes dangerous. But there are always the nicer ones just round the corner, if we bother to look around carefully.

Everything happens for a reason indeed and there is a season for every change. I think I'm over the "champion grumbling" that i have been feeling for weeks.

I feel very blessed, and tonight, it became clearer to me again. Thanks for the reminder.

1 April 2015 - April fools day

April Fools day and i feel like a fool.

I have been feeling tired lately. I imagined that i might be pregnant because pregnancies make a woman very tired uncontrollably. But i am definitely not pregnant.  Perhaps it is because of the responsibilities in life and routines to follow? Chores to do around the HDB apartment. Fulfilling family and friends obligations like buying dinner, outings, chatting, tuition etc.  Basically it just means hanging around. 

And then the guilt kicks in because i am aware that i am blessed. Why, then, am i feeling this way. It almost feel like a cardinal sin to gripe about being tired. And when i mean tired, i am not sure if i am mentally tired. But i am sure i am physically tired because i fall asleep in the sofa and in the car nowadays. Which brings disgust to myself because it is not as if i lead a very active lifestyle. 

So.. its a struggle within myself. About the right to feel tired inside out.

Today marks my 8th year in this company. It's the only job that i have ever worked so long in a company. But 8 years in the same role makes me seem like a loser. If i have wore tinted glasses in the past, that must be the only reason why i could tolerate the nonsense that people gave me. I carry my magnifying glass now. And it is one of those "x10 enlarge" type of magnifying glass. I can see the flaws so big and clear that i really find no reason to partake in any sort of yakking. To the ones who are generally nice people, i make an effort to be polite and chat. This magnifying glass helps me to suss out all the hypocrites, loud, selfish, boastful ones and in the process make me lose faith in human beings. Or at least some human beings. I really hate it that some women use flirting (mild flirt, big flirt) to get the men to do things, or get away with things. But this is how the world works. And some suckers just fall for it. 

Fear stops me from quitting without a job. I have unintentionally tied my self-worth-being-employed to a job. I do not mean it as the job makes me feel worthy as a person, i have no issues with my own confidence. But in a society where unemployment is fawn upon, especially now that the retirement age has went up, i feel "normal" to have a job. Shit, i hate the whole sentence because it makes me see that i have allowed myself to be subjected to conforming to social standards.

I have been wondering of this is an onset of mild depression. But if it is, why am i aware of it? Isn't it supposed to hit you when you least expected it and leave you in denial?

But I'm so tired i really have no desire to do anything at all. I just want to space out for as long as i can. 

It can only get better. I will sort it out one way or another. NEVER FEAR.

Mr Lee Kuan Yew was such an inspiring person. "Self-confidence, jaunty"

23 March 2015 - Thank you Mr Lee Kuan Yew

Thank you, our founding father of modern Singapore. Without your endless passion to build a better Singapore, we will not be able to stand tall and proud and say "I am a Singaporean."

R.I.P

15 March 2015 - Random ramblings

Today would have been the deadline to secure a job placement in order to qualify for the social work program. And AMK has not got back to me.

The feeling i have towards God now is exactly the same when i lost Joshua and Matthew. I was pregnant... twice after Samuel. I was happy and excited at being a mother again. And I lost it all. Again. And again. Both pregnancies brought me happiness for weeks. And then misery for months. I got over it but i will never forget the pain. Miscarriage almost seemed like a dirty word to me.

If i didn't hear wrongly, God said obey and take this leap of faith. I did. I jumped in with anticipation, went through the whole process beginning from Nov 2014, went through two rounds of formal interviews. Hopeful and excited from November 2014 til now, March 2015. And BANG. I wonder what did i do wrong, or what did i not do. Same as how i felt for both pregnancies. Why?

Yes God, i am angry with you. I can't help it but yes i am angry. I have no right to be and I'm sorry for that. I still count my blessings and am contented with what i have now. But I am angry because i feel like a fool and a failure. "Feel" in present tense because i am still feeling like a fool who is a failure now. It is not your fault but mine. For having so little faith.

Whenever things like these happen, nothing seemed to change exteriorly but something did inside of me. My heart has changed, my thoughts too. Are you trying to stretch my patience in order to mould me?

I heard the devil mock me, saying "if your God is so almighty, ask Him to help you." (i am not a crazy bitch who is schizophrenic. My spiritual parent said the devil used voices to communicate with me) Yes..i am dark enough to hear from the devil. It sounds out of this world to say this.. even to my own ears. (i am really not crazy, please be assured that there are people who really do hear from the devil, in other ways) JFK thinks it's just a little voice in my head. Haha a man's little voice in my head? He a cynic who finds it hard to believe that there are 101 things that can happen in a spiritual world.. coming from a man who does not really believe that goodness in mankind still exists. Ironically, he also remains the naive and kinder one, between us. I hate the devil.

Thank you for giving me a very positive, optimistic and pragmatic nature. These help a lot, to survive.

I need to re-adjust myself to adjust to what i already am doing before you drop the "leap of faith" on my laps a few months back.

Nonetheless, forgive me if i have been ungrateful. And thank You for all that has/has not happen. Thank You for keeping us all alive. Good night world.

12 March 2015 - Waiting is...

Been awhile since i last updated my blog. Chinese New Year came and went, in a flash.  I went for the second interview and I am still waiting for AMK family centre to call me...hopefully.  Since that interview, i have been incessantly checking my emails and phone. Many thoughts came to my mind. Many what ifs. What if i didn't do well in the interview, what if they didn't like me that day. What if I wore the wrong set of clothes. What if I was too honest. What if I was too nervous. What ifs. What ifs.

I dislike myself for being so nervous waiting. I had prayed that God will open doors if He deemed fit. Close doors if it is not the one. I should surrender the results to Him, instead of wondering everyday. 15 March is the deadline to get hired by one of these organisations before I can proceed to submit my application to study in UNISIM.  Despte the anxiety, I know that this is an added bonus in my life. Since if Yan hasn't let me know about the whole programme but cutting that newspaper clip, I wouldn't have went through the whole process since last Nov. So life is still great technically speaking. Continue to work, get paid, live the life that i have already became so familiar and accustomed to. Try to have another baby.

The only difference is, my heart has changed. Period.

I no longer see anyone in this company as people I have worked together with for almost 8 years as "families". In  fact i seemed to have grown detached from many people by choice. It is almost like i no longer see a need to even just smile and say hi. Even to people in the same department. Screw formalities. I'm not sure if I'm being a prick and rude but I'm certainly following my heart. I find all these yakking among colleagues so meaningless. I really can't find any reason why I should bother to make small talk at all. Not one single reason, most practical reason i can think of is because i should try not to be rude. Hence smile and talk. How's the weather, how are you, nice dress, great hair, nice watch blah blah blah. But the thought of it makes me tired already.

Good night world. Tomorrow, life goes on, thank You God for keeping me and my family alive.  :)

2 February, 2015 - The very important interview

Today is it. If I'm successful in securing a second interview after this first round, it would be another milestone. Very nervous but more excited. If this is the plan for me, God will be with me and open doors. If it is not, He will also be there to guide me, and it would be an experience I treasure.

A social worker is something that is so different from my past work experiences. But when i think of the path that i want to embark on, it makes me feel alive and gives work a new meaning.

Jfk and me took leave today and while i am preparing for what to expect later, i pray also that everything will be fine. He will be sending me there, bless this man :)

Dear God,
I ask for peace, wisdom and strength to handle whatever comes my way. Please guide me to make the right choices, choices that are in accordance with Your plans for me. I surrender all to You, Amen.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

22 January, 2015 - Emotional Weaklings

I often wonder why are some people so weak emotionally. Why is there a need to feel insecure, be overtly sensitive, be whiners, attention seeking, often putting others down etc

By being over sensitive in a bad way LEADS TO -> suspicious of everyone -> very insecure -> put others down OR whine/complain/sulk/wallow in self pity THEN -> seek attention to validate own existence again and again. And again. And again. So bloody irritating isn't it??

Just saying.

All of us are a bit of everything but when these traits are not under control and we don't learn how to deal with it, our negative emotions spiral out of control and we become slaves to our own negativities. And of cos that will inconvenience the people around us by creating emotional stress. These people are equally as toxic as poisonous gas.
(Thank you Edwin haha for planting this equation in my head. One day, there will be a right time to share with u-know-who to officially seek psychiatric help)

While searching for "how to deal with emotionally weak people", I found the below article instead. And i "LIKE"

Here are some things emotionally strong people don’t do:

1. They don’t let negativity and drama get the best of them. – Your brain is a radio transmitter.  It broadcasts thoughts, directions and vibrations into your life – you get to choose the station it’s tuned to.  Emotionally strong people understand this and tune out negativity to make room for positivity.  Be wise enough to follow in their footsteps.  Walk away from the nonsense around you.  Focus on the positives, and soon the negatives will be harder to see.
2. They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves. – Emotionally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them.  Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life, work on changing what can be changed, and keep in mind that life isn’t always easy or fair.  In the end, happiness is not the absence of problems, but simply the ability to deal well with them.  So look at what you have, instead of what you have lost.  Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.
3. They don’t think they need more to be happy. – Emotionally strong people know that happiness is a mindset of appreciation.  In other words, happiness doesn’t start when “this, that or the other thing” is resolved.  Happiness is what happens now when you appreciate what you have.  
4. They don’t compare their journey to everyone else’s. – Social comparison is the thief of happiness.  Do YOUR best and don’t compare your progress with that of others.  They aren’t YOU.  We all need our own time to travel our own distance.  Emotionally strong people know this is the truth, and they live by it.
5. They don’t envy and resent other people’s success. – Emotionally strong people can genuinely appreciate and celebrate other people’s success.  They don’t grow envious or feel cheated when others achieve something they are trying to achieve.  Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.  True confidence has no room for envy and resentment.  When you know you are great, you have no reason to hate.
6. They don’t expect everything to be easy. – Emotionally strong people don’t view failures and delays as reasons to give up.  Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve.  They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.  Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, emotionally strong people don’t expect immediate results.  Instead, they apply their efforts and skills to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.
7. They don’t say, “I can’t.” – As Henry Ford put it, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”  Emotionally strong people know this is true.  If you really want to do something, you can and you will find a way.  If you don’t, you will surely find a long list of excuses.  So stop saying “I wish” and start saying “I will.”  Turn your “can’ts” into “cans” and your dreams into plans.
8. They don’t let fleeting temptations distract them from their dreams. – Don’t let the temptations of today distract you from what you deserve.  Stay emotionally strong.  Do what you have to do now so you can do what you want to do later.
9. They don’t get impatient and settle. – Good things don’t come to those who wait.  Good things come to those who are patient… while working hard for what they want most in life.  If you know what you want, if you can see it, feel it and move toward it in some small way every single day… it has to happen.  Be patient and keep working.  That’s what emotionally strong people do.  
10. They don’t make the same exact mistakes over and over again. – You can’t make the same mistake twice.  Because the second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.  Emotionally strong people accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes.  As a result, they don’t keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.  Instead, they grow and move on to better decisions and new lessons.
11. They don’t resist change. – Emotionally strong people don’t try to avoid change.  Instead, they welcome positive change into their life and are willing to be flexible.  They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.  Change happens for a reason.  Roll with it!  It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
12. They don’t waste time and energy on things they can’t control. – You won’t hear an emotionally strong person complaining over traffic jams and rainy days.  Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives.  And above all, they recognize that sometimes the only thing they can control is their attitude.  After all, inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow an uncontrollable event or person to control your emotions.
13. They don’t hang on every word other people say about them. – Emotionally strong people listen to their own heart and intuition, not the peanut gallery.  So try not to take things other people say about you too personally.  What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you.  Ultimately, you can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you.  All you can do is change how you react and who you choose to be around.
14. They don’t think everyone is out to get them. – Emotionally strong people choose to see the good in others.  Because the truth is, the world is full of good people.  Whoever says otherwise hasn’t looked around.  So look around.  Appreciate them.  Connect and smile together.  When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding the good in yourself.
15. They don’t worry about pleasing everyone. – Emotionally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time.  They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary.  They strive to be compassionate and fair, but can handle other people being disappointed if they didn’t perfectly live up to their unfair expectations.  The bottom line is, pleasing everyone is impossible.  May the bridges you burn light your way.  
16. They don’t think it’s too late to start over. – Let go of the idea that it’s too late to start over.  Remember, it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don’t… even if it means beginning anew.  Just because some things didn’t work out as you had expected, or didn’t happen as fast as you thought they would, is no excuse to give up on yourself.  Time passes one way or the other.  Do what you need to do so that, at the very least, you can look back someday and say, “I gave life my best shot.”

20 January, 2015 - NCSS's email

I was checking my emails this morning and got a pleasant surprise, NCSS has written to inform me that I am invited to attend a networking session with employers on the 2nd Feb, Monday. I am very happy to receive this email because it means another step forward.. even if it is a very small step with no guaranteed success.  I submitted my application of interest last December right after i attended the conference for a mid career switch to be a social worker. "Just do your part, God will do the rest." they say. "He will open doors if it is His plan and close all doors not meant to be." I leave all in His hands while i dutifully replied the email to confirm my attendance and also completed another round of survey tonight.

My mum asked if I have the interest to be a social worker and i replied her that it's no longer if I'm interested but doing what God wants me to do. Though i admit that i still have my doubts and uncertainties if this is really from God or something that is in my face so much so that i began to think it's a calling. But regardless of this doubt, dear God, please open or close doors or if it's a wait, i will wait.

Random thoughts...

Putting Samuel in this childcare is one of the best decision i have made for him as I watched him grow smarter and more outspoken day by day.  Yet, it is also like a double edge sword.. Sometimes i'm wrecked with guilt for not being able too stay home for Samuel and spend more time with him. Something that my mum could not do for us when we were young because she needs to work. And the thought of putting him in a student care in future makes me feel like a lousy mother. It feels like depositing my only child in a faraway place from home to be taken care of by strangers. Anyway, i guess i will worry about that bit when the time comes..

Death.. the pain of dealing with the loss if a loved one can be overwhelming..so much so that even breathing seemed laboured.

Life is so short, there are so many "what-ifs", "i wish", "if only" etc. We only live once and we should really live life with gratitude everyday. Less grumblings, less unhappiness but more tolerance, more appreciation, more love, more forgiveness and more positive thinking. For all the bad things that happened and all the mean people that we meet, there are always the wonderful events and people around us. What won't kill us can only make us stronger.

Joshua and Matthew, are you with grandpa in heaven? Is heaven for real?

Seek, Ask, Pray  Amen

13 January, 2015 - Don't call me poor

I saw this documentary < Don't call me poor >  on Channel News Asia yesterday evening and i feel sad that in such an affluent country like Singapore, so many people actually starve and do not have a place to stay. How is that possible, i asked myself. What happened to them while Singapore was growing economically and holistically? Why didn't they pick up any of the benefits of a growing country? 

Was in lack of education? Lack of information? Lack of a head start in life perhaps.

I noticed a similarity in the people being interviewed for this program. Simple minded.  How can you decide to have three kids when you are living in poverty in rented one room flat, with the third child being an "accident" one.  The mother chose to work as a cashier in a fast food chain because it allows her the flexibility to fetch her youngest son from a neighbourhood childcare. The other two elder daughters are in a primary school, suffering from lack of many things, in her own words.  How, then can she allow this "accident" to happen? Knowing that she can ill afford another child, why bring another one to this world to suffer together? The father gave some crap excuse that he cannot go to work due to high blood pressure. Hello?? I have high blood and I'm working my ass off. He mentioned that he got high blood pressure from stress, poor diet of unhealthy food and lack of exercise. Yes, he is fat and I'm surprised he is fat, given the family's situation. Has he been eating the food supply of the whole family?? Anyway, he said he could easily earn $2000 a month as a restaurant manager but he chose not to, because "it would not be nice for me to take MC due to health."  The journalist asked him if he would consider exercising or changing his diet to be healthier so that he could go get a decent job. Answer from him was "No, to difficult, so many years already, very hard to change." The family of five survive on a meagre monthly income of $700 from the mother's pay. Sorry i shouldn't be judging...but what a shithead!

Another uncle..he has no money at all, not even money in his MRT card. And he can't get money from his children because they are also not doing well. So i conclude that if you have a chid and you fail to provide education and proper upbringing to the child, he/she will grow up and suffer one way or another. If you are poor, you can at least teach the child tenacity and determination, and filial piety.  So that no matter how hard life is, they will never abandon you the parents. And they will find a way to survive because they are tenacious. I cannot help but wonder what kind of a dad he had been when his kids were young. Why are his children treating him, their dad, so coldly.. what happened to filial piety?

By head start in life, i meant education. I truly believe that education breaks the cycle of poverty. It is a vicious cycle. Education trains the mind to think, and armed with a cert/diploma/degree/masters and whatever else there is, doors of opportunities are aplenty. Or at the very least, it helps one to make informed choices in life.

Life is a complicated journey full of choices and happenings. I should not make sweeping remarks. The above are just my personal opinions..raw and all.  Haven't really thought about these issues in depth..but i really cannot help being angry at stupidity and ignorance.

If I'm the social worker assigned to the fat man, i will be very firm and insistent that he change. Either he change and make life better for him and his family OR he just continue to rot HIMSELF.  I think I will just focus on helping the kids. I'm not sure if this is right though. But the equation seems to me like that. If he asked for social assistance and advice, he will get it and he should work harder to help others to help himself.  If he choose to complain about life being unfair day after day, he can go screw himself.

God, i'm not sure why did you ask me to take up this calling.. the social workers that i met during the convention were all gentle, soft spoken and i guess very, very patient. I can be bitchy at times..not forgetting to mention vindictive too..and I'm not exactly sure if i am patient enough not to flare up. Are You very sure You got the right person?

7 January, 2015 - Struggles

I have posted so many articles related to God..to remind myself that I need to walk closely with Him, in this relationship. This is not a religion but about having a relationship with God, our Father in heaven. I struggle striving to be a better person because i believe that we should all care about people around us, environment we live in and simply just because we care. And everyone deserves to lead a decent life on Earth. But I am far from being perfect. Like really far.

In a very commercialised first world society, everything is about me, myself and I and almost everyone is selfish and self-centered. Then the world would be a horrible place, and it sometimes is already a horrible place.

Do we do good because we want to feel good? Afraid of bad karma? Accumulating good karma? Trying to secure a place in heaven? Trying to be accepted by others? Are we all guilty of altruism? Are we all hypocrites?

I want a honest, genuine relationship with God. I want to obey because i am grateful for all that He has done for me, for my family. Yet, I am so disobedient at times. And i feel guilty for harbouring thoughts that God might just be an alien(s) from another planet whereby they are far more intelligent than human beings. But deep in my heart, i want God to be God, just like what I have been taught in school from young.

It is a constant struggle..by faith we believe what we cannot see. But science and logic got into the way. But I have made my choice..God

I am so sleepy and exhausted. Will ponder on altruism again..